Samantha, Clara - I can understand that people have to transition, I was one of those, but I just want people to be aware of how destructive transition is. The oft-used analogy is an ugly caterpillar morphing into a beautiful butterfly. The reality is that, for most people, transition is more like being a survivor of Hiroshima or Nagasaki with your life in ruins and one or two bits surviving the blast.

If I had the choice I would not have transitioned, but after my breakdown I realised I was out of choices. Nonetheless I have been one of the lucky ones. In "Hiroshima terms" I would have been in the outskirts of the city, not at ground zero like some I know who lost everything and everyone. My life was only partly destroyed and I am still rebuilding it years later.

Given that I had to transition, I am satisfied with the outcome but things would have been easier for me if I had been able to carry on as I was. So I always advise people to stop and think if they really, really, really need to transition and, if not, then do not transition.

I always urge people to think carefully and if they have any doubts then do not start down the road to transition. The odds are rarely in your favour.

BTW - Happy New Year.

Rose,
I am fully aware of the destruction that transitioning can bring about. (And by transition I assume you mean full transition, ie: surgery) I have thought about it much to be honest and I believe I would stand to lose everything should I go that route. (And would no doubt have to move away also) For me, there are no plans EVER to go under the knife.

But there must be middle ground here...a partial transition so to speak. To transition to the woman within without going through SRS. Forgive me but as I was reading your post (and I don't think for a second you meant it this way) I got the feeling that this should be a "all or nothing" thing. If so what does that mean for me? Go back to hiding? I can't go back there, I won't go back there. Do I have doubts? You bet I do! But not about the woman within me. I have plenty of doubts along with fear and loads of anxiety but are these not part of the journey? So, I am moving forward and I will no doubt end up somewhere along the sliding scale.

Again, I don't believe you meant it the way I read it. And, I fully believe that there needs to be voices out there, such as yours, to make us stop and think about where we are going and the consequences of it all. And for that, I thank you sincerely.

Somewhat related,
I have decided that I need to sit down and have "the talk" with my wife. I fear the worst here but she needs to hear the truth and I need to be honest about everything. I can't see how she could of possibly missed all the clues over the years (and maybe she didn't) but we live very much in a "don't ask,don't tell" state here. (More to come on this later) I plan this talk for Saturday and I'm struggling to find the right words to start it. Perhaps there are no right words. She's a good women and has accepted everything about me and I LOVE HER DEEPLY. But I fear that this will be the proverbial straw.....
I realize that telling her takes some of the weight off my shoulders and will then put it all on hers. I've been trying to find a way to alleviate this but I suppose there isn't any short of hiding again and I can't do that. I don't want to cause her any pain...I love her.
I know many here have gone through this and I admire the courage it takes to even start this subject. I only hope that I don't allow fear to take over. The anxiety of it is almost unbearable.

Best of wishes for a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Savannah

Savannah, dear, are you prepared for your sit down with your spouse? Have you worked out what you are going to say? Do you have answers prepared for the obvious questions your wife will ask? Have you researched the subject of transgenderism well enough to explain its cause and its treatment? Do you have material at hand to give your wife to read, so that she has facts, not fiction, to base a response? If the answers to these questions are not an emphatic, "Yes", then I would hold off until you've done the necessary groundwork. You have one opportunity to do this right. If you muck it up, it may take years to recover her respect and trust.

Good luck, hon.
Clara

Clara,
I have thought a lot about the answers to any and all of the questions she may have (of course I'm sure I've missed some). I do not have any material that she could read save those few sites on the internet that I have bookmarked on my tablet. Perhaps that could be a starting point...I don't know. Or, is there some reading material out there that you could possibly recommend? Your right of course, I really only have one opportunity to get this right and it would be best to do the groundwork before hand. Clearly I have some homework to do. Being better prepared may help alleviate some of this anxiety in me too....although I doubt it.

I know she sees the changes in me. Every once in a while I catch her giving me one of those looks like....Who is this guy. So I believe she knows something's up. Woman's intuition don't ya know!

Thanks Hun, for the advice. Just one of the reasons I love this place!

Savannah

I have decided that I need to sit down and have "the talk" with my wife. I fear the worst here but she needs to hear the truth and I need to be honest about everything. I can't see how she could of possibly missed all the clues over the years (and maybe she didn't) but we live very much in a "don't ask,don't tell" state here. (More to come on this later) I plan this talk for Saturday and I'm struggling to find the right words to start it.

Savannah,

I would implore you to *not* have "the talk" with your wife so soon. "The talk" has as much potential to do damage to your relationship as any other phase of transition (including SRS). Give the PM a chance to do it's magic. If you're like just about everyone else here, one of two things will happen. One possibility is that your inner gender identity will stir to the point where transition is necessary and inevitable. But the other possibility is that your GD will ease considerably and you'll find living as a male acceptable (and perhaps preferable given the costs of living as a women, SRS or not).

Good luck on your decision and action, either way.

Misty

.... I really only have one opportunity to get this right and it would be best to do the groundwork before hand. Clearly I have some homework to do. Being better prepared may help alleviate some of this anxiety in me too....although I doubt it.

The most common reaction of the wives of transgender people is disbelief followed by anger followed by accusations of betrayal. This usually happens with 24 hours and for most coming-out conversations within 24 minutes.

