Its Day 721, I'm one week in on higher dose of bovine ovary now and omg this is mind blowing! Also six days in on estriol cream and I think I'm onto something. Due to my girlfriend visiting, I've been doing less hours on noogle, I didn't take whole day off yesterday but I've been just doing less hours instead.
Regardless of that, my boobs are so puffy and feeling heavy and aching, did I mention they frigging ACHE. Especially late in the evening and its on its strongest when I get up in the morning. And nipples appear definitely bigger than before. I've taken few days off of Supple Nips as I ended up, nor surprisingly, blistering left nipple. But I'm ready to get back with them as soon as I finish this post, so all is good on that and I'm keeping at it, I want to learn if I can actually get to use them for real... Which means enough time put in it but my super delicate skin is the problem. Same as with Noogle really, I can't take hard core crazy hours which is key to this kind of stimulation, there's a steep learning curve on tolerance and that takes patience which I'm often short of.
The experiment with BO is working out awesomely, I think this jump from 1000mg to 1500mg has a similar ddifference as what going from 400mg to 950mg did at the first time when I bumped it up. Same effects, heaviness, ache, areolas standing in such attention its crazy and my breast buds which have widened a lot feel more defined as if they're swollen. All this has been obvious growth symptom since the day one so I'm very optimistic. Also my 34KK bra is absolutely stuffed full, extender at the maximum setting, straps loosened and yet wires dig on, centre gore floats, straps dig in and everything leaves nasty deep red marks on me. So very timely to go up a size. I should get my new bra today or tomorrow. I'm excited as its the first balconette bra I've had for a long time and I love that style and its also super pretty and reviews were very promising about lot of side support and pushing boobs out a whole lot, one lady mentioned that she doesn't have the side boob problem any more as the bra is so good dealing with that. This is exactly what a good bra is for me as mine are so wide I want side support to bring out hidden projection which I have a whole lot.
My two years on HRT is closing in, its only nine days away and its making me think about so much... Its a milestone to reach for sure and I'm absolutely loving the changes I've got. Its a big deal, the direction things are going to is perfect. I'm even starting to get problems with jeans, when they fit over my butt really well, waist is loose and needs some tweaking to fit well. This is such a lovely problem, I don't mind.
This coming third year is going to make a big difference, I know it will. Not the least because I will likely get the body contouring arranged which will be a massive shortcut towards my dream body. I feel that I'm old enough to not wait much longer, I want to feel ready soon and I want to feel beautiful. The sort of beauty I'm after hasn't been truly allowed to me before in past life. It just didn't work out, my goth phase I think was closest to it and being able to live a lot as myself with past girlfriends, the ones who somehow sensed what was up with me and there were several. Interestingly when I started transitioning, a whole lot of people were not surprised in the slightest. I guess they're the ones who had been in the know about me for a long time.
I've been told so many times that the vibe I give out is so feminine there's no mistaking it. No surprise I guess because fixing my body hasn't changed my personality much, I'm still me. But it has made me realise how much of my outgoing talkative extrovert side was a facade. That was a character, learned behaviour meant to mask my personality. In hindsight it was all so useless. I wish I was born with a silver spoon of knowledge in my mouth. Had it been like that, I would have been ready and lived a correct youth already. But that's long gone now. My only regret, why didn't I do this so much earlier. No one ever told me its even possible, knowing wasn't enough as no one ever said I could make a real difference. There's a thing about beauty that has to do with this, I've dreamed of being beautiful, feeling it, being perceived as such since I was little kid. There are pictures of me from some family gathering from ages ago in which I'm wearing necklaces and such. My mother said that I had stated that I want to be pretty for the party and it wasn't a one time occurrence. I did it a lot. Much later on when I was really into metal/goth look, that was amazing as it allowed me to wear a whole lot of way more feminine stuff and feel pretty in a way. And the times with ex girlfriends when they made my hair and stuff, I so much loved it all.
I just feel now that I'm late for the party, how to feel beautiful in a body that's ageing, soon reaching forty years, a body which has testosterone damage in it, a body which feels too tall, wide and clumsy. And my face, I feel I look mundane and androgynous and my features are not the "blank canvas" type which can be painted to look like anything and anyone. Which I've noted to be a feature of women many perceive as conventionally attractive and beautiful. They're often very bland looking without all the bling and make up. I know many of them and I'm envious. Being able to transform looks what ever way they wish, I could give my left arm for that ability. This is part of the reason I have left nearly all social media. I just can't take it.... If I'm ever to feel beautiful in my body, I must build that up in real life where people are real and not this fake shit the internet is turning into. How much of "people" are virtual avatars and AI creations, bot accounts, filters, photoshop, makeup and cosmetic surgery? I predict in few years, most of them aren't real at all, but they're like NPC's in a real life Sims game the social media has turned into. I can't feel pretty in a world like that because I'm always ugly and mundane, shapeless and disgusting... In real life its all different. I'm not worse off and feel mostly fine. So screw it with internet. BN forums along with my tiny Discord server and friends I chat with is the only outlet for talking about all this from NBE to HRT to transition stuff and what else. I don't have anything else out there, I don't belong.
But omg this is too funny, we're having a really nice warm day which means there's no way I would wear some skinny jeans or long skirt or something. No way so I went to look for some shorts. Omg this is too funny, these used to fit last year. My weight hasn't changed but something else sure has shifted. When I got these years ago they were soo big they almost fell off and now I can't even get them over my butt. And I'm loving every bit of it, this kind of wardrobe malfuction is so called for. Yes please, I want more.
