[undecided]

Thanks Kari, your description pretty much sums up my feelings, as I mentioned to the wife, one step at a time. A psychologist hopefully will be able to help both of us through this period, but I feel I would be willing to try and bury this feeling again, for the sake of our marriage .... I think its safe to say, she has no issues with me being transgendered, but she does not want to go along for the ride( if that makes sense )

[GoneGirl]

A very well written and encouraging response, Kari. I like your point of view and approach.

Yes, it is scary to 'fess up' to your O&O. It's even more nerve wracking after the big sit down. Both my wife and I went through a period of doubt about the staying power of our marriage. She looked for assurance that I would treat her fairly in a split up, and I looked for anything in her words that hinted at acceptance and understanding.

I strongly agree, Kari, about assuring one's wife that transition is off the table. Even if it turns out not to be the case, it's too much to expect a wife to accept at this stage. I'm not suggesting lying to her. I'm sure most of us late hangers-on have no desire to turn our lives inside out either. As you say, Kari, it's important to let your spouse set the pace.

The one piece of advice that I want to put forward is the need to erase all the old stereotypes and come to an understanding of what being transgender really means. My wife has come to see that for over 30 years I was transgender and we were able to make a go of it. Why should her discovery of that fact now suddenly change the basis and the vitality of our marriage? Once that realization took hold, it opened the door to finally finding the freedom I needed to be myself while honoring and attending to my wife's needs. She will say that there are many things about the new real me that are so much better than the old fake me. This is the answer to the "what's in it for me?" side of the equation. Marriage is a give and receive contract that must be balanced for it to pass the test of time.

Clara

[Marina Kits]

...but I feel I would be willing to try and bury this feeling again, for the sake of our marriage.

If you can bury the feelings successfully and think that's the best option, go for it. It's worth a shot at least but sadly, not too many succeed at it.

.... I think its safe to say, she has no issues with me being transgendered, but she does not want to go along for the ride (if that makes sense )

You may not see it this way but in my opinion, being transgendered and transitioning are two different things and the later does NOT have to take place because of the former. I'm convinced there are tens of thousands of transgendered people in the world who will never transition for one or more reasons and many not even share that fact with anyone else. THAT'S what I'd be telling my wife if I were you - transGENDER does NOT equal transition. You and your relationship MIGHT be able to remain very much the same even in light of the fact that you're transgendered because you may never transition. At the very least, you probably don't know what lies ahead at the moment. And, perhaps, she couldn't stay married if you decide to transition tomorrow (too much change too fast) but that's not to say it will always be that way. My wife and I have talked about SRS as far out as 10 years from now while sustaining our marriage through the whole thing. If things change slow enough, there might be hope for any outcome.

...I strongly agree, Kari, about assuring one's wife that transition is off the table. Even if it turns out not to be the case, it's too much to expect a wife to accept at this stage. I'm not suggesting lying to her...

Clara

I'm a little uneasy with that statement. I personally wouldn't tell her transition is, "off the table" rather I'd say it's a very distant possibility and only if we could stay married and only with her unreserved permission... but I wouldn't tell her it's "out of the question". ...Unless of course, you know for sure that it really is off the table and you cant imagine ever transitioning. It's a point of personal preference and perspective I guess. For myself, when I told her, I puked EVERYTHING out, once and for all. It worked for me but everyone is different.

[GoneGirl]

...I strongly agree, Kari, about assuring one's wife that transition is off the table. Even if it turns out not to be the case, it's too much to expect a wife to accept at this stage. I'm not suggesting lying to her...

Clara

I'm a little uneasy with that statement. I personally wouldn't tell her transition is, "off the table" rather I'd say it's a very distant possibility and only if we could stay married and only with her unreserved permission... but I wouldn't tell her it's "out of the question". ...Unless of course, you know for sure that it really is off the table and you cant imagine ever transitioning. It's a point of personal preference and perspective I guess. For myself, when I told her, I puked EVERYTHING out, once and for all. It worked for me but everyone is different.

I see what you mean, Kari. Your being much younger than I probably explains the difference in our views on that point. For me, I really didn't think I was transsexual, but even if it turned out that I was, I believed it was unreasonable to expect that I could ever live as a woman full time. I felt it was important to emphasize that point so as not to exacerbate the emotional damage my bombshell admission had already caused. Whether she believed me or not, I don't know, except I recall her saying that we'll have to take it one step at a time. I also held back on telling her about my taking PM for another two weeks. The drinking from a fire hose metaphor came to mind...lol.

Clara

[undecided]

Thanks for the suggestions, it defiantly helps. I'm not sure bringing up the PM is a good idea at all right now. I'm going to cycle what PM I have left down to a low maintenance dose, I strongly suspect at this point that is a bridge than needs to be crossed when our relationship is strong again. There are still lots of tears right now, but we are ( hopefully ) working through the issues. She has no issues with me being trans-gendered, its the 25 years of lies and deceit, but openly admits if I had confided in her early on, she would have wanted to split. Its defiantly a push pull situation, the lines get redrawn at every discussion. I don't see an Atlanta trip in my future any time soon, but every day it gets a little better.

You girls are definitely the best !

[GoneGirl]

Janet, honey, what you are going through is very common, even to be expected. The difference will be in how it's handled going forward.

In answer to my wife's asking why she wasn't told earlier, I could only say that I was afraid of losing her forever. How could I live with that?

Clara

[Marina Kits]

...In answer to my wife's asking why she wasn't told earlier, I could only say that I was afraid of losing her forever. How could I live with that?

Clara

I felt the same way and I think it touches on what I encourage everyone to do when explaining this to our spouses, be totally honest about your feelings. I know it's really hard for our formerly testosterone drenched brains to locate and identify those deep emotions such as fear of losing a spouse but it's totally true and needs to be communicated with them. "I didn't tell you because I was afraid of losing you". "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to disappoint you, embarrass you, hurt you". I didn't tell you because I was ashamed, thought others would think I was a pervert, thought I could handle it, stuff it or keep it hidden". "It wasn't too bad back then but it's more than I can bear alone anymore." "It was wrong for me to withhold it from you, can you forgive me?" All I want to do is be totally honest with you from this point forward". "What can I do for you?" "I just want to serve you and make you happy." "Thank you for trying to understand, for loving me, for not getting mad." "You mean the world to me. I don't want to lose you now or ever."

If you ever need some more logical and less emotional arguments at some point, let us know, I can easily come up with some of those too.

[undecided]

Thanks for the suggestions, mostly that's what has been discussed already. Things are going fine, we are now both going to see the specialist, ( so far, she does not want to bail on me, but she needs help to get ber own thoughts in perspective too.) I may have to call the Dr's and remind him, I'm not sure how these things progress from their end, but I was expecting to hear something by now.

Thanks again.

[undecided]

Well... I'm still waiting for an appointment date, in the mean time I have arranged to seek a counceler through my employers EPA program. This will proberbly just be a 1hr session, just somebody to talk to. At the home front, my wife is having a great deal of trouble getting to grips with my GD issues. At this point I do not see anyway forward. It breaks my heart to see my wife in so much pain, knowing I am the course of it all. I'm getting to the point of being willing to let her go, move on with our lives. I could suppress my feelings again, but we know its only going to come back sooner or later.

[Marina Kits]

I'm really sorry to hear that Janet. I don't know what to say other than my heart goes out to you and your wife. ...So sad to see relationships broken over this.