So, this started in the lurkers thread, but I'll re-post here, and then add to it.
Skip to the "+++" if you've already read the beginning. :-)
I have reasons for lurking.
If I talk freely, I can't send the woman here for information.
OTOH, if I DON'T send her here (or Susan's Place or similar)... She's COMPLETELY in the dark. And here would be better, as she wants "Her Man." So someplace focused more on transition won't give her ANY peace of mind.
Now, I singed up under a unique handle, but got to change it just now. Keeping it would make any "shared space" an impossibility.
I have buried this (after telling her about it first, mind) for 9 years. And while this would be the best place to post, I definitely want to be rare in postings, in the hopes things IRL can be sorted.
I'm not passable to a blind man in a dark room - so if I can get something to reduce the discomfort, that's a major benefit. But the woman is concerned about her social standing (that's a general fear - embarassment, being perceived as "abnormal" or in her case, probably as "lesbian", etc.) There is a certain inversion there, she's not a femme type - raised by a divorced, abusive mother, who was a teacher at her school, in New Jersey. As a friend said, "If you can survive in New Jersey, you can thrive anywhere." Hell, we eat our weak... :-)
With fava beans and a nice Chianti.... 
+++
I essentially identify as Transgender, and I've been after two diametrically opposed things: Strength, and Femininity. And no, they're not 100% diametrically opposed - only about 99.999%. :-P
Raw power (as in strength) is sort of the opposite of grace, guile, flexibility, litheness, etc, all traits I admire in women.
Now, I need to keep doing physical training, and can't drop strength training completely - just don't have it in me to give up. I don't need or want to be bulky, though. But I can build my butt a bit, that wouldn't hurt... Much. ;-) As long as I can continue doing a respectable overhead press, squat, deadlift, I should be able to maintain a functionally strong body...
But then, trying to be feminine? That's going to be ROUGH.
Hope springs eternal.
At this point, I'm most concerned with "taking the edge off" (I know, I sound like an addict.) Since I've used Progynova/Spiro/Dutas, I know the mental results and mechanics. It's painful, but well worth it in the long run - the transition is just a bitch. But the brain works better afterwards. Much calmer, better able to handle life and "care less." Things aren't so personal, I don't react with anger, etc.
As I hit 39, it's getting to be IMPOSSIBLE, though. I've taken the meds on and off, but I've got a Male life I'm living, and the woman with me has a lot invested in that, emotionally. But the depression, the anger, and the lack of ANY progress in life - it's unacceptable, and my mind is bad enough already, I don't need the extra stress making me miserable. If I'm going to live paycheck to paycheck anyway, I might as well be "miserable" as I want to be, instead of miserable because I'm NOT who and what I want to be. (I think we're crossing the line from "want" to "need," really.)
I LOVE looking down and seeing breasts. Can't explain it better than that. Just an emotional thrill. When I was first taking estrogen, I was wrestlign with someone, and got hit in the boob. It HURT, of course, but I was sitting there with this Mona Lisa Smile... Just, "IT'S WORKING!!!" To look down and see the outline under clothes is just somehow erotic.
My woman doesn't like them, doesn't like that they're bigger than hers (I keep telling her it's the pectorals, mostly, but she doesn't believe me), doesn't like that I crossdress at all.... You can see where this is going, right? :-)
Anyway, I'm along for the ride, listening, learning, trying to accomplish what I need without stepping on too many toes.
So, for the most part, I'm likely to be a lurker.
BTW, I'm mostly filling a 42C, and I especially need to get the body fat gone. Too much jell-o. But I'm not a fan of aerobics.... It's all on my torso, too. :-P helps make the boobs less obvious, but I have NEVER liked the belly, and always envied the girls their form. Tight, curvy, and then they grew into women... Even better.
Though there's the old adage of beauty being only skin deep.... (I'll leave all of that out, though.)
Now, if I could just jump into things? I'd drop the NBE approach, to be honest, and just work to feminize everything I can. You only live once, right? I'm past the point I'll be marying a beautiful young woman and having a family... Very little contact with what's left of my family.... And coming to terms with some very bad issues in that family, too. Time to take advantage of the "protected" status in this state (MA) and get some things examined, maybe understood and controlled - and if I can get more feminine looking (without losing much strength; there are women who can lift far more than I can, and they still look like WOMEN, so I'm optimistic), it's an added bonus.
Now maybe in a few weeks I'll send the woman here and have her read the Male forum... We'll see what happens, I guess.
Skip to the "+++" if you've already read the beginning. :-)
I have reasons for lurking.
If I talk freely, I can't send the woman here for information.
OTOH, if I DON'T send her here (or Susan's Place or similar)... She's COMPLETELY in the dark. And here would be better, as she wants "Her Man." So someplace focused more on transition won't give her ANY peace of mind.
Now, I singed up under a unique handle, but got to change it just now. Keeping it would make any "shared space" an impossibility.
I have buried this (after telling her about it first, mind) for 9 years. And while this would be the best place to post, I definitely want to be rare in postings, in the hopes things IRL can be sorted.
