[GoneGirl]

I'll be as honest as possible. My desire of transition is driven by autogynephilia (agp). This fetish is so incredibly strong that over time made me develop the desire to have female body. Just like normal men fall in love with a women, I 'fall in love' with my female self. PM work so well in term of feminizing, although I had ffs surgery as well. While I'm somewhat happy with my new looks, unfortunately transition does not solve my relationship issue. It probably little bit worse now since libido is lower. Before all this, I had a relationship with a women but it doesn't work out. The reason is because she found out my crossdressing and she hate it very much. Another reason is she is a normal sexual woman. I could not provide her that. Normal sex for me is awkward. I don't know if its because the agp eclipse my normal sexuality or whether I have normal sexuality at all.

Autogynephilia is categorized as a 'transvestic disorder' in DSM-V. It means that one is sexually aroused by the thought or image of oneself as female. So, as you say, it's a fetish, and you're a pervert. Nice!

I, too, considered myself AGP. I wasn't aroused by the natural instinct to mount and penetrate a woman. I wanted to be mounted and penetrated, but not by a man -- I was attracted to women. The frustration of not being able to experience sexual release as a woman, led me to fantasize about being a woman with the help of pornographic literature and visual images of various kinds that would enhance the fantasy. I didn't crossdress much for practical reasons.

When I started taking daily doses of PM, all desire to fantasize that way disappeared over a two week period. Gone! I began to understand that I had a rather strong female gender identity buried in my subconscious. It was starving for estrogen. My AGP was all based on testosterone toxicity (google Dr. Anne Vitale).

I reject the term autogynephilia. I use the word 'crossdreamer', coined by Jack Molay, whenever a label is needed to slap on myself. It's a transgender condition that arises from a mixed or bi-gender identity.

Does it mess up your relationships with women. Damn straight it does, and there's nothing that can be done about it. There is no cure. It is NOT a fetish!

Finding a sexually compatible partner is going to be very difficult. Ideally, people like me want to find an 'autoandrophiliac', i.e., a heterosexual woman who fantasizes about being a man. In other words, a crossdreamer like me is a male lesbian whose ideal partner is a female who fancies herself a gay male top (a.k.a a 'girlfag'). Simple, huh?

Believe me, I feel for your plight, interbingung.
CK