If you are going to tell her then have an answer to why you betrayed her, why you hid this from her, why you did not trust her to tell her.

I know so many trans-women who have been floored by the "betrayal question" so prepare for it.

Adding to what Rose says, I recommend reading Jennifer Boylan's story in her book "She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders". She waited till her 40's to tell her wife, Deedie. Deedie took it hard, but they've stayed together to this day. I'm surprised at how many of my TS friends don't take advantage of the experiences of others in taking this all important step. I would also read the book "The Gendered Self" by Dr. Anne Vitale for facts about the cause and treatment of gender dysphoria. Finally, the book "True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism--For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals" is a must for you and your wife to read. Overcoming the myths and misconceptions about transgenderism is critical to gaining understanding, acceptance and support.

Clara

Clara

This entire thread, despite comments about it all having been said here before, should be mandatory reading for any one who has had serious thoughts about transition, in the sense of bringing the body one was born with more into accord with one's personally perceived gender. It's been nearly eight months since I had the talk (actually a carefully drafted document - please read this through to the end and then we'll talk), and it resulted in my one and only coming on board as a full partner in our transition - but I won't pretend that it hasn't been a rough ride at times - and we had special advantages such as seventeen years of close friendship prior to any physical relationship, and working together on a difficult and risky enterprise that brought her and her children to Canada and legalised their presence here. Acquiring a ready made family kept the GID under control for more than twenty years, but as the kids left home and maybe my T levels dropped the GID came back.

My mother had been determined before I was born that I was going to be Annabel, but I arrived with the wrong body - then she became determined that I was to achieve everything that my dead father might have achieved. About ten years ago I came to a sufficient appreciation of my nature to start considering transition, but it seemed that so long as my mother was alive, and in view of my family commitments, that it was not possible. I thought that maybe a little bit of feminisation such as herbally induced minor breast growth might keeop the GID at bay, but what I tried didn't work. Then I landed up in hospital for emergency abdominal surgery, during which it turned out that my blood pressure was out of control. To cut a long story short, I ended up on massive doses of beta blockers, and a trial course of spiro, at which point our doctor died suddenly and we were unable to find a replacement , so the beta blockers and spiro were continued for another 18 months admittedly with some connivance on my part. During this period I experienced some significant breast development and a complete loss of male function. When I finally got to see my cardiologist, he cancelled the beta blockers and spiro and substituted a calcium channel blocker which very effectively dealt with the blood pressure problems. For three months I tried various things to restore male function without the slightest effect, and having discovered this board started taking PM which has not only produced more breast growth and still further atrophy of my male parts but also seems at least in the long run at fairly high doses to have reduced my testosterone below measurable levels (an effect which seems to have been noted by some other people here). About one thing I was quite wrong - a little bit of feminisation was eventually not enough.

We are all different, and my perhaps most notable difference is that I have never cross dressed. When I first heard earlier this year of the Southern Comfort Conference in Atlanta , something inside me that I now know was Annabel said 'You must go' even if this more or less mandated cross dressing. I had a fanciful notion of going to the conference as a 'virgin' cross dresser but both Clara and my spouse said that I must rehearse. So on August 20 I dressed and found then and there that I was indeed Annabel. Except for the following day and for traveling down to Atlanta, I have been Annabel (or Annie as given to me by Sammie for everyday use) ever since. You can have no idea of the sense of liberation after two thirds of a century stuck in a male shell. It is not cross dressing since Annabel, that I had always so severely repressed, had to have clothes. So here I am on estradiol and spiro, though still taking PM, and looking for some rather limited surgery.

A great story, Annie, and powerful support for the idea that you're never too old to live your dream.

Clara

This entire thread, despite comments about it all having been said here before, should be mandatory reading for any one who has had serious thoughts about transition, in the sense of bringing the body one was born with more into accord with one's personally perceived gender.

Annie,

I definitely agree. I started this thread because I was feeling that the only option being presented to those of us suffering from GD is full transition. While a number of members may ultimately decide that is the course for them, there are others who will not need to go that far. I feel that only encouraging one possible course of action leads to a group-think mentality and can often push people in a direction or towards actions that aren't necessarily right for them.

Coming out, or "the talk", that has been discussed in earlier replies is one particular example of what I mean. While things may go fine for some when they open up fully to their spouse or other family members, the odds of that being the case are definitely against most of us. Unfortunately there is no way to put that cork back into the bottle. Therefore, one must be absolutely sure they have no other alternative before taking that step. If taken too early, and if it results in a wrecked marriage or broken family, the real shame occurs later should PM reduce the GD to manageable levels. In that case coming out would have been clearly premature and likely unnecessary. But the damage had already been done.

Misty

It's a very tough call, Misty. It can work against you both ways. I know people who held off telling their wives about their trans nature out of fear of negative consequences. But, they secretly cross dress, even go on HRT in secret, gradually damaging the marital relationship. When the wife eventually discovers the deception -- and she will -- trust in the relationship is shattered. Overcoming that loss of trust makes holding the marriage and family together so much harder, even impossible. IMO, if you value your marriage, and you're not ready to tell your spouse, don't go down that path.

Clara