I'm not passable to a blind man in a dark room - so if I can get something to reduce the discomfort, that's a major benefit. But the woman is concerned about her social standing (that's a general fear - embarassment, being perceived as "abnormal" or in her case, probably as "lesbian", etc.) There is a certain inversion there, she's not a femme type - raised by a divorced, abusive mother, who was a teacher at her school, in New Jersey. As a friend said, "If you can survive in New Jersey, you can thrive anywhere." Hell, we eat our weak... :-)
With fava beans and a nice Chianti.... +++
I essentially identify as Transgender, and I've been after two diametrically opposed things: Strength, and Femininity. And no, they're not 100% diametrically opposed - only about 99.999%. :-P
Raw power (as in strength) is sort of the opposite of grace, guile, flexibility, litheness, etc, all traits I admire in women.
Now, I need to keep doing physical training, and can't drop strength training completely - just don't have it in me to give up. I don't need or want to be bulky, though. But I can build my butt a bit, that wouldn't hurt... Much. ;-) As long as I can continue doing a respectable overhead press, squat, deadlift, I should be able to maintain a functionally strong body...
But then, trying to be feminine? That's going to be ROUGH.
Hope springs eternal.
At this point, I'm most concerned with "taking the edge off" (I know, I sound like an addict.) Since I've used Progynova/Spiro/Dutas, I know the mental results and mechanics. It's painful, but well worth it in the long run - the transition is just a bitch. But the brain works better afterwards. Much calmer, better able to handle life and "care less." Things aren't so personal, I don't react with anger, etc.
As I hit 39, it's getting to be IMPOSSIBLE, though. I've taken the meds on and off, but I've got a Male life I'm living, and the woman with me has a lot invested in that, emotionally. But the depression, the anger, and the lack of ANY progress in life - it's unacceptable, and my mind is bad enough already, I don't need the extra stress making me miserable. If I'm going to live paycheck to paycheck anyway, I might as well be "miserable" as I want to be, instead of miserable because I'm NOT who and what I want to be. (I think we're crossing the line from "want" to "need," really.)
I LOVE looking down and seeing breasts. Can't explain it better than that. Just an emotional thrill. When I was first taking estrogen, I was wrestlign with someone, and got hit in the boob. It HURT, of course, but I was sitting there with this Mona Lisa Smile... Just, "IT'S WORKING!!!" To look down and see the outline under clothes is just somehow erotic.
My woman doesn't like them, doesn't like that they're bigger than hers (I keep telling her it's the pectorals, mostly, but she doesn't believe me), doesn't like that I crossdress at all.... You can see where this is going, right? :-)
Anyway, I'm along for the ride, listening, learning, trying to accomplish what I need without stepping on too many toes.
So, for the most part, I'm likely to be a lurker.
BTW, I'm mostly filling a 42C, and I especially need to get the body fat gone. Too much jell-o. But I'm not a fan of aerobics.... It's all on my torso, too. :-P helps make the boobs less obvious, but I have NEVER liked the belly, and always envied the girls their form. Tight, curvy, and then they grew into women... Even better.
Though there's the old adage of beauty being only skin deep.... (I'll leave all of that out, though.)
Now, if I could just jump into things? I'd drop the NBE approach, to be honest, and just work to feminize everything I can. You only live once, right? I'm past the point I'll be marying a beautiful young woman and having a family... Very little contact with what's left of my family.... And coming to terms with some very bad issues in that family, too. Time to take advantage of the "protected" status in this state (MA) and get some things examined, maybe understood and controlled - and if I can get more feminine looking (without losing much strength; there are women who can lift far more than I can, and they still look like WOMEN, so I'm optimistic), it's an added bonus.
Now maybe in a few weeks I'll send the woman here and have her read the Male forum... We'll see what happens, I guess.
Welcome aboard. 
Dianna1395,
I don't have a lot of time to respond to your post but something is better than nothing. ...First off, welcome. I'm glad you took the time to introduce yourself.
I get the impression that you have a lot of things on your mind at any given time. You're not sure where you want to go. You've experienced the mental advantages of balancing your hormones and you know you're TG but your male facade is your biggest hurdle to becoming who you want to be. ...Welcome to being trans. sorting that out isn't easy but it sounds like you really are in a good position to to do whatever needs to be done on one level - your relationships. Family ties are not strong, no spouse and no kids. that gives you a lot of freedom that many of us DON'T have. Limited funds is going to be a problem for you. Everything costs something whether you cope minimally or go all the way. One thing I see in what you've said sounds unrealistic. Unfortunately, there's no TG store, no app, no machine where you can select your ideal body, step inside and exit in the body of your dreams. Even the tools we have at our disposal can only do so much which may or may not be enough for you. Strength and femininity may be hard to accomplish. You have a cursed "Y" chromosome and all that comes with it. You can tweak some things a little but you need to have realistic expectations. Try but don't be disappointed. I'd encourage you to loose weight if you have extra. It's best and most successful thing I've done to appear more feminine. A well fit male body looks a whole lot more feminine than a body with a spare tire in the middle. That's decidedly male! The next best thing I did was grow out my hair. Hormones and herbs are helpful but they aren't at the top of the list. I take them more for the mental effect than anything. Good luck on your journey. Thanks for introducing yourself.
