I don’t know why but I’m having a panic attack tonight about my BO use. This isn’t the first time it’s happened but this is the longest I’ve been on BO and they come on. I’m looking at all the obvious changes BO has made to my body in such a short period and for some reason tonight it’s given me major regret. Now I’m afraid if I go off of BO my body won’t revert back to how it was before. I also keep telling myself instead of a woman BO is going to make me look like a freak. Instead of being a decent looking guy I’m going to look like an ogre or something. I’m only romantic and sexually interested in women and I keep thinking no woman is going to want me if I continue. All my desires to be female have vanished as well. Even though I’ve been dressing up in women’s clothing since I was 4. Idk why my brain does this every so often. I’m sitting here crying and I feel awful. I don’t know why I can’t commit to being one way or the other. I know if I quit BO and throw it out like I have before, it maybe a couple weeks or a couple of months but I’ll regret and restart the whole cycle over. I’m 30 and I told myself since I’m no longer really young but not yet old this was the year I completely transition or put the idea away for good, and move on from it. I hate that I put myself through this. It’s such a horrible feeling. I’m not suicidal but it’s nights like this I wish my life would just be over. I may try to ride the wave out this time, but I don’t know we’ll see what happens.

Hi JTS,

It is ok to take a break and let everything settle down. You have to take care of yourself and think about life.

Transitioning to female or crossdressing can also trigger awful shame in us. I have felt it many many times. One day I will feel good about myself and accept my transgender feelings and then another day I feel guilt, shame and feel like I can't do this. Some days I feel 100% like a woman, other days I wonder if I am gender fluid, non-binary or what???

I hope that some others chime in here about their feelings and I hope that you like reading about what others feel. I hope it helps you feel better, you are not alone.

Also, many of us have wives / girlfriends who accept and participate with our feminine side. 


Kay

I would say that your concerns are very valid ones.  I have discovered that my desire for the feminine can express in different very complex ways.  I have found that it is best to give my psyche time and latitude to come into expression, rather then impose awkward physical changes upon my body that could possibly not be in line with what I learn about myself.  My own desire to be physically feminine as an antidote to frustrated desire for feminine physicality is something at odds with the maleness my body was born to perform.  Health is a key underpinning to happiness, hormonal balance is a key to health, and psychological integration is both a result and cause.

Yeah, why don't you take a break. Don't pressure yourself. I bet 90% of the members on this site experience the same ambivalence and struggle with the same emotions.
I know I have. Sometimes I liken myself to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, two completely different iterations of myself. The cause of this is a complete mystery to me.

You have enough experience to know that in a day, you could feel completely different. It could be a day or a week... or two... but you know you will go back. 
Don't torture yourself over this. It is a mysterious process. We are unique and special people. Let yourself accept these two sides of you and allow them space.

Thank you all for the replies. It does help to hear from people. Yes it’s been busy at work the last couple of days. So it’s actually helped keep my mind off things. Even though I’m in this state of mind I’ve forced myself to keep taking the BO the last couple of days but I can’t make myself do it anymore. I’ll be going off of it tonight. It’s so bizarre when I’m in this mindset not only do my feminine urges disappear but I’m actually comfortable in my masculinity and prefer it. Honestly this is the state of mind I wish would become permanent because it would be the easiest moving forward. I have one friend who I’m open with about all of this and he thinks it’s either a fetish for me or the desires are real and valid but small but says my porn use amplifies them. He’s thinks I should go just a few months without much porn use and see where my mind is then. He’s been telling me that the last 2 years but I think I’m going to finally listen to him. This all kind of works out. My roommate informed me last night that he’ll be moving in with his gf when our lease is up in a month and a half which I saw coming. My dad has offered to let me move in with him to save money for a bit. So I definitely wouldn’t want to be transitioning while living with him. So I think I’m going to live with my dad the most of the summer listen to what my friend has said and ease up on my porn use and re evaluate the whole situation by the end of the month. I have 8 bottles of BO left. My debate is now I keep them and stash them for now or throw them out. 

So I give a final update on body changes and I may do my own post on this later. So as I said it in one of my last posts. My legs have feminized like crazy the muscle reduced and toned up more I can see so much more of my actual knees. You don’t realize how much muscle is around them! My skin is way softer along with my body hair. My pubic hair especially. So while on the the subject of that are that seems to be what I can tell is the first of my fat redistribution. I have developed the mound of Venus. I’ve never had fat in this area in my life and I now have the plump v shaped mound down there. My pelvis and back have been hurting since the first week. The last few days the tendons in my legs have been killing me and I’ve now developed pelvic tilt. My butt has always sat below me and my spine has been straight. Well now my lower spine is curved now and my butt sticks out behind. I’m hop this reverses as my T levels start to rise back, I hope my tendons and muscles shift back into their male position. I’m also not saying I’m getting hip growth, but the wings of my hips sure have been sore and it almost seems like a separate soreness from the pelvis shifting. Lastly for down south my testicle maybe have shrunk a tad but they’re definitely sitting higher and my scrotum skin is tight around them. My ejaculate is still thick and white and I still get random erections. So that tells me I haven’t screwed up my virility yet and my body is still absorbing some amount of the testosterone I’m producing. I’ll keep the upper body much shorter as I’ve had far less changes. Other than my chest looking swollen and my face looking boyish and softer my upper body is still clearly male. I’ve had a lot of soreness in my back shoulders and arm muscles and the tendons in my arms have even started hurting like the ones in my legs but you can’t see any changes yet. I have no doubt were I to continue my upper body would catch up to my lower half as far as feminization goes. We’ll see if I continue to change off of BO and what changes are permanent and what reverts. I hope I don’t regret anything that I’ve done.

Your friend gives good advice.  Fapping is like putting out fire with gasoline.  Rechannel your energy, work out, develop your muscles to mimic the female figure, while simultaneously reducing belly fat.  Paradoxically, you'll be both more manly looking and feminine looking at the same time.  I find it increases a sense of accomplishment, well-being and purposive direction that is the complete antithesis of a fap addiction.  Been there, done that.  Porn has become boring to me anymore.  I find true strength of mind and body more fulfilling than porn obsession and the deflated post-fap feeling of failure I used to give myself.