19-01-2014, 12:53 AM
Perfect timing CK! I’ve been gathering my thoughts and writing my response for this very thread since Tuesday. Things have been changing rapidly in my world over the last couple weeks and after a long, late night conversation my wife and I had on Monday night.
First a little background about my wife. She’s like my Golden Retriever. Very loyal, very loving, very sensitive and despite my bad case of gender dysphoria, she has stayed by my side like only a real, “man’s best friend” would. She does however, have limits …or perhaps just needs time to adjust??? When my GD reached new heights in the spring of 2013, I didn't doubt her love for me but her limit was that everything must remain between her and I and if I ever decided to go through with SRS, she would have no choice but to leave me. She grew up catholic and, right or wrong, she likes things to be black and white, especially with moral issues. SRS and GD to some extent was wrong in her mind, and needed be fixed. Therefore, staying with me after SRS would create an unresolvable moral conflict for her.
A little about me so the rest of this makes sense. 3-4 years ago, out of no-where, I developed this fascination with seeing my wife with another man. I fantasized about it a lot and even talked to her seriously about it, occasionally mentioning it during sex. Of course she was repulsed by the thought on many levels and nothing ever came of it. About a week ago though, something clicked in me when I blurted out (during sex) that I wanted her to be able to enjoy a, “real man” (instead of a girl wannabe like myself). Again, I got the usual response. …But it was perplexing to me and I wondered if there was a connection between me not feeling like a man and wanting to see her with someone else. It certainly wasn't because I didn't love her dearly. It all came into focus later but hold that thought for a moment.
Now on to Monday night. It started out innocent enough. We had been getting along exceptionally well for a couple days and I was feeling loved and safe so, as you’d expect, I opened up shared a few things that were a little embarrassing. She in turn did likewise but what she was talking about didn’t have anything to do with my GD, or so I thought. To keep this from getting too long, I’ll just say that one of her vulnerable confessions was that there is a guy at work who seems to fancy her …and she confessed that she feels drawn to him also. It’s important to know that she didn’t tell me that with even the slightest inkling of excitement or curiosity. Quite the opposite. She finds it all very painful and is completely torn up by it to the point of weeping. Well, I listened not really knowing what to think, feel or say but there was one question that came to mind. It took forever for me to ask but finally I was able to ask her, “how much do you love me?” I wanted to know because we had arrived at a crossroads. Here was the moment of truth when she could choose between “GD me” or clean slate other guy. Did she only love certain things about me but still have that quitting point at SRS? Was SRS still too much for her? Or did she love me unconditionally UP TO and even through SRS if that’s what it takes for me to find peace? Well, I'm happy to say, she said she wants me …even with all my issues. And just to make absolutely certain (because it’s my indicator of the true depth of her love for me) I asked her point blank, what if I need SRS someday. And her answer was, “It wont necessarily be the end of us”. I think she sees the essence of who I am and she loves that person. I think she knows that SRS can change my body but it wont change the person I am. She didn’t give me the green light but did say, with time, she can see herself accepting it. She is open to professional transition counseling for me starting now and perhaps by the end, she might be willing to give it her stamp of approval. The ideal for both of us at the moment is that I would always be her husband and father to our kids but be free to be myself (including body modifications) under clothing and behind closed doors. Please don't misunderstand, I don't have permission from her to transition and I'm not sure I would go through with it even if I did but there is at least the possibility now where before there was none.
