[EvaMarie]

Hi Clara, yea its getting pretty depressing looking for a job Im very confident as a woman and I know I "pass" (I hate that term, Im just ME)..... We'll that's great and I do get a positive response when doing in person job applications but I either have to out myself or everything is just way too vague... Anyone will have a hard time finding work with ZERO work experience at 46 years old On paper it looks terrible even for the most entry level job no matter what I do....

Yes it's a great feeling when you realize people really have no clue your trans, congrats Sis

So since its been a year for me on the HRT and 15 months if you add in the NBE and 18 months since I started my transition I think I will write a bit on where Im at now.... WOW it often feels like NOTHING is happening but looking back, especially at my older pictures I can see a HUGE change for the better

Since going back on the higher dosage shots Ive been feeling MUCH better My facial hair was coming in again but I did two hours of electro on my upper lip and chin last week and Im gonna do more on Monday and hopefully get cleared again... OUCH is all I can say about doing the upper lip Things seem back to normal now after my second shot at 18mg Body hair even slows down, its just SO much better Sometimes I'll admit I feel euphoric and just so right and SUPER feminine, usually when my E is peaking So whatever whether its real or just a delusional effect from the E I can feel more and more a powerful effect on my state of mind... I know its maybe a clique but I truly do FEEL like a woman and that has to show on the outside Ive read that E can permanently change the way the brain works and I didn't fully buy that but more and more Im seeing that its true... Maybe its just because Im more relaxed and at ease the farther things go but I just feel better on more E rather than less... Id say its sometimes just a feeling of pure feminine bliss that is addictive.... Often that's combined with a feeling of arousal that just lasts for hours on end Not just down there either, I do even get some nice sensations there, but its just a whole body feeling... Its a very pleasant on the edge feeling, even just my clothes on my skin is a very nice feeling... Combine that with a mans touch and its just incredible... Thats all I'll say about that LOL

I do feel like that last ramp down then up as started a growth surge though The nipples have been itchy and sore and the entire aureola seems to be pushing out, if experience is a guide the pointyness will soon round out a bit when I go on the middle of the P cycle where I go up to 200mg for a week... They really don't seem to be growing as fast as they did for the first 6-8 months but at least they still seem to be SLOWLY getting more feminine looking, less like moobs and more like boobs But its much more than just the tits.... More and more I feel less dysphoria and see a woman in the mirror, and an attractive one too Im so happy I have potentially a few more years to see further feminization from the HRT I will sometimes surprise myself with my reflection more often on the higher E dosage While they aren't as fem as Id like I do see more and more some curves and an actual fem figure I seem to find more and more femme clothes that fit right at least It used to take me ALL day to go out shopping and trying things on to find just a few items I was happy enough with to buy and then to actually wear it... Now Im feeling much more comfortable and I have more choices that I can actually wear Hopefully that will just continue getting better

It's not all from the E though.... Lately even though Ive been smoking again my voice has been surprising me with how good its been sounding Its been a bit more than 5 months post op now and I really do think Im still seeing improvement While Im still nowhere near happy with it I do find it very easy to talk on the phone most of the time and Ive been getting mam'ed just about all the time now I can really fem it up there with some effort at least and that's NICE I find that if I get it right at first, even if I let it go lower it doesn't really matter because people all ready have it registered as female... But it used to be tiring and it's getting stronger and easier to keep it there now... Still if I have to do a lot of talking it will get weak and even hard to get volume but it's getting there.... Sometimes I'll even surprise myself with being able to get real loud and sound OK which I couldn't do even a month ago... Dr Haben said I could see significant further pitch increase out to 6-9 months and its a relief that seems to be happening even if only modestly better... I feel like this surgery has been huge for me in eliminating a lot of dysphoria and greatly increasing my confidence and well being WELL worth the $$$ and long recovery

Which brings me to my FFS, its equally HUGE for me to no longer see such a masculine face in the mirror While there is still a lot of numbness and even swelling I feel more and more sensation returning... It will be 2 months on the 24th, WOW time flies even though like I said things often feel stuck and going nowhere Then I'll realize things HAVE changed for the better even if only a little Sometimes I will be taken completely by surprise by the WOMANS face looking back at me in the mirror Along with the voice it's just been HUGE for my confidence and well being... I simply worry less and less about being seen as male, when I get dysphoric about my body (and I still do ) I can at least know my face and voice aren't perceived at all as male where as before it was MUCH harder to not feel like I was a complete fraud and how could anyone not see it... Ive always had to just overlook the things and just try to make the best of things... I still have my bad days but they are fewer and farther between, especially on the higher E dosage

Next weds I go see my new psych for the second time and Im hoping to get her to write that letter for Brassard soon... I think more and more about a successful outcome and how much better things would be... Yes the recovery scares the shit out of me knowing more about how long I take to heal From what Ive read it's 6 months minimum before things start to look and feel right and it can take up to 2 years to see the final result... I also worry about extreme pain and depression and even regret after my ordeal with FFS.... Hopefully that experience will leave me more prepared to deal with what sounds like a HARD recovery physically and even mentally.... Still more and more I can envision just how damn NICE it would be to have the right equipment down there that worked well and looked right

So thats about it for now... I'll try to get some newer pics soon but today Im just taking it easy, gotta get my house cleaned up for another potential "date" or two next week