Do I suffer from gender dysphoria? At this point I'd have to say yes.
How do I know? Let's just call it a self diagnosis
When did you discover that your dysphoria was gender related? Up until recent exploration and research I did not put two and two together. Numerous issues throughout my life could probably be contributed to this, and it seems the signs were always there. Perhaps only a psych can tell me more.
Have you been able to alleviate the symptoms? To some degree, but I've only just begun...now for the details.
Like a lot of people, I'm a product of a broken home. I was the middle child of three boys, and growing up my father always favored my older brother. Quite often my younger brother and I were left with our mother, as my father wanted nothing to do with us. As I grew up, I wasn't into sports, though I did participate in non-organized athletics in the neighborhood. What I did do though was a lot of what many would call "feminine" things for entertainment. I sewed clothes & stuffed animals, I learned latch hook, crochet, knitting and needle point. I was always first to help my mother with housework and never did dislike it (unlike my brothers). I also played make believe a lot with my stuffed animals, which I felt was normal though many perceive it as a feminine activity.
That being said, I remember a time around age 8 or 9 when my younger brother, step brother and I were playing a game that involved our privates. Nothing sexual happened, just one of those weird moments when I reflect upon that makes me go hmmmmm. Around age 13 I found my older brother's stash of porn while also becoming hooked on listening to the Dr Ruth show. It was during this time that I started masturbating and also vividly recall trying to give myself oral. However, much to my dismay I never was successful. It was during the same time frame where I started exploring my mother's and step sisters top dresser drawers. Nylons felt particularly nice, but what really felt good was the silky smooth satin panties. Some of this excited me sexually, while some of it made me feel more comfortable.
Fast forward a couple years. My dad won custody of my younger brother and I, and we were forced to live in a household that we did not want to and felt unwelcome. Running away solved nothing, and every time the courts ordered us to live with him, finally stating if we didn't stay he'd lock us away. So we stayed. Even though I was in the 10th grade, I was still going through puberty. I had no under arm hair, barely any pubic hair and my voice was just starting to change. I didn't have much real interest in girls sexually, and still enjoyed playing imaginative games with toys (GI Joe and Star Wars to be specific), often times with younger kids as they were the only ones playing with them. My neighbor once told me his dad even thought I was gay. I continued my fiendish masturbation, and even a few times tasted my sperm to "find out" what it was like. My fascination with panties also continued, as my neighbor had a sister my age and my older step sister moved back in after having a child in college. I had one serious girl friend my senior year, but never actually had sex with her, just a lot of mutual masturbation and hickeys.
I joined the military right out of high school and hated it so bad I wanted to desert, fake a suicide, or even claim to be gay just to get out. But that never happened. During this time my porn addiction flourished, as I could now legally buy it as well as obtain movies to watch. I also became hooked on reading porn, sometimes just buying a Penthouse Forum so that I could visualize the action rather than just look at pics. I also purchased a vibrator and "took" my own virginity while wearing some lingerie I acquired from my cousin's girlfriend (unbeknownst to her of course). I turned to alcohol heavily, which ironically led me to meet the woman that would take my virginity at 19 and also whom I would marry the following year.
However, our marriage hasn't exactly been perfect. In our 20+ years we've been to extensive counseling twice. To be quite honest, I was a miserable drunk (though never abusive), even turning to drugs for a time, all of which I did because something was missing in our relationship. My wife knew about my panty fetish from the start, which even led us to perform some role reversal in the bedroom on occasion. It was during moments like this that part of me knew that this was what was missing. With the advent of the internet I found many sites that dealt with forced feminization and gender swapping. Reading these stories fueled my desire to be more feminine, and this is when I started cross dressing and acting out fantasies solo and with my wife. I even was partially busted when I answered the front door when a buddy came over and asked if I was wearing eyeliner! Apparently I didn't get all of the makeup off from my dress up session earlier!
But alas life changes came about, and while we still played our bedroom games, nothing progressed in regards to my internal wants. I had a family to support, so my desires had to stay hidden. I did however still enjoy wearing my panties as much as possible. Then about six months ago something changed, and my desires resurfaced with a vengeance. Along with this I decided I needed to cure my porn addiction. So as of a month ago my wife has the keys and controls that aspect while I have taken the liberty to start expressing myself in a more feminine way.
And like a few others, I discovered this site and now well I guess I'll just see how far down this road I go!
