[MichelleM]

At the risk of being an incredible downer here, in contrast to the many here reporting on the "disappearing male" thread, it appears that not only is my masculine persona not disappearing, it appears that my feminine persona might be.

Over the last week or so, it seems my once distinct feminine persona (that I only discovered a few months ago) has evaporated.

It's really got me wondering. Did I just imagine that I had one? Have others experienced this? Is it just some kind of temporary thing that some go through? (I have doubts about that, given how certain at least most are about their feminine side.) Is it perhaps a coping mechanism to deal with the compromises I'm dealing with?

At least most seem so certain here; it makes me wonder if perhaps it's time for me to move on.

Michelle

[Samantha Rogers]

At the risk of being an incredible downer here, in contrast to the many here reporting on the "disappearing male" thread, it appears that not only is my masculine persona not disappearing, it appears that my feminine persona might be.

Over the last week or so, it seems my once distinct feminine persona (that I only discovered a few months ago) has evaporated.

It's really got me wondering. Did I just imagine that I had one? Have others experienced this? Is it just some kind of temporary thing that some go through? (I have doubts about that, given how certain at least most are about their feminine side.) Is it perhaps a coping mechanism to deal with the compromises I'm dealing with?

At least most seem so certain here; it makes me wonder if perhaps it's time for me to move on.

Michelle

Michelle,

First off, you have friends here now, regardless of your GID status, so you are always welcome, sweetheart.

But, if I am not mistaken, you have been taking small quantities of PM, correct? If you do have a GID, a small amount of PM may be enough to quiet the small GID and make you feel as though it does not exist. It is common for members to report when starting on PM that all anxiety and desire to dress evaporates, at least for awhile. Of course, in time it may well return and it will return in the form of a pink fog if PM or other E methods are increased.
Perhaps the PM is just quieting yours? Or perhaps you did not really have one. One way to find out would be to discontinue PM and see if it returns, right?

Regardless, I would miss you if you leave us, honey!


Hugs

[flamesabers]

Michelle,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling bewildered about your feminine persona. Your doubts reminds me of what Julie_TG wrote before she departed from the forum. I hope you decide to continue participating in the forum. Regardless of your certainty, I think you'll be welcomed on this forum.

Does it feel like your gender identity is non-existent or gender neutral? It's possible I think you may have reached a sort of equilibrium and thus the distinctness of masculine/feminine is very ambiguous for you. Do you still want to pursue NBE? Or do you feel it would be best to take a break until you're more certain about the best course of action for you?

No matter what you decide on, I hope you find peace with whatever path you go on.

Sincerely,

flamesabers

P.S. Feel free to send me a pm if you want to.

[EvaMarie]

Honey you have to keep in mind Im a very lucky girl and an extreme case here...

I dont have kids, never married and Im loaded, been dreaming of everything Im doing for a LONG time now...

I "retired" at 39... I havent worked a day since but I will SOON but it will be whatever job I can get as a woman.... Lucky for me I dont even need the $$$ YET.... I need to do it to validate myself to myself and to LIVE not so much monetarily but just as myself.... I WILL get there too...

I had A LOT of internal conflict to reach the decision I came to, I was obviously very successful as a man to "retire" at 39, Im 45 now... But once I got through all that in my head there was no going back for me before any of this NBE or HRT or coming out or going full time started really....
It all started when I made the decision to go for it, and small steps keep getting bigger....

I dont know you but I get that most here are older and married with kids... I dont know if you are or not but to me thats definitely a big consideration considering the commitments made.... I personally was never cut out for it and Im glad I never went there, makes things so much easier now...

Even for someone like me with everything going for her its NOT the easiest thing to just throw away a whole 1/2 a life lived very successfully as a male...
Granted I WAS miserable as a man by then but still, easier said than done..... I had so many times I put "her" away and resolved to just be "normal"...

I dont know how long you've been on NBE either.... But from what Ive read here and experienced myself its pretty normal to go back underground and bury all this out of guilt and shame...

