[Marina Kits]

jessilondi, Tibetan,

You are both right. I have made this bed and now it's time to go to sleep. I'd certainly do things differently if I could. From as far back as I can remember, I've wished I was born in female form. Hind sight is 20/20 and I take responsibility for not being my true self to others (oh how I wish I had!) but I didn't have the courage to "be the only one" during those years. I didn't fit in well anyway (nerdy not effeminate) so calling down more ridicule upon myself would have been more than I could handle. In my 20's I was just swept away in the herd and did what I thought I should to fit in "like sheep led to slaughter". By the time I discovered there were others and it was possible, although difficult, to "be myself" I was already married and "locked" into my destiny. So here I am today, the desire is still with me, stronger than ever and the only compromise I can find for me and my wife is to move towards gender neutral. I honestly LIKE that compromise. I don't want to be a manly man or a girly girl, I just want to be right in the middle so I can be the "male" my loved ones expect me to be and are comfortable with but let my feminine side express itself too. In some circles, I could easily do that but with my family and friends, conformity is highly valued and I'm about to step out of the circle. I THINK love will prevail, but it's going to be challenging for them if they start thinking I belong in the "he wants to be a woman" pigeon hole along with all it's stereotypes and prejudices.

You all are right in that I am the only one who can maneuver this course in the best possible way because my situation is unique to me. I understand that. But I also greatly appreciate your comments and support. It aint gonna be easy but hopefully, with thoughtful consideration and input from those who have also had successes and failures, I can increase the odds of success and avoid some pitfalls others have made. I know I can handle this on my own - I'm strong and smart enough but I value the insight of this group and I'm sure I'd be far worse off having NOT found this forum. You all are greatly appreciated!

[Missed Miss]

So have I! Probably all of us have felt that way from our earliest years. I was 2 the first time I tried on mom's lipstick.
Well, you're practically taught from day one (well, very young, anyway) to not be true to yourself because, heaven forbid you should do what YOU like/need and hurt or insult others!! It's NOT your fault, other than the "fact" that you couldn't see it that way back then and put your foot down and say, "NO! THIS is how I need to be!!" But then, you do that and you get a spanking!
I think what you REALLY wish is that your family would've LET you be the way you wanted/needed.
I never fit in, either! When Rudolph and Hermy sing that "Misfit" song together, that's ME!! Casper never had any friends because people were too scared of him to understand what he was really like and Baby Huey never had any REAL friends because they all made fun of him and tortured him because he was different. I wasn't effeminate OR nerdy, it's just that I was different, I guess. Being taller than everyone else didn't help, either. Even in my own family with three siblings I've always felt like an only child!!
So, you don't want SRS but you want tits and a fem appearance? Well, again, it just comes back to, "let me be who I want to be and let me do what I want to do with my own body."
Have you ever checked out FemSkin? It's expensive, but sometimes they have deals on certain parts. Or, although even more expensive, they're more realistic looking, you can try My Breasts and Gurl Shorts at RealDoll.
I hope love DOES prevail!!

[julieTG]

Doodlebug

Don't be so binary

Stop where you want too stop and hold it there while you adjust and others if need

Also "you do not have " too grow too a size where anything has to be told

Under no circumstances feel any guilt abou this being your own doing and making any fall out worse , that's just damn wrong,

You are you, end

I am an alpha male.

Still winning everything, ultra competitive, and yes ok now have female tits,


So what?


My decision, my body, big deal,


I don't show them too the world , again " my" decision

Julie

[Marina Kits]

Doodlebug
Don't be so binary. Stop where you want too stop and hold it there while you adjust and others if need. Also "you do not have " too grow too a size where anything has to be told. Under no circumstances feel any guilt about this being your own doing and making any fall out worse , that's just damn wrong, You are you, end.
I am an alpha male. Still winning everything, ultra competitive, and yes ok now have female tits, So what? My decision, my body, big deal,
I don't show them too the world , again " my" decision

Julie

Thanks Julie. I'm not normally a binary person but I guess I'm not thinking about the time this might take, just the beginning and the end. I don't know if I could go into a holding pattern for any length of time but that's good advice. ...I just gotta have them and gotta have them NOW! I realize I don't have much choice in the matter and I'm not shooting for DD's but even the tiny bit of growth I've experienced already can make me self conscious depending on the shirt I choose. This whole process is like jumping into a pool on a hot day; you know you want it but it's going to be a few seconds of shock when your body hits the cool water. Perhaps, if things start getting too big too fast (how unlikely is that?), for my own peace of mind and those close to me, I'll consider a holding pattern for a while. The hair however, is going full speed ahead though until it hits my shoulders - no compromise. Some might not like it but I certainly wont be the first male they've met or seen with long hair.