I don't have a lot of time to respond to your post but something is better than nothing. ...First off, welcome. I'm glad you took the time to introduce yourself.
I get the impression that you have a lot of things on your mind at any given time. You're not sure where you want to go. You've experienced the mental advantages of balancing your hormones and you know you're TG but your male facade is your biggest hurdle to becoming who you want to be. ...Welcome to being trans. sorting that out isn't easy but it sounds like you really are in a good position to to do whatever needs to be done on one level - your relationships. Family ties are not strong, no spouse and no kids. that gives you a lot of freedom that many of us DON'T have. Limited funds is going to be a problem for you. Everything costs something whether you cope minimally or go all the way. One thing I see in what you've said sounds unrealistic. Unfortunately, there's no TG store, no app, no machine where you can select your ideal body, step inside and exit in the body of your dreams. Even the tools we have at our disposal can only do so much which may or may not be enough for you. Strength and femininity may be hard to accomplish. You have a cursed "Y" chromosome and all that comes with it. You can tweak some things a little but you need to have realistic expectations. Try but don't be disappointed. I'd encourage you to loose weight if you have extra. It's best and most successful thing I've done to appear more feminine. A well fit male body looks a whole lot more feminine than a body with a spare tire in the middle. That's decidedly male! The next best thing I did was grow out my hair. Hormones and herbs are helpful but they aren't at the top of the list. I take them more for the mental effect than anything. Good luck on your journey. Thanks for introducing yourself.
Well, I had written a great post on my tablet, and tried to post a photo so people could see a few of the things I was referring to - and Android and Firefox ate the whole damn thing.
< rant >
Why the EFF can't ANYONE learn to EFFING PROGRAM these days, instead of using GD JAVASCRIPT? We're NOT ALL BUBBLE-BRAINED TWEENS ON EFFING iPHONES! A 2-page post is IMPOSSIBLE TO RECREATE! Not to mention, Javascript is STILL CRAP!!!! I'm a PERFORMANCE ENGINEER, I've learned the hard way, you GET what you PAY for, and when you hire "offshore" code-monkeys, you get MONKEY-GRADE OUTPUT!!!!!
< /rant >
Sorry - I have a VERY low tolerance for bullshit, and more than a few anger issues, especially when the solution is obvious.
ANYWAY, on to what was relevant.
I'm starting a "program" of sorts, probably quite different from most of the ladies here (meant inclusively), but I want to feminize my mind and body so that I am seen as a "ma'am" instead of a Man. While I had listed justifications in the original post, I'm not going to re-list everything - I believe I mentioned most previously, such as carrying my books like the girls, growing up as a "mature" child, envying the girls their forms (while being ashamed of "certain aspects" of mine), etc.
So, Program:
1. Spearmint tea. Found a good supplier, need more info on dosing, and IIRC, there's something about steeping the tea for 10 minutes? But it's hard to find the right post! :-P
2. Been taking Maca, want to add PM to it. This would then build on my assets to date, induced by Spirotone/Progynova/Dutasteride/Citerone. (Citerone is recent, but I recently read it would take out adrenal function over time, so I'm easing off it for now.)
I believe I can find the PM dosages, I've been under-doing the Maca; I need to confirm (a) will the Maca interfere with the PM? (b) Since my objective with Maca is to try and widen the appearance of my hips, but it is Progestogenic; would it make sense to cycle it, being Genetic Male? I've read of TS patients being told to cycle the meds, and it seems like it might be effective. Does anyone have any suggestions, especially from the Male gallery? ;-)
3. Other issues: In MA, T* is a protected class. I'm not fond of the "liberal" side of things, but in this case, I'm here, might as well take advantage of it. It DOES mean I can go out to Fenway health, and get their counselors on-board - I have a variety of issues to deal with.