Thats about all I have on this, the fact that your here though does tell me "she" is in there to some degree.... Only you can decide how much of her gets out and to who what when and where that happens....

Good luck dealing with her

[Marina Kits]

Judging from what you've shared, my guess is much like Sammie's, perhaps PM has given you balance and your gender dysphoria is no longer bothering you. I'd drop it if I were you and see what happens.

I think I remember a period of time a few months after starting NBE that I lost interest in CD'ing and most things TG. Eventually though, the TG returned and has been with me ever since. Taking NBE helped me see clearly that my gender issues were NOT a sexual perversion or fetish.

[Pansy-Mae]

For me, 2-3 weeks of no PM and the x-dressing comes back. 2-3 weeks back on PM and it goes again.
No win, or no lose? I can't decide!!

[spanky]

For me, 2-3 weeks of no PM and the x-dressing comes back. 2-3 weeks back on PM and it goes again.
No win, or no lose? I can't decide!!

I have had the same experience, but perhaps just a little quicker on the reversal. About 10 days without PM, and my interest in women's clothing returns full force, and a general gender confusion wells up and occupies my thoughts too much of the time.

[GoneGirl]

Michelle, honey, I'm sure you've read some of Dr. Anne Vitale's writing about testosterone toxicity. Too much T will cause gender dysphoria in someone with a degree of subconscious female gender. Even just a little. Lowering the T level will usually quiet that mental uneasiness. PM will do that. That was Sammie's point. Many, like you possibly, come to the conclusion that they've been cured of the compulsive sexual behaviors (crossdressing, masturbation, porn, etc.) that they've been experiencing, and want to drop their meds, only to have the symptoms return.

I agree with those who've advised stopping NBE to see if the old dysphoria returns. If it does, you'll know that you are experiencing the effects of testosterone on a partly female brain.

By the way, there's nothing that says having a female side requires you to abandon your male role in life. I certainly do not plan to do so even though, at times, I do catch a bad case of feminine envy. Hey, I'm a crossdreamer, and always will be.

Oh, and please don't go away. I think you can tell that we still want you as a friend, to support you in anyway we can, and know that you are finding peace and comfort in your life.

Clara

[Karren]

For me, 2-3 weeks of no PM and the x-dressing comes back. 2-3 weeks back on PM and it goes again.
No win, or no lose? I can't decide!!

Exactly the same with my medications.... If I stop them... it all fades away.... start back and boom! Thing is the meds seem to block all herbal attempts to breast growth..... and keep my brain tumor in check.... without the meds I could probably had DD's by now... but I wouldn't want them! lol. and there's the death thing.....

[MichelleM]

First of all, thank you very much, Sammie, flame, Eve, Kari, Pansy-Mae, spanky, Clara, and Karren, for all of your kind replies! They were a great encouragement to me, and lifted my spirits significantly. You are wonderful and very supportive!

I may try to do individual replies later, but I wanted to at least post a general reply.

I think that indeed what I was observing was an effect of the PM, as many suspected. After reading these, I realized that I had essentially increased my dose about a week ago, from 500 - 1000 mg/day to 1000 - 1500 mg/day. That was the result of the combination of two things. One was that one of the mental effects that it produces is lessening anxiety in general, particularly social anxiety; so I figured instead of taking a dose at bedtime, take one during the day (when I have anxiety ). To do this, I brought some from home with me each day. On top of that, things were somewhat stressful last week, so I took an additional dose before heading home, so I wouldn't be as edgy when I got there. So, around the time I increased my dose is when I noticed the feminine persona disappear. Coincidence?

So, I'm pretty sure you have the correct diagnosis, if you will: it turns out that what was concerning me was what I've been trying to accomplish, I just didn't know it would "look like that". Sorry about that!

So, even with my false alarm, and being something of an outlier on several counts (not trying to grow breasts, having what appears to be a minor case of GID), you'll still keep me, eh? Thanks!

Hugs

Michelle