13-01-2014, 02:00 AM
Well, I bet this is the last thread any of you thought I’d comment on but I’ve been thinking about something for a while now and it’s very appropriate to mention it here. I’ve struggled with my sexuality for most of my life and especially since I got married 20 years ago (big surprise huh?).
My desire for sex is literally only skin deep. Occasionally my “body” wants intercourse but the rest of me, the essence of who I am, is utterly repulsed by the desire and especially the act because it puts me in role that I despise. I don’t want to be driven to have sex. I don’t want to be the pursuer. I don’t want primal physical gratification. I don’t want to be the strong one. I want intimacy, I want to be sought after, I want to be alluring and desired. I want to be loved and held and protected and weak and submissive. …So imagine my discomfort when I have to be the opposite of all those things. I find myself hoping that my wife is quickly satisfied so it can be done and over with. I want her to be happy and fulfilled but I dread the thought of having to perform in that role for her. My recent epiphany is that, THAT is what has probably caused so much sexual dysfunction in our marriage! We both wanted to play the role of the female which was appropriate for my wife but she didn’t understand my need and I sublimely hated having to play the part of the male – it was painful for both of us. She wanted me to pursue her but doing so forced me into that dreaded role of being masculine. I didn’t understand what was going on at the time but now it makes perfect sense. I knew I wanted to be female but did everything in my power to suppress it and was largely unaware of the coping mechanisms I was using to get though life trying to be the “man” I was “Supposed” to be. It just hit me within the last couple weeks that the real me, the feminine me, hates having to be the guy in bed! I used to be able to manage somehow, perhaps because I had a stronger sex drive than I do now, thanks to the herbs but lately I can barely do “it” emotionally anymore. I love, and much prefer the intimacy but am always fearful that I’ll have to “be the man” for her. Thankfully, the last few times we have been caught up together emotionally and were on the verge of physical intercourse we have been content to stop at that point. A few months ago, I said I wanted to have sex like lesbians and since then, we refer to non penetrative sex as lesbian sex and she actually asks for “lesbian sex” once in a while. It’s a huge weight off my shoulders and I’m very lucky she enjoys it probably as much as the heterosexual variety.
My desire for sex is literally only skin deep. Occasionally my “body” wants intercourse but the rest of me, the essence of who I am, is utterly repulsed by the desire and especially the act because it puts me in role that I despise. I don’t want to be driven to have sex. I don’t want to be the pursuer. I don’t want primal physical gratification. I don’t want to be the strong one. I want intimacy, I want to be sought after, I want to be alluring and desired. I want to be loved and held and protected and weak and submissive. …So imagine my discomfort when I have to be the opposite of all those things. I find myself hoping that my wife is quickly satisfied so it can be done and over with. I want her to be happy and fulfilled but I dread the thought of having to perform in that role for her. My recent epiphany is that, THAT is what has probably caused so much sexual dysfunction in our marriage! We both wanted to play the role of the female which was appropriate for my wife but she didn’t understand my need and I sublimely hated having to play the part of the male – it was painful for both of us. She wanted me to pursue her but doing so forced me into that dreaded role of being masculine. I didn’t understand what was going on at the time but now it makes perfect sense. I knew I wanted to be female but did everything in my power to suppress it and was largely unaware of the coping mechanisms I was using to get though life trying to be the “man” I was “Supposed” to be. It just hit me within the last couple weeks that the real me, the feminine me, hates having to be the guy in bed! I used to be able to manage somehow, perhaps because I had a stronger sex drive than I do now, thanks to the herbs but lately I can barely do “it” emotionally anymore. I love, and much prefer the intimacy but am always fearful that I’ll have to “be the man” for her. Thankfully, the last few times we have been caught up together emotionally and were on the verge of physical intercourse we have been content to stop at that point. A few months ago, I said I wanted to have sex like lesbians and since then, we refer to non penetrative sex as lesbian sex and she actually asks for “lesbian sex” once in a while. It’s a huge weight off my shoulders and I’m very lucky she enjoys it probably as much as the heterosexual variety.