I'm sorry to start a new thread about this. I looked around and couldn't find one that fit.
1st problem. My mom is an old school homo-phobe.
enough said. How do I tell her?
2nd problem. I pay the bills. She lives in MY house. She can't kick me out, but not exactly win-win.
3rd problem. All male profession. Working with guys all day is weird enough.
4th problem. Making it all work long enough to save enough money before I "get fired, let go, etc" How long before mom disowns me and lives in a cave and guilts me to send her $?
I slowly "let myself out" at work, I "let it go" and for the most part my co-workers think I'm joking. I talk about all kinds of things most guys don't.
I had a little run-in while changing into my work pants. One guy asked me if I shaved my legs. I do of course but how to explain it? I said the work pants pulled on my leg hair and pulled most of it out. I killed the conversation after that, it got to be annoying. I doubt he bought my excuses, I shaved that morning before work. I was super-smooth.
I'm at that point in my life where I just don't care. Telling work, I'll probably get fired...eventually.... for some random BS. I will need to save save save. Telling mom will be the hardest. Thoughts?
1st problem. My mom is an old school homo-phobe.
enough said. How do I tell her?
2nd problem. I pay the bills. She lives in MY house. She can't kick me out, but not exactly win-win.
3rd problem. All male profession. Working with guys all day is weird enough.
4th problem. Making it all work long enough to save enough money before I "get fired, let go, etc" How long before mom disowns me and lives in a cave and guilts me to send her $?
I slowly "let myself out" at work, I "let it go" and for the most part my co-workers think I'm joking. I talk about all kinds of things most guys don't.
I had a little run-in while changing into my work pants. One guy asked me if I shaved my legs. I do of course but how to explain it? I said the work pants pulled on my leg hair and pulled most of it out. I killed the conversation after that, it got to be annoying. I doubt he bought my excuses, I shaved that morning before work. I was super-smooth.
I'm at that point in my life where I just don't care. Telling work, I'll probably get fired...eventually.... for some random BS. I will need to save save save. Telling mom will be the hardest. Thoughts?
Hi Jenny,
Is there some overarching reason your mom should know about your transgender inclination?
If you pay the bills, it appears that you have the upper hand. Are you simply afraid of your mother's likely disapproval?
You were worried about getting fired awhile back, but it hasn't happened. Why are you still worried about it?
You say you just don't care what people think anymore. That puts you in a strong psychological position to handle whatever transition you are planning.
What exactly is your intent?
Sorry, Jenny, I'm not being of much help.
Clara
Is there some overarching reason your mom should know about your transgender inclination?
If you pay the bills, it appears that you have the upper hand. Are you simply afraid of your mother's likely disapproval?
You were worried about getting fired awhile back, but it hasn't happened. Why are you still worried about it?
You say you just don't care what people think anymore. That puts you in a strong psychological position to handle whatever transition you are planning.
What exactly is your intent?
Sorry, Jenny, I'm not being of much help.
Clara
(02-03-2014, 04:48 AM)JennyGenesis Wrote: I'm sorry to start a new thread about this. I looked around and couldn't find one that fit.
1st problem. My mom is an old school homo-phobe.
enough said. How do I tell her?
I have no advice on this (sorry) I'm in more or less the same boat myself.
(02-03-2014, 04:48 AM)JennyGenesis Wrote: 2nd problem. I pay the bills. She lives in MY house. She can't kick me out, but not exactly win-win.
Much the same situation myself, so again I have no advice. (sorry again)
(02-03-2014, 04:48 AM)JennyGenesis Wrote: 3rd problem. All male profession. Working with guys all day is weird enough.
I do have advice on this, Try to get your own Business going, all the better if it is one that you dont have to deal with anyone on a face to face basis & can work from home.
(I did this myself)
(02-03-2014, 04:48 AM)JennyGenesis Wrote: 4th problem. Making it all work long enough to save enough money before I "get fired, let go, etc" How long before mom disowns me and lives in a cave and guilts me to send her $?
