(01-04-2014, 10:24 PM)ClaraKay Wrote: Hi again, Barry,
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't recall you mentioning that you are experiencing any kind of gender dysphoria. From everything you've described, you are a male-identified crossdresser. There's nothing wrong with that, but my guess is that PM and anti-androgen herbs are not for you. I would suggest using quality breast forms
Clara ![Smile Smile](https://www.breastnexum.com/images/smilies/smile.gif)
I deliberately waited a long time to respond since I had a lot of thinking to do after reading everyone's comments.
To answer your question Clara, rather than feel specifically inclined to be male or female, my experience has been mixed. There are times that I feel fully at home and at peace in feminine form and have wanted, often longed to transition to being female. Other times I have felt quite content to be a male and wanted to enhance my male physic. These thoughts are diametrically opposed to each other and in itself has caused tremendous frustration, even trauma over the years. But since getting married and having children, my opportunities to embrace my feminine side have become too rare. And I no longer entertain the thought of ever transitioning as it would destroy my family and I love them too much for that. I had thought PM might serve as a sort of half measure. Make me more feminine but still within acceptable norms.
In my single days, I dressed often but there were rare times I would take a bit of vacation time and live fully as a women for 2 or 3 days on end (though I either wouldn't leave my home or, if I needed to make a quick trip to the store, would temporary remove my makeup and throw on male clothes or a coat over my feminine attire for fear of being "outed").
All that being said, I don't feel I need to make excuses to appreciate a pair of breasts. I think that right should belong to anyone who desires it, whether or not we want to transition. And breast forms... just don't cut it. They like nice in a dress but are obvious fakes in anything less (undergarments, or naked). Plus you can't feel them, especially when being intimate or sensual with a partner. It just isn't the same but of course I have a pair.
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With that out of the way, I did put a lot of thought into what you said and decided to give up cold turkey on the PM (at least for now). There were some contributing factors:
1. Even after 3 weeks and going as high as 3000mg per day, I still noticed zero changes - no growth (I don't think) and no pain or sensitivity. With it taking so long without any noticeable changes, this could start getting expensive too which is a factor.
2. I seemed to be gaining a lot of weight. Not sure if that was because of the PM, but I did recall others mentioning this as a possible side effect. It could be because I've also not had time to exercise and have been having a bit more junk food lately due to being busy with work. But I've gone through such phases before without so much weight gain. My pants won't close anymore and I can't afford a new wardrobe! I occasionally thought I saw some breast growth but wasn't sure if they just looked like that because I could see them (e.g. removed the hair from my chest) and/or the increased weight overall. Anyway, I needed to get rid of the weight so wanted to see if PM was a factor.
3. My wife decided she wanted to try to have another child after all (God helps us!). So I thought I should go off it. Ironically we just found out she is pregnant - she must have gotten pregnant right before I started PM!
4. I could never get hard to have sex or even masturbate. That really wasn't fair to my wife who really missed it and I really missed it too. Ironically, now that I can finally get hard again, she's too tired to have sex because she's pregnant! Go figure.
Surprisingly there were two unmistakeable side effects to PM which were very unexpected:
1. All desire to crossdress was gone. On the one hand, I really missed it - it always gave me such an enjoyable high. On the other hand, it freed up so much time and eliminated so much stress on our marriage (my wife hates it), that it almost felt like a "cure" to a life long problem. But if I didn't feel a desire to become a female or even dress like one, why was I taking PM?
2. I definitely experienced the calmness and mental benefits others have described. I'd describe my marriage as strong but we definitely have a lot of loud, drawn out arguments. My wife is a fighter and fights mean. Generally I'm a calm person but she knows all the buttons to press to get me to lose my temper and to drag me into a fight even when I had no intention of getting into one. The amazing thing is, while on PM, the buttons didn't work. I had this zen like calmness and never rose to take the bait. Whenever she said things, no matter how mean or hurtful, they didn't get me upset and I was able to stay cool and respond rationally, even thoughtfully. I was able to side-step all the hurtful unrelated garbage she would throw my way and identify the heart of the issue (which I could never do before since, as we know, men are from mars...). After a while, my wife would give up and calm down herself. She even noted how "zen like" I had become.
The above was a wonderful feeling and really helped our relationship. Only problem is, it made us closer, which also made us want to be more intimate, which I couldn't really do beyond cuddling.
Now that I'm off PM for 2 or 3 weeks, I desperately wanted to hold onto that calm. And for a very brief while I did. But now, no matter how much I try to be that way again, I'm not. Those buttons work as well as ever.
That was probably the change quickest to go. I only got my first erection less than a week ago. And I still don't have the desire to crossdress, though lately I've had the desire to desire to crossdress if that makes any sense.