And with that, everything came full circle, the lights came on and it all became clear to me. Suddenly I saw the connection between my gender issues and my fantasy. I was subconsciously releasing her. I love her so much I just couldn’t hold her captive in a marriage that isn’t what she signed up for no matter how painful releasing her might be for me. I was allowing her to explore options and move on if she felt compelled but trying to be a bridge for her between what she has now and whatever waits for her at the other end. Monday night left me convinced that she isn’t crossing the bridge and is furthermore, very content to remain in this side come whatever may. Sadly, you don’t have to visit this forum very often to know that GD is or can be very poisonous to a relationship. There’s no way that I could begin to explain how thankful I am or how aware of being blessed I am by the love (true love) I have from and for my wife. It’s truly amazing to saw the least! So to answer your question CK, does my significant other accept me? Yes! Absolutely. And she loves me too. Now I need to go find a tissue…
First a little background about my wife. She’s like my Golden Retriever. Very loyal, very loving, very sensitive and despite my bad case of gender dysphoria, she has stayed by my side like only a real, “man’s best friend” would. She does however, have limits …or perhaps just needs time to adjust??? When my GD reached new heights in the spring of 2013, I didn't doubt her love for me but her limit was that everything must remain between her and I and if I ever decided to go through with SRS, she would have no choice but to leave me. She grew up catholic and, right or wrong, she likes things to be black and white, especially with moral issues. SRS and GD to some extent was wrong in her mind, and needed be fixed. Therefore, staying with me after SRS would create an unresolvable moral conflict for her.
A little about me so the rest of this makes sense. 3-4 years ago, out of no-where, I developed this fascination with seeing my wife with another man. I fantasized about it a lot and even talked to her seriously about it, occasionally mentioning it during sex. Of course she was repulsed by the thought on many levels and nothing ever came of it. About a week ago though, something clicked in me when I blurted out (during sex) that I wanted her to be able to enjoy a, “real man” (instead of a girl wannabe like myself). Again, I got the usual response. …But it was perplexing to me and I wondered if there was a connection between me not feeling like a man and wanting to see her with someone else. It certainly wasn't because I didn't love her dearly. It all came into focus later but hold that thought for a moment.
Now on to Monday night. It started out innocent enough. We had been getting along exceptionally well for a couple days and I was feeling loved and safe so, as you’d expect, I opened up shared a few things that were a little embarrassing. She in turn did likewise but what she was talking about didn’t have anything to do with my GD, or so I thought. To keep this from getting too long, I’ll just say that one of her vulnerable confessions was that there is a guy at work who seems to fancy her …and she confessed that she feels drawn to him also. It’s important to know that she didn’t tell me that with even the slightest inkling of excitement or curiosity. Quite the opposite. She finds it all very painful and is completely torn up by it to the point of weeping. Well, I listened not really knowing what to think, feel or say but there was one question that came to mind. It took forever for me to ask but finally I was able to ask her, “how much do you love me?” I wanted to know because we had arrived at a crossroads. Here was the moment of truth when she could choose between “GD me” or clean slate other guy. Did she only love certain things about me but still have that quitting point at SRS? Was SRS still too much for her? Or did she love me unconditionally UP TO and even through SRS if that’s what it takes for me to find peace? Well, I'm happy to say, she said she wants me …even with all my issues. And just to make absolutely certain (because it’s my indicator of the true depth of her love for me) I asked her point blank, what if I need SRS someday. And her answer was, “It wont necessarily be the end of us”. I think she sees the essence of who I am and she loves that person. I think she knows that SRS can change my body but it wont change the person I am. She didn’t give me the green light but did say, with time, she can see herself accepting it. She is open to professional transition counseling for me starting now and perhaps by the end, she might be willing to give it her stamp of approval. The ideal for both of us at the moment is that I would always be her husband and father to our kids but be free to be myself (including body modifications) under clothing and behind closed doors. Please don't misunderstand, I don't have permission from her to transition and I'm not sure I would go through with it even if I did but there is at least the possibility now where before there was none.
And with that, everything came full circle, the lights came on and it all became clear to me. Suddenly I saw the connection between my gender issues and my fantasy. I was subconsciously releasing her. I love her so much I just couldn’t hold her captive in a marriage that isn’t what she signed up for no matter how painful releasing her might be for me. I was allowing her to explore options and move on if she felt compelled but trying to be a bridge for her between what she has now and whatever waits for her at the other end. Monday night left me convinced that she isn’t crossing the bridge and is furthermore, very content to remain in this side come whatever may. Sadly, you don’t have to visit this forum very often to know that GD is or can be very poisonous to a relationship. There’s no way that I could begin to explain how thankful I am or how aware of being blessed I am by the love (true love) I have from and for my wife. It’s truly amazing to saw the least! So to answer your question CK, does my significant other accept me? Yes! Absolutely. And she loves me too. Now I need to go find a tissue…