How do I know? Let's just call it a self diagnosis
When did you discover that your dysphoria was gender related? Up until recent exploration and research I did not put two and two together. Numerous issues throughout my life could probably be contributed to this, and it seems the signs were always there. Perhaps only a psych can tell me more.
Have you been able to alleviate the symptoms? To some degree, but I've only just begun...now for the details.
Like a lot of people, I'm a product of a broken home. I was the middle child of three boys, and growing up my father always favored my older brother. Quite often my younger brother and I were left with our mother, as my father wanted nothing to do with us. As I grew up, I wasn't into sports, though I did participate in non-organized athletics in the neighborhood. What I did do though was a lot of what many would call "feminine" things for entertainment. I sewed clothes & stuffed animals, I learned latch hook, crochet, knitting and needle point. I was always first to help my mother with housework and never did dislike it (unlike my brothers). I also played make believe a lot with my stuffed animals, which I felt was normal though many perceive it as a feminine activity.
That being said, I remember a time around age 8 or 9 when my younger brother, step brother and I were playing a game that involved our privates. Nothing sexual happened, just one of those weird moments when I reflect upon that makes me go hmmmmm. Around age 13 I found my older brother's stash of porn while also becoming hooked on listening to the Dr Ruth show. It was during this time that I started masturbating and also vividly recall trying to give myself oral. However, much to my dismay I never was successful. It was during the same time frame where I started exploring my mother's and step sisters top dresser drawers. Nylons felt particularly nice, but what really felt good was the silky smooth satin panties. Some of this excited me sexually, while some of it made me feel more comfortable.
Fast forward a couple years. My dad won custody of my younger brother and I, and we were forced to live in a household that we did not want to and felt unwelcome. Running away solved nothing, and every time the courts ordered us to live with him, finally stating if we didn't stay he'd lock us away. So we stayed. Even though I was in the 10th grade, I was still going through puberty. I had no under arm hair, barely any pubic hair and my voice was just starting to change. I didn't have much real interest in girls sexually, and still enjoyed playing imaginative games with toys (GI Joe and Star Wars to be specific), often times with younger kids as they were the only ones playing with them. My neighbor once told me his dad even thought I was gay. I continued my fiendish masturbation, and even a few times tasted my sperm to "find out" what it was like. My fascination with panties also continued, as my neighbor had a sister my age and my older step sister moved back in after having a child in college. I had one serious girl friend my senior year, but never actually had sex with her, just a lot of mutual masturbation and hickeys.
I joined the military right out of high school and hated it so bad I wanted to desert, fake a suicide, or even claim to be gay just to get out. But that never happened. During this time my porn addiction flourished, as I could now legally buy it as well as obtain movies to watch. I also became hooked on reading porn, sometimes just buying a Penthouse Forum so that I could visualize the action rather than just look at pics. I also purchased a vibrator and "took" my own virginity while wearing some lingerie I acquired from my cousin's girlfriend (unbeknownst to her of course). I turned to alcohol heavily, which ironically led me to meet the woman that would take my virginity at 19 and also whom I would marry the following year.
However, our marriage hasn't exactly been perfect. In our 20+ years we've been to extensive counseling twice. To be quite honest, I was a miserable drunk (though never abusive), even turning to drugs for a time, all of which I did because something was missing in our relationship. My wife knew about my panty fetish from the start, which even led us to perform some role reversal in the bedroom on occasion. It was during moments like this that part of me knew that this was what was missing. With the advent of the internet I found many sites that dealt with forced feminization and gender swapping. Reading these stories fueled my desire to be more feminine, and this is when I started cross dressing and acting out fantasies solo and with my wife. I even was partially busted when I answered the front door when a buddy came over and asked if I was wearing eyeliner! Apparently I didn't get all of the makeup off from my dress up session earlier!
But alas life changes came about, and while we still played our bedroom games, nothing progressed in regards to my internal wants. I had a family to support, so my desires had to stay hidden. I did however still enjoy wearing my panties as much as possible. Then about six months ago something changed, and my desires resurfaced with a vengeance. Along with this I decided I needed to cure my porn addiction. So as of a month ago my wife has the keys and controls that aspect while I have taken the liberty to start expressing myself in a more feminine way.
And like a few others, I discovered this site and now well I guess I'll just see how far down this road I go!