(a) Anger issues. I get peeved over the stupid things - such as, try to attach a photo to a post, and the entire message is destroyed. The entire browsing history is purged, so the message can't be recovered. Similar to outsourcing - go to the cheapest bidder, get the cheapest product - Then _I_ have to test it, and I'm forced to "make nice" instead of telling people how bad things REALLY are. (As an aside, that doesn't play well with me, and the last time it became a problem, they questioned my ability to do my job. So I told them how to do theirs, down to the line of code and the typo causing the problem. I'm good at what I do. )
(b) Had a bit of a lousy childhood, somewhat abusive - never realized nor understood, but occasionally you learn something from TV. As an example, saw my father (and mother) reflected in an episode of "Criminal Minds." So, I need to deal with some WEIRD mess there - Mom was a helicopter mom of sorts, they both worked to shield me from life - So, faulty coping mechanisms were reinforced, and I became a loner. At the same time, dad was a bit unstable, he had his own issues - and he had anger issues, too, probably for similar reasons to my issues. Lack of control (in his case, due to his dad losing his mind a few times) which then leads to over-control of whatever you CAN control. I see it in me as well - control via knowledge, I had a library of books! HUGE library. Probably a few thousand, some classics, some technical, some on philosophy, some on self improvement, some on weightlifting and martial arts, and lots of RPG books, too. Also DVDs and CDs. But even my hobbies weren't under my control - mom wanted me to make a toy train layout; I wanted to make a MODEL train layout. Her brother (deceased) had had a mixed-scale layout of O and HO gauge trains; I was supposed to essentially do the same thing. I wanted to make it a MODEL railroad, all to scale... So, she made a decision and had a table made to support the trains based on the layout I'd created - THEN she asked where the other scale was going to go. And she complained it never got done, and it had cost so much, and... (It needed to be an open-grid design, for those who know their way around. IE, multiple levels, trains go up, under, over - and you can pop up to deal with the issues that occur. But it was all based on O-gauge, didn't use the HO... So I was told to re-design it to make it have multiple layers, with the smaller ones up top to look like they were up the mountain.... Which honestly would've meant cutting a huge hole in the middle of the table, to have access. Cutting a hole, alone, with a manual saw, in 3/4" plywood.
Needless to say, nothing got done.)
Sorry for the long aside, just an example of the Meshugganuh I had to deal with.
Dad's approach was, action figures are "dolls for boys." So no GIJoe, for example. (Born 1975; you can do the math.) Transformers? Trash.
Legos? Toys! Use an erector set! (Long story, I didn't show enough interest in engineering because I never built with the Erector set - didn't matter I had legos in my hands for years. Anyway...)
In some ways, I feel I never had a chance. As another example, I got no choice in grade schools; it HAD to be a Catholic school, so the nuns would beat me into proper Christian form. (I exaggerate slightly; my parents were upset at the number of lay teachers, and the lack of corporal punishment - like rulers across the knuckles.) I got to "choose" my high school: Oratory Prep or Seton Hall Prep. (Both good schools, it's not about the SCHOOL.) I tried to tell them I didn't want to go to Catholic school again, given my best year was eighth grade in Denville, NJ Public schools (Valleyview.) My wants didn't matter - like the question, what do you want for breakfast, ham and eggs or cereal? {you're eating breakfast and don't you even THINK of anything else.}
Dad died about a year ago; I'm watching the aftermath from a distance - Mom's not coping well, and my sister is a [ceonsred], and I UNDERSTATE that. Dad bought her a car - a loaded Toyota highlander. Paid her insurance. Paid her gas. She hasn't had a real job YET. The reason Dad bought her the car? She threw the crankshaft through the engine block on her RAV4.... Lack of oil. (she wouldn't do the maintenance.)
So, I'm a bit tired of being "the good son."
It leads back to getting down to Fenway, though, and making sure my head is glued on straight.
I wonder, as I look around any more, how many masks I'm wearing. I literally don't know what I want in life, where I want to go, or how to get there. I know if I don't do things to cut down my Testosterone, I'm a nasty, depressed, SOB. But I need to make sure it's not a combination of poor coping skills from bad lessons in childhood, and a bit of self-hatred, a la "buffalo Bill" in silence of the lambs. OTOH, things have changed in diagnosis since then - but masks, right? Who am I? How the F do I even know...?
By way of comparison, my sister's adopted, and officially still "lives" at home. She might be there once a week for a few hours.... Her dog and her cat and her Gerbil (?) live there, my mom takes care of them. They're in Jersey, I'm in Massachusetts - I can't physically help, even if my sister and I were on speaking terms (she won't speak to me, I still think of her as my sister.)
So many issues to unravel!
All I see in the mirror is a walking dead zombie. The eyes are dark and dead, no humor, no sparkle, no happiness. No soul. I go to a dead-end job (Performance Engineer is specialized IT; I need to break into management, and even now, that might be a stretch. I'm always big fish in a little pond, or little fish in the ocean - never anything in between.)
I earn the primary income, which is spent before I reach payday. The less I spend... Well, it still gets spent, not quite sure how...
(Seriously, if it wasn't the dog, it was the car, or the house, or the woman's daughter, or the woman! Un Effing Believable! And after 9+ years, we're coming back from bankruptcy, foreclosure, repossessions... I had an 800 credit score, IRA, 401K, investments - all gone within a year of dating this woman, including to make down payment on a house which is now $100K underwater. This life sucks! How could I NOT want to be someone, ANYONE, else, right? )
As a woman once wrote (over at violent acres, her blog) - "Most people are depressed for a reason." (http://violentacres.com/archives/169/most-people-are-depressed-for-a-very-good-reason/)
(Also see http://violentacres.com/archives/168/the-mentality-of-an-abused-child/, as an aside.)
Wish that she kept the blog going; Sort of glad she "ran out of material." Harsh but real.
So I'm looking to make changes, without just throwing my woman aside. (OTOH, I know just about ANYTHING I do along these lines will terminate the relationship. Catch-22. But she knew ahead of time, and after 9 years? My time, wherever that goes.)