[julieTG]

Doodle

Just keep an eye on your dosage

Too high and it thwarts your thinking

Too low the angst returns

Just rights puts you too normal "ish"

Julie[/u]

[JustEmily]

We are in similar situations and I have been awake nights wondering if I should stop before I pop out with "not moobs."

I have decided to continue full steam ahead. It's my body, and I'll sprout if I want to.

My wife loves me and encourages me to be and have the body I feel I need, but I have a straight-laced extended family. That part scares me.

I shave my legs and epilate my arms and kept them bare for the first time this summer. I got noticed and questioned... my reply was... yep, they're shaved, I like them that way... feels cleaner. I then proceed to go over and sit by my wife.

And that was the end of it.

As far as the "Christian" "love everybody but gay people" mentality goes, I think that the fact that I am married, have kids, go to church, have a job, and generally don't act gay (which I'm not BTW) sort of short circuits them. Okay, he has bald arms and legs... weird. Then they went on gossiping about something more interesting.

I don't plan to come to Thanksgiving in a prairie dress, and they really don't need to know that part of me. If they notice I have C cups next year, my planned answer will probably be something like, "yeah, I dunno, they just grew there." Which, of course, they did.

Do they need to know that I applied plenty of fertilizer to get them... no. Do they need to know about my TG inner turmoil? No. Do I plan to transition? Hell no... I've known this part of me from as early as I can remember and I have made peace. I got a manbody this time, that does not mean I have a mansoul. I think I am supposed to learn something from this during this life. So be it.

I can remember the red-hot anger I felt when my sister got dresses and I was forced to wear boy clothes. I spent a lot of my life whining about the unfairness of the universe for putting me in this body which so clearly did not fit my brain, but I chose to marry.

In my teen years I really considered flipping to the other side, but that was the 80s, and I saw that most of the trans women out there really didn't pass, and I could never be a woman... not really, not truly, not ever. And strangely, I wanted to be a woman, but I wasn't gay. I tried. Yuck. Sorry, couldn't do it.

So, by the grace of God, I met a woman who loved me and I loved her back and I tried to stick it out in the manbody. I cracked about two years ago and we talked and researched so much we could write a book.

And here I am, at 41, going through my second adolescence as a girl. She is very sympathetic (or is it empathetic?) about the pains and moodiness.

If you have a wife who understands, or one person in the world who is with you thick or thin, stand or fall, that is really the only person you need to let into your head. Everyone else can just causally remark and you can give them the short answer.

Hope this helps.

[Marina Kits]

Thanks Em. You're a kindred spirit! ...Much in common with you. Thanks

[Akai Sin]

Allow me to share with you my personal experience of transitioning from male to female.

I, like you, have wanted to be a female for as long as I can remember. I loved everything about them; the way they spoke, the way they looked (right down from their hair to their body shape, to the clothes they wore), and I wondered why I wasn't one of them. Here I was, this extraordinarily effeminate male, constantly ridiculed for being as such. I had plenty of female friends growing up, and I still have them now. All of them are aware of my situation, and what I'm doing, and support me 110%.

Now, about my family... again, like you, I come from an incredibly conservative family. My entire family is religious, and doesn't believe in transgenders, transsexuals, gays, lesbians, none of it. They're by-the-book kind of people, and it was hard keeping this secret inside of me. It was eating me alive, and I didn't know what to do with myself. Then, one day, when talking to someone I knew, they said something to me that made it all make sense. It all clicked into place, and I hope that maybe I can do the same by passing the words spoken to me onto you.

"You need to make yourself happy before you make others happy."