I Couldn't give advice on this even if I had been through it, every individual & set of circumstances can vary so drastically on this that you could spend 1000 lifetimes or more trying to find a way to predict such outcomes.
(02-03-2014, 04:48 AM)JennyGenesis Wrote: I had a little run-in while changing into my work pants. One guy asked me if I shaved my legs. I do of course but how to explain it? I said the work pants pulled on my leg hair and pulled most of it out. I killed the conversation after that, it got to be annoying. I doubt he bought my excuses, I shaved that morning before work. I was super-smooth.
Tell them you Cycle/Jog, a lot of guys that do both shave their legs, or you can tell them things like you are allergic to your own body hair. (a actual rare disorder I have heard of)
(02-03-2014, 04:48 AM)JennyGenesis Wrote: I'm at that point in my life where I just don't care. Telling work, I'll probably get fired...eventually.... for some random BS. I will need to save save save. Telling mom will be the hardest. Thoughts?
I've posted all of the advice I can give, i'm in a very similar situation myself so the only other thing I can do is wish you the best of luck on whatever you do.
Hello Jenny,
In regards to telling your mom, I think it depends on what kind of relationship you have with your mom and what kind of positive changes you hope to achieve by telling her.
I know it's not the same, but I did have a talk with my mom about my crossdressing habits a few years ago. I never planned on telling her, but after she inquired about some incriminating evidence, I chose to tell her the truth. It was a learning experience for both of us. One, she knew a lot more about crossdressing and why males crossdress than I previously suspected. Two, while she didn't endorse my crossdressing, she accepted it as simply a part of who I am. She had no desire to try to shame me out of crossdressing by telling others or otherwise try to pressure me to stop crossdressing. Three, she still loves me and she enjoys spending time with me, even though she may prefer to keep the crossdressing out of sight and out of mind.
Have I told her about NBE and my transgender leanings? No, I see no reason to. If it's anything like crossdressing, I suspect she'll accept it and not bring it up again. Am I worried about her finding out like she did with my crossdressing? Not especially. She has never chided me for not being manly or masculine enough. She's actually supportive of me walking in high heels for a women's charity event. She has admired the feminine posters I have in my home. She appreciates the decorative and thoughtful cards I give her for her birthday and Mother's Day. Maybe my mom might prefer me to act more masculine, I don't know, but I think for her being a part of my life is much more important.
Hopefully this might give you some insight as to how to proceed with telling your mom or not.
As far as coming out at your workplace, I don't have any advice for you. I do think saving your money and preparing for the worst is a good strategy to pursue in the meantime.
In regards to telling your mom, I think it depends on what kind of relationship you have with your mom and what kind of positive changes you hope to achieve by telling her.
I know it's not the same, but I did have a talk with my mom about my crossdressing habits a few years ago. I never planned on telling her, but after she inquired about some incriminating evidence, I chose to tell her the truth. It was a learning experience for both of us. One, she knew a lot more about crossdressing and why males crossdress than I previously suspected. Two, while she didn't endorse my crossdressing, she accepted it as simply a part of who I am. She had no desire to try to shame me out of crossdressing by telling others or otherwise try to pressure me to stop crossdressing. Three, she still loves me and she enjoys spending time with me, even though she may prefer to keep the crossdressing out of sight and out of mind.
Have I told her about NBE and my transgender leanings? No, I see no reason to. If it's anything like crossdressing, I suspect she'll accept it and not bring it up again. Am I worried about her finding out like she did with my crossdressing? Not especially. She has never chided me for not being manly or masculine enough. She's actually supportive of me walking in high heels for a women's charity event. She has admired the feminine posters I have in my home. She appreciates the decorative and thoughtful cards I give her for her birthday and Mother's Day. Maybe my mom might prefer me to act more masculine, I don't know, but I think for her being a part of my life is much more important.
Hopefully this might give you some insight as to how to proceed with telling your mom or not.
As far as coming out at your workplace, I don't have any advice for you. I do think saving your money and preparing for the worst is a good strategy to pursue in the meantime.