BTW, she has and abusive past, too (IE, recipient of), so I do try to be careful with her. She's not fragile at this point, but no reason to just slap people in the face, either, right?
I can fill out a 42C fairly well. I plan to lose weight so that I can be down in band size, regardless of anything else. Lots of slop to lose. I can handle that - training I know. Lost the weight a few times before, gained it back quickly and easily afterwards. And I need to make a waist, too. 44/40/40 isn't a figure. ;-) But lose 60 pounds, then work to burn off some of the muscle while trying to retain strength? could be an interesting challenge. Depends what counselling and hormones (inc. herbals) do.
Last note, since I had my rant at the start: I accidentally clicked+. Two or three times. Lost the post. But clicked + and went RIGHT back to this post, STILL in progress, no problem.
F*CK JAVASCRIPT. Give me actual code (e.g., FIREFOX on a PC) any day.
Caveat: I now cannot get the web cam to work, so I can't provide a photo to illustrate just HOW MUCH work would be required for me to pass as Medusa, let alone something that MIGHT be female. ;-) You'll have to wait for another few days until I can get a photo of the head (skull, hairline) and "boobs" per se.
< rant >
Why the EFF can't ANYONE learn to EFFING PROGRAM these days, instead of using GD JAVASCRIPT? We're NOT ALL BUBBLE-BRAINED TWEENS ON EFFING iPHONES! A 2-page post is IMPOSSIBLE TO RECREATE! Not to mention, Javascript is STILL CRAP!!!! I'm a PERFORMANCE ENGINEER, I've learned the hard way, you GET what you PAY for, and when you hire "offshore" code-monkeys, you get MONKEY-GRADE OUTPUT!!!!!
< /rant >
Sorry - I have a VERY low tolerance for bullshit, and more than a few anger issues, especially when the solution is obvious.
ANYWAY, on to what was relevant.
I'm starting a "program" of sorts, probably quite different from most of the ladies here (meant inclusively), but I want to feminize my mind and body so that I am seen as a "ma'am" instead of a Man. While I had listed justifications in the original post, I'm not going to re-list everything - I believe I mentioned most previously, such as carrying my books like the girls, growing up as a "mature" child, envying the girls their forms (while being ashamed of "certain aspects" of mine), etc.
So, Program:
1. Spearmint tea. Found a good supplier, need more info on dosing, and IIRC, there's something about steeping the tea for 10 minutes? But it's hard to find the right post! :-P
2. Been taking Maca, want to add PM to it. This would then build on my assets to date, induced by Spirotone/Progynova/Dutasteride/Citerone. (Citerone is recent, but I recently read it would take out adrenal function over time, so I'm easing off it for now.)
I believe I can find the PM dosages, I've been under-doing the Maca; I need to confirm (a) will the Maca interfere with the PM? (b) Since my objective with Maca is to try and widen the appearance of my hips, but it is Progestogenic; would it make sense to cycle it, being Genetic Male? I've read of TS patients being told to cycle the meds, and it seems like it might be effective. Does anyone have any suggestions, especially from the Male gallery? ;-)
3. Other issues: In MA, T* is a protected class. I'm not fond of the "liberal" side of things, but in this case, I'm here, might as well take advantage of it. It DOES mean I can go out to Fenway health, and get their counselors on-board - I have a variety of issues to deal with.
(a) Anger issues. I get peeved over the stupid things - such as, try to attach a photo to a post, and the entire message is destroyed. The entire browsing history is purged, so the message can't be recovered. Similar to outsourcing - go to the cheapest bidder, get the cheapest product - Then _I_ have to test it, and I'm forced to "make nice" instead of telling people how bad things REALLY are. (As an aside, that doesn't play well with me, and the last time it became a problem, they questioned my ability to do my job. So I told them how to do theirs, down to the line of code and the typo causing the problem. I'm good at what I do. )
(b) Had a bit of a lousy childhood, somewhat abusive - never realized nor understood, but occasionally you learn something from TV. As an example, saw my father (and mother) reflected in an episode of "Criminal Minds." So, I need to deal with some WEIRD mess there - Mom was a helicopter mom of sorts, they both worked to shield me from life - So, faulty coping mechanisms were reinforced, and I became a loner. At the same time, dad was a bit unstable, he had his own issues - and he had anger issues, too, probably for similar reasons to my issues. Lack of control (in his case, due to his dad losing his mind a few times) which then leads to over-control of whatever you CAN control. I see it in me as well - control via knowledge, I had a library of books! HUGE library. Probably a few thousand, some classics, some technical, some on philosophy, some on self improvement, some on weightlifting and martial arts, and lots of RPG books, too. Also DVDs and CDs. But even my hobbies weren't under my control - mom wanted me to make a toy train layout; I wanted to make a MODEL train layout. Her brother (deceased) had had a mixed-scale layout of O and HO gauge trains; I was supposed to essentially do the same thing. I wanted to make it a MODEL railroad, all to scale... So, she made a decision and had a table made to support the trains based on the layout I'd created - THEN she asked where the other scale was going to go. And she complained it never got done, and it had cost so much, and... (It needed to be an open-grid design, for those who know their way around. IE, multiple levels, trains go up, under, over - and you can pop up to deal with the issues that occur. But it was all based on O-gauge, didn't use the HO... So I was told to re-design it to make it have multiple layers, with the smaller ones up top to look like they were up the mountain.... Which honestly would've meant cutting a huge hole in the middle of the table, to have access. Cutting a hole, alone, with a manual saw, in 3/4" plywood.
