07-02-2014, 09:23 PM
Hum, not sure.
I had a real problem with my Dad, for many years - nothing to do with sex or anything like that - we always ahd a 'cool' but Ok relationship..
I was bought up on a 250 acre farm from day one until I was 8. I remember clearly the day I was told we were selling up and moving - I remember clearly as if it were yesterday , days and nights in absolute despair, crying just wanting it not to be true - even then, the only life I ever wanted was to follow on in that farm - for God's sake I had been driving a tractor by myself since 4 and had first driven a combine harvester (MH 726) during the summer of that last year.
I have always, always, until recently when Dad died, blamed my folks and Dad in particular for the fact I could never afford to pursue the one career I always wanted (and still hanker after even now at the upper side of 55). I think I have forgiven them - but who can truly be sure of ones underlying feelings?
I actually had a very liberated and self fulfilling childhood from that point on - I had very little to do with my genetic parents, but latched on, at two different periods in my pre university years, to two different but completely different adult role models, both in the farming world and both of whom trusted me big time with highly expensive and complicated machinery way before I was legally allowed.
Yet, on reflection, my mum was, and is at 82, the strong one so perhaps she was more the decision maker in all this and maybe the one who gave me the freedom I so needed at the time - maybe that is why I feel free now to experiment with all this..
I guess it all reverts to the perennial argument - environment verses genetics - I don’t perceive anything in my genetic past which would have made me receptive to the changes which I now seem to be embracing but neither do I really see that the difficulties of my youth, which subsequently gave me a tremendous appreciation of different lifestyles the cause for the self identity issues I now face....
This has been serious reflection out loud and subsequent wittering ....... sorry - I didn't have enough sense to hit 'Delete' this time!!
M x
I had a real problem with my Dad, for many years - nothing to do with sex or anything like that - we always ahd a 'cool' but Ok relationship..
I was bought up on a 250 acre farm from day one until I was 8. I remember clearly the day I was told we were selling up and moving - I remember clearly as if it were yesterday , days and nights in absolute despair, crying just wanting it not to be true - even then, the only life I ever wanted was to follow on in that farm - for God's sake I had been driving a tractor by myself since 4 and had first driven a combine harvester (MH 726) during the summer of that last year.
I have always, always, until recently when Dad died, blamed my folks and Dad in particular for the fact I could never afford to pursue the one career I always wanted (and still hanker after even now at the upper side of 55). I think I have forgiven them - but who can truly be sure of ones underlying feelings?
I actually had a very liberated and self fulfilling childhood from that point on - I had very little to do with my genetic parents, but latched on, at two different periods in my pre university years, to two different but completely different adult role models, both in the farming world and both of whom trusted me big time with highly expensive and complicated machinery way before I was legally allowed.
Yet, on reflection, my mum was, and is at 82, the strong one so perhaps she was more the decision maker in all this and maybe the one who gave me the freedom I so needed at the time - maybe that is why I feel free now to experiment with all this..
I guess it all reverts to the perennial argument - environment verses genetics - I don’t perceive anything in my genetic past which would have made me receptive to the changes which I now seem to be embracing but neither do I really see that the difficulties of my youth, which subsequently gave me a tremendous appreciation of different lifestyles the cause for the self identity issues I now face....
This has been serious reflection out loud and subsequent wittering ....... sorry - I didn't have enough sense to hit 'Delete' this time!!
M x