As for mom, feel her up. I mean, bring up the topic of transgendered people with her just in a general, passing conversation and casually ask her thoughts on it. Mostly, you really don't even HAVE to ask, I'm pretty sure that once you get her talking about it she'll just lay it all out in front of you, especially if you take a pro view of it (at LEAST SLIGHTLY pro) to her possible con view. Spot an article in a book, newspaper or movie/t.v. show about it and just bring it up in conversation at dinner and see what her reaction to it is. "Oh! Look! Chastity Bono had a sex change! That's cool! I hope he'll be happy with his new life." Sit down and watch, "The World According To Garp", with her, or, "To Wong Foo, Love Julie Newmar", and when the TS/crossdressing bits come to the fore, maybe she'll say something about how she feels about it.
As for the other stuff, sounds kinda like you DON'T care what others think, but you aren't really committed to that just yet. Keep working on it! It IS a great relief once you break through your own barrier!
I WAS going to say that joggers shave `em, and you could use that as an excuse, but that's already been said. Great minds think alike!
Not sure about what to do about the job thing, other than, like it was also said, work for yourself.
Good luck with that! I hope everything works out well for you!! :-)
As for the other stuff, sounds kinda like you DON'T care what others think, but you aren't really committed to that just yet. Keep working on it! It IS a great relief once you break through your own barrier!
I WAS going to say that joggers shave `em, and you could use that as an excuse, but that's already been said. Great minds think alike!
Not sure about what to do about the job thing, other than, like it was also said, work for yourself.
Good luck with that! I hope everything works out well for you!! :-)
I agree with Missed Miss on the mom situation. Test her a bit. If she does turn out to be as anti-LGBT as you say, I feel like you should just condition her slowly to accept it. Maybe start with being pro-LGBT in front of her and question her anti-LGBT actions and ideas. You could then move to stating and expressing your femininity to her in increasing degrees over time. Hopefully she'd soften up over time. I feel like you'd ideally get the support from a friend of your mom or other family members before confronting your mom. Anyway, that's what I'd suggest, but I haven't had to deal with it myself. Good luck Jenny.
If I can throw my two cents in here.
Good suggestion on the movies, however... most trans movies show drag queens. As explained by Noxeema;
Noxeema Jackson: When a straight man puts on a dress and gets his sexual kicks, he is a transvestite. When a man is a woman trapped in a man's body and has a little operation he is a Transsexual.
Noxeema Jackson: When a gay man has way too much fashion sense for one gender he is a drag queen.
Since mom is homophobic, this could be a poor choice of a first movie to watch.
You want to educate, but not enforce the LGBTQ aspect. Take a look through the list below and maybe preview the movie first to see if it steers away from mentioning homo/bi sexuality. After a one or two "clean" movies THEN move on to To Wong Foo or my favorite, Kinky Boots.
Tell mom you want to have a movie night once a week. Mix it up and slowly work them in. Have a minor discussion about the movies afterwards to get her feelings towards the characters. After a few weeks she may see the situation in a different light.
TLDR;
Take it slow
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cross-dressing_in_film_and_television
Good suggestion on the movies, however... most trans movies show drag queens. As explained by Noxeema;
Noxeema Jackson: When a straight man puts on a dress and gets his sexual kicks, he is a transvestite. When a man is a woman trapped in a man's body and has a little operation he is a Transsexual.
Noxeema Jackson: When a gay man has way too much fashion sense for one gender he is a drag queen.
Since mom is homophobic, this could be a poor choice of a first movie to watch.
You want to educate, but not enforce the LGBTQ aspect. Take a look through the list below and maybe preview the movie first to see if it steers away from mentioning homo/bi sexuality. After a one or two "clean" movies THEN move on to To Wong Foo or my favorite, Kinky Boots.
Tell mom you want to have a movie night once a week. Mix it up and slowly work them in. Have a minor discussion about the movies afterwards to get her feelings towards the characters. After a few weeks she may see the situation in a different light.
TLDR;
Take it slow
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cross-dressing_in_film_and_television
At the risk of sounding obvious... you weren't... or you'd have been born with a uterus.
