[GoneGirl]

...I struggle with wanting to be an attractive woman but there's this unavoidable line in the sand that I know I can't cross. ...I may find myself drifting across it almost unwillingly. My hope is that someday I'm able to appear female or male by the clothing I choose so if I'm ever mistaken for a woman, I think I will bust out in tears on the spot having been validated as a female by a stranger. It would be a dream come true but I'm just not sure it could ever happen. ...A little online therapy going on here for me.

It's been really tough for me here in Nashville the last several days. We always go out in the evenings to relax and this is the kind of environment where everyone looks nice (especially the GG's) every night of the week. It kills me inside to be around them and not be able to BE ONE of them. ...I just want to curl up in the corner and cry.

Doodle, I can understand your feelings perfectly. My only advantage over you is that I've got fewer years ahead of me to suffer. On the other hand, you have the advantage over me that you're young enough to carry off a full transition if it becomes necessary. Oh, yeah, maybe you wouldn't look like the girl of your crossdreams, but with a little work, I bet you'd make a damn good looking dame.

My wife and I were talking recently about how our lives would be different today if I had 'discovered' my deeply suppressed female gender back when we first started dating (I was 32 years old then). I had all the classic symptoms of a full blown crossdreamer (e.g., wanting to take the female role in bed). How do you act like a real man if you've got the innards of a woman?

She stuck with me, thankfully, but "What if I had wanted to transition to living as a woman back then?" I asked. "Would you have stuck with me?" Even she couldn't answer that question. She could only say that she would hope so.

We have a good relationship. In so many ways we are one. I guess that's as close to true femininity as I'll ever get.

CK