Somehow, that one sentence just made everything fall into place. I had this newfound resolve. What kind of life would I lead if I couldn't make myself happy? Pretending to be someone I knew I wasn't? I realized I couldn't always live my life in the shadows, and that light would eventually reach even the deepest, darkest of crevasses I tried to hide away in.

So, I sat down with my family one day. My mother and my father, and told them straight out, "I am becoming a woman." I didn't hesitate. I didn't show reluctance, because I knew that wouldn't help. I needed to show that I was confident in what I was saying and what I was doing.

They were not happy.

I won't begin to elaborate on what else transpired that night. In the end, I simply told them that I was only doing what I believed was right. I was fulfilling the only dream I'd ever had, and that if they couldn't accept that I was making myself happy, then I would (reluctantly) have to sever my ties with them.

Unfortunately, that was what I had to do.

Let me just say this sweetie, you need to be positive that this is want you want. You can't have any doubts, and you need to be 100% positive that this is, in fact, what you want. You will lose people along the way, just as I and many others have, and against all rhyme and reason even some of those closest to you simply won't be able to understand and accept.

I understand you're scared. I understand you're frightened. You don't want to be rejected and hated for who you are now with this dark, now exposed secret. You have to stop all that, because in the end it will only hurt you more. You can't live a double-life, and as harsh as it sounds, you need to come to terms with the fact that you will lose people along the way. It's a painful fact of life.

It doesn't get any easier from here on out, but one day you'll wake up and realize that you don't mind carrying it around with you. You'll be happy again, and you'll meet new people and make new friends. You'll be able to start a new life; the new life that you've always wanted.

Just make sure it's what you want. Live your life. Don't let others live it for you.

[Pansy-Mae]

My wife loves me and encourages me to be and have the body I feel I need, but I have a straight-laced extended family. That part scares me.

Yes, me too.

I shave my legs and epilate my arms and kept them bare

Yes, me too.

I don't plan to come to Thanksgiving in a prairie dress, and they really don't need to know that part of me.

Yes, me too.

Do they need to know that I applied plenty of fertilizer to get them... no. Do they need to know about my TG inner turmoil? No. Do I plan to transition? Hell no... I've known this part of me from as early as I can remember and I have made peace.

Yes, me too.

I got a manbody this time, that does not mean I have a mansoul. I think I am supposed to learn something from this during this life. So be it.

Yes, me too.

I can remember the red-hot anger I felt when my sister got dresses and I was forced to wear boy clothes. I spent a lot of my life whining about the unfairness of the universe for putting me in this body which so clearly did not fit my brain, but I chose to marry.

Yes, me too.

In my teen years I really considered flipping to the other side, but that was the 80s, and I saw that most of the trans women out there really didn't pass, and I could never be a woman... not really, not truly, not ever. And strangely, I wanted to be a woman, but I wasn't gay. I tried. Yuck. Sorry, couldn't do it.

Yes, me too.

So, by the grace of God, I met a woman who loved me and I loved her back and I tried to stick it out in the manbody. I cracked about two years ago and we talked and researched so much we could write a book.

And here I am, at 41, going through my second adolescence as a girl. She is very sympathetic (or is it empathetic?) about the pains and moodiness.

If you have a wife who understands, or one person in the world who is with you thick or thin, stand or fall, that is really the only person you need to let into your head. Everyone else can just causally remark and you can give them the short answer.

Hope this helps.

Emily, that all rings so many bells with me!
Like you, I made peace with myself long ago, but its still good to know there are others in the same boat. Thank you.

[Elisaustin]

Doodlebug my heart goes out to you.
My circumstances are a lot different but on the other hand similar in a lot of ways. Telling someone straight on that you are transgender and want to be in touch with your feminine side can be done and I have done it.
I almost guarantee not everyone will understand and one thing you face by doing it is rejection at some level.
From my experience its better to keep a feminine level you can live with and
only get into explaining it when someone else broaches the subject.
And even then I would be careful how in depth I explained.
As you have noticed here there a lot of opinions on the what and the why
we are like we are. Meaning its hard to explain to yourself at times let a lone try to explain to someone else who knows nothing about it.

Or You just say you are on a medication (PM) that seems to be having
certain side effects on you and call it a day.

In the famous words of Ricky Nelson "you can't please everyone but you can please yourself"

Good luck