Needless to say, nothing got done.)
Sorry for the long aside, just an example of the Meshugganuh I had to deal with.
Dad's approach was, action figures are "dolls for boys." So no GIJoe, for example. (Born 1975; you can do the math.) Transformers? Trash.
Legos? Toys! Use an erector set! (Long story, I didn't show enough interest in engineering because I never built with the Erector set - didn't matter I had legos in my hands for years. Anyway...)
In some ways, I feel I never had a chance. As another example, I got no choice in grade schools; it HAD to be a Catholic school, so the nuns would beat me into proper Christian form. (I exaggerate slightly; my parents were upset at the number of lay teachers, and the lack of corporal punishment - like rulers across the knuckles.) I got to "choose" my high school: Oratory Prep or Seton Hall Prep. (Both good schools, it's not about the SCHOOL.) I tried to tell them I didn't want to go to Catholic school again, given my best year was eighth grade in Denville, NJ Public schools (Valleyview.) My wants didn't matter - like the question, what do you want for breakfast, ham and eggs or cereal? {you're eating breakfast and don't you even THINK of anything else.}
Dad died about a year ago; I'm watching the aftermath from a distance - Mom's not coping well, and my sister is a [ceonsred], and I UNDERSTATE that. Dad bought her a car - a loaded Toyota highlander. Paid her insurance. Paid her gas. She hasn't had a real job YET. The reason Dad bought her the car? She threw the crankshaft through the engine block on her RAV4.... Lack of oil. (she wouldn't do the maintenance.)
So, I'm a bit tired of being "the good son."
It leads back to getting down to Fenway, though, and making sure my head is glued on straight.
I wonder, as I look around any more, how many masks I'm wearing. I literally don't know what I want in life, where I want to go, or how to get there. I know if I don't do things to cut down my Testosterone, I'm a nasty, depressed, SOB. But I need to make sure it's not a combination of poor coping skills from bad lessons in childhood, and a bit of self-hatred, a la "buffalo Bill" in silence of the lambs. OTOH, things have changed in diagnosis since then - but masks, right? Who am I? How the F do I even know...?
By way of comparison, my sister's adopted, and officially still "lives" at home. She might be there once a week for a few hours.... Her dog and her cat and her Gerbil (?) live there, my mom takes care of them. They're in Jersey, I'm in Massachusetts - I can't physically help, even if my sister and I were on speaking terms (she won't speak to me, I still think of her as my sister.)
So many issues to unravel!
All I see in the mirror is a walking dead zombie. The eyes are dark and dead, no humor, no sparkle, no happiness. No soul. I go to a dead-end job (Performance Engineer is specialized IT; I need to break into management, and even now, that might be a stretch. I'm always big fish in a little pond, or little fish in the ocean - never anything in between.)
I earn the primary income, which is spent before I reach payday. The less I spend... Well, it still gets spent, not quite sure how...
(Seriously, if it wasn't the dog, it was the car, or the house, or the woman's daughter, or the woman! Un Effing Believable! And after 9+ years, we're coming back from bankruptcy, foreclosure, repossessions... I had an 800 credit score, IRA, 401K, investments - all gone within a year of dating this woman, including to make down payment on a house which is now $100K underwater. This life sucks! How could I NOT want to be someone, ANYONE, else, right? )
As a woman once wrote (over at violent acres, her blog) - "Most people are depressed for a reason." (http://violentacres.com/archives/169/most-people-are-depressed-for-a-very-good-reason/)
(Also see http://violentacres.com/archives/168/the-mentality-of-an-abused-child/, as an aside.)
Wish that she kept the blog going; Sort of glad she "ran out of material." Harsh but real.
So I'm looking to make changes, without just throwing my woman aside. (OTOH, I know just about ANYTHING I do along these lines will terminate the relationship. Catch-22. But she knew ahead of time, and after 9 years? My time, wherever that goes.)
BTW, she has and abusive past, too (IE, recipient of), so I do try to be careful with her. She's not fragile at this point, but no reason to just slap people in the face, either, right?
I can fill out a 42C fairly well. I plan to lose weight so that I can be down in band size, regardless of anything else. Lots of slop to lose. I can handle that - training I know. Lost the weight a few times before, gained it back quickly and easily afterwards. And I need to make a waist, too. 44/40/40 isn't a figure. ;-) But lose 60 pounds, then work to burn off some of the muscle while trying to retain strength? could be an interesting challenge. Depends what counselling and hormones (inc. herbals) do.
Last note, since I had my rant at the start: I accidentally clicked
F*CK JAVASCRIPT. Give me actual code (e.g., FIREFOX on a PC) any day.