Other than that, it's your house, and you get to do what you want in it. She'll either blow it off, or disown you and move out; either way you win.
People always want to know how to change their destiny without upsetting anyone's apple cart. Ain't gonna happen. You have to grab Destiny by the freakin' balls and squeeze until you make it your bitch.
Otherwise, you just stay the same old sad sack everyone thinks you are.
Other than that, it's your house, and you get to do what you want in it. She'll either blow it off, or disown you and move out; either way you win.
People always want to know how to change their destiny without upsetting anyone's apple cart. Ain't gonna happen. You have to grab Destiny by the freakin' balls and squeeze until you make it your bitch.
Otherwise, you just stay the same old sad sack everyone thinks you are.
This post was last modified: 03-03-2014, 04:00 AM by MissC.
Jenny, I have to apologize for blowing you off in my first response to your cry for help. Frankly, I was in my seventh day off PM and was acting very much in my old male mode. I'm back on PM now and feeling less agitated and more like I prefer to be.
You have received a number of constructive suggestions for dealing with your problem; hopefully you have found something among those ideas that is worth trying.
The problem I have in making a suggest is the lack of understand of your situation beyond what you've written. I have no familiarity with your mother's attitudes other than your saying she's 'homophobic'. Even if you are gay (you don't say), I've seen people's attitudes toward gays flip 180 degrees when its revealed that one of their own children is gay. Being transgender does not necessarily mean your attracted to guys.
I don't see transgenderism being an all or nothing situation the way homosexuality is. I think one is best off easing into a crossgender role. In that way, your mom will see changes occurring over a long period and have time to adapt to your new gender expression. Grow your hair out, wear an ear ring, shave your chest hair, wear clothes that hint of the feminine, start on a low level of NBE herbs, start using feminine verbal expressions, the list goes on.
At some point, your mom may comment on some change you make. That an opportunity to engage in a conversation to learn more about her feelings and let her know yours.
I bet that over a year's time span, you could be living the life of a woman to some degree with the full knowledge and acceptance/toleration of your mom.
Waiting to hear from you.
Hugs,
Clara
You have received a number of constructive suggestions for dealing with your problem; hopefully you have found something among those ideas that is worth trying.
The problem I have in making a suggest is the lack of understand of your situation beyond what you've written. I have no familiarity with your mother's attitudes other than your saying she's 'homophobic'. Even if you are gay (you don't say), I've seen people's attitudes toward gays flip 180 degrees when its revealed that one of their own children is gay. Being transgender does not necessarily mean your attracted to guys.
I don't see transgenderism being an all or nothing situation the way homosexuality is. I think one is best off easing into a crossgender role. In that way, your mom will see changes occurring over a long period and have time to adapt to your new gender expression. Grow your hair out, wear an ear ring, shave your chest hair, wear clothes that hint of the feminine, start on a low level of NBE herbs, start using feminine verbal expressions, the list goes on.
At some point, your mom may comment on some change you make. That an opportunity to engage in a conversation to learn more about her feelings and let her know yours.
I bet that over a year's time span, you could be living the life of a woman to some degree with the full knowledge and acceptance/toleration of your mom.
Waiting to hear from you.
Hugs,
Clara
(03-03-2014, 07:53 AM)ClaraKay Wrote: I don't see transgenderism being an all or nothing situation the way homosexuality is. I think one is best off easing into a crossgender role. In that way, your mom will see changes occurring over a long period and have time to adapt to your new gender expression. Grow your hair out, wear an ear ring, shave your chest hair, wear clothes that hint of the feminine, start on a low level of NBE herbs, start using feminine verbal expressions, the list goes on.
At some point, your mom may comment on some change you make. That an opportunity to engage in a conversation to learn more about her feelings and let her know yours.
I bet that over a year's time span, you could be living the life of a woman to some degree with the full knowledge and acceptance/toleration of your mom.
Waiting to hear from you.
Hugs,
Clara
this is the kind of almost painfully slow approach I am testing on my parents & Relitives.
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