Caveat: I now cannot get the web cam to work, so I can't provide a photo to illustrate just HOW MUCH work would be required for me to pass as Medusa, let alone something that MIGHT be female. ;-) You'll have to wait for another few days until I can get a photo of the head (skull, hairline) and "boobs" per se.
So, 2015, figured I'd start things off with an update / Re-Intro. :-)
I'm a "lifelong" T* of some sort, I believe Transgender, who at 39 is essentially fed up with multiple aspects of my life.
I'm tired of running everything through a filter (even though it's mostly unconscious now). I don't want to be concerned with ensuring others perceive me as "male" or "to tough a target to bother with."
Now, I've used herbal treatments and Rx meds in the past, I like the Prescription-strength stuff better (herbals worked when I was a teen... Slightly, slowly, etc.)
Now, I've been off ALL meds for some time, and I'd get serious "flack" at home - but I know if I pursue this, I'll lose the relationship.
But I need to schedule a therapist appointment, I've got too much on my plate to handle it all myself, without oversight and guidance for prioritizing and managing this.
So that's my first real goal, in 2015.
Second goal, lost 52 pounds of fat by 2016. At only one pound per week, should be easy. I know how, I need to manage my diet to make it happen - and then manage ME to keep it off.
Third goal, see if I can avoid transition; or, if impossible, get the important core elements, like electrolysis, done.
I'm done living my life for others, living up to others' goals and objectives for their "good son" or "soul mate" or whatever.
How can they have my best interests at heart - a constant refrain - if they don't even want to know or accept who and what I am?
Anyway: Starting point:
Genetic Male, MTF, early onset (IE, crossdressing since about 7; envying the girls since about 8; wishing I could wake up as a girl since 8 or nine, maybe younger.)
Hormones on and off using herbals as a teen, and then inHouse occasionally over the last 20 years or so. Up to 8 mg/day.
Key measures:
Neck: 15.5"
Above breasts: 46"
Nipple line: 49"
Underbreast: 44"
Waist: 40" (Male waist measure)
Hips: 46"
thighs: 24"
Calf: 16.5"
Weight: 233.0
Body Fat %: 37.5%
Height: 5' 9"
Since I enjoy strength training, I need to add more activities for fat burning. HIIT and more physical activity every day should make it work - but I need to start monitoring my caloric intake. High Protein, medium Fat, VLC type diet. And make sure I target the correct muscles for strength training: Gluteals, esp. Gluteus Medius, and legs, but try to NOT build muscle in the calves. :-)
Also add Yoga and LOTS of stretching. Need to lengthen the muscles, especially the Quads - they're already an issue, women tend to be quad dominant - but not with MY sort of mass. The objective is to be feminine, and not a feminine Orc. ;-)
Also figured I'd upload basic photos, so I can keep a starting record. And BTW, YES, I wear a (sports) bra every day - for (two) obvious reasons! :-)
But I warn you, is NOT pretty. The numbers sound better than I look....
And BTW, haven't sent the woman around and may not now.
I'm a "lifelong" T* of some sort, I believe Transgender, who at 39 is essentially fed up with multiple aspects of my life.
I'm tired of running everything through a filter (even though it's mostly unconscious now). I don't want to be concerned with ensuring others perceive me as "male" or "to tough a target to bother with."
Now, I've used herbal treatments and Rx meds in the past, I like the Prescription-strength stuff better (herbals worked when I was a teen... Slightly, slowly, etc.)
Now, I've been off ALL meds for some time, and I'd get serious "flack" at home - but I know if I pursue this, I'll lose the relationship.
But I need to schedule a therapist appointment, I've got too much on my plate to handle it all myself, without oversight and guidance for prioritizing and managing this.
So that's my first real goal, in 2015.
Second goal, lost 52 pounds of fat by 2016. At only one pound per week, should be easy. I know how, I need to manage my diet to make it happen - and then manage ME to keep it off.
Third goal, see if I can avoid transition; or, if impossible, get the important core elements, like electrolysis, done.
I'm done living my life for others, living up to others' goals and objectives for their "good son" or "soul mate" or whatever.
How can they have my best interests at heart - a constant refrain - if they don't even want to know or accept who and what I am?
Anyway: Starting point:
Genetic Male, MTF, early onset (IE, crossdressing since about 7; envying the girls since about 8; wishing I could wake up as a girl since 8 or nine, maybe younger.)
Hormones on and off using herbals as a teen, and then inHouse occasionally over the last 20 years or so. Up to 8 mg/day.
Key measures:
Neck: 15.5"
Above breasts: 46"
Nipple line: 49"
Underbreast: 44"
Waist: 40" (Male waist measure)
Hips: 46"
thighs: 24"
Calf: 16.5"
Weight: 233.0
Body Fat %: 37.5%
Height: 5' 9"
Since I enjoy strength training, I need to add more activities for fat burning. HIIT and more physical activity every day should make it work - but I need to start monitoring my caloric intake. High Protein, medium Fat, VLC type diet. And make sure I target the correct muscles for strength training: Gluteals, esp. Gluteus Medius, and legs, but try to NOT build muscle in the calves. :-)
Also add Yoga and LOTS of stretching. Need to lengthen the muscles, especially the Quads - they're already an issue, women tend to be quad dominant - but not with MY sort of mass. The objective is to be feminine, and not a feminine Orc. ;-)
Also figured I'd upload basic photos, so I can keep a starting record. And BTW, YES, I wear a (sports) bra every day - for (two) obvious reasons! :-)
But I warn you, is NOT pretty. The numbers sound better than I look....
And BTW, haven't sent the woman around and may not now.
Attached Files
Trying to find ways to compress the images.
And this is from a PHONE camera! :-) LOL
And this is from a PHONE camera! :-) LOL
Attached Files
I believe if you loose some weight and get just a little more breast tissue, you will rival most anyone here. Good luck.
Well, thank you for the encouragement! :-)
Thinking I'm going to order PM as well, and I've been using Maca (through the first 16-oz container of gelatinized, powdered maca).
Biggest problem I have is, I CANNOT get motivated to do cardio, even HIIT.
I know I NEED to... I just can't translate that into action!
Now, not plugging the site, but I was directed to http://www.nowloss.com and I'm getting hopeful - it's not offering hope in a bottle, but it I suggesting I don't have to work as hard as I'm imagining.
I just... LIKE lifting!!! So I'm a wimp! (For a guy). I can improve that! (And it works for fat loss, too.) :-P
But...
I believe I mentioned I was off ALL meds for a while - over a month now.
I'm finding problems in my scalp.
I'm anxious and nervous.
I'm disagreeable under good conditions, and angry under the bad ones.
Methinks I need to get back on the dutasteride at least... ASAP. I can feel the texture of the hair has changed, too, and my body hair is back... And I NEVER liked body hair. Other guys, their problem. Me? PROBLEM! :-)
Does anyone have suggestions on breaking the news to the woman, who wants MORE "manly man"?
Still need to get the counselling under way, though. I also found an "online" routine, might be worth it as a preliminary, pay cash, get "opinion 1" and then go to a local. Less paper trail. Like getting a friend's opinion on the grinding from the car.... Do you take it to the local mechanic, or does it need someone special?
I'm mostly "conservative" (Note the small c.) I just can't comprehend how ANYONE can think this is a "lifestyle choice." I've got thinned and receded hairline; scars & stretch marks; I LIKE being strong (and hate the boobs getting in the way! LOL) - but I'm "choosing" to pursue a hormonal shift which will drive me somewhat crazy, warp my entire previous life (and un-warp it in a sense too), make me weaker, make the boobs more of an "issue" for daily life, drive me to penury, hazard my health and even LIFE...?
Tell me again who's the crazy one here? :-)
Anyway - new year, new rules, new results! We hope. :-)
BTW, anyone know of downloaders for YouTube? YouTube downloader is actually BLOCKED from YouTube - can't rip binaurals from youtube with the eponymous software. :-P
Thinking I'm going to order PM as well, and I've been using Maca (through the first 16-oz container of gelatinized, powdered maca).
Biggest problem I have is, I CANNOT get motivated to do cardio, even HIIT.
I know I NEED to... I just can't translate that into action!
Now, not plugging the site, but I was directed to http://www.nowloss.com and I'm getting hopeful - it's not offering hope in a bottle, but it I suggesting I don't have to work as hard as I'm imagining.
I just... LIKE lifting!!! So I'm a wimp! (For a guy). I can improve that! (And it works for fat loss, too.) :-P
But...
I believe I mentioned I was off ALL meds for a while - over a month now.
I'm finding problems in my scalp.
I'm anxious and nervous.
I'm disagreeable under good conditions, and angry under the bad ones.
Methinks I need to get back on the dutasteride at least... ASAP. I can feel the texture of the hair has changed, too, and my body hair is back... And I NEVER liked body hair. Other guys, their problem. Me? PROBLEM! :-)
Does anyone have suggestions on breaking the news to the woman, who wants MORE "manly man"?
Still need to get the counselling under way, though. I also found an "online" routine, might be worth it as a preliminary, pay cash, get "opinion 1" and then go to a local. Less paper trail. Like getting a friend's opinion on the grinding from the car.... Do you take it to the local mechanic, or does it need someone special?
I'm mostly "conservative" (Note the small c.) I just can't comprehend how ANYONE can think this is a "lifestyle choice." I've got thinned and receded hairline; scars & stretch marks; I LIKE being strong (and hate the boobs getting in the way! LOL) - but I'm "choosing" to pursue a hormonal shift which will drive me somewhat crazy, warp my entire previous life (and un-warp it in a sense too), make me weaker, make the boobs more of an "issue" for daily life, drive me to penury, hazard my health and even LIFE...?
Tell me again who's the crazy one here? :-)
Anyway - new year, new rules, new results! We hope. :-)
BTW, anyone know of downloaders for YouTube? YouTube downloader is actually BLOCKED from YouTube - can't rip binaurals from youtube with the eponymous software. :-P
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