[GoneGirl]

Thank you CK!!

Thanks for sharing your experience and thanks for the advice.

I worry about the marriage. I feel like I am not sure of my own identity right now. That makes it hard for me to even know what to share with her. I know I have to explore a feminine side that I have always had. I have an increasing need to dress feminine. I feel a need to attempt to make myself more desirable to men (through dressing and make-up and having breasts. I even have a desire to please a man if he wishes. But I have a desire to please a woman if she desires as well. I do not have what I would call attractions to men's looks. Maybe I am bisexual while needing to be feminine. I don't know. If I get myself clear, I will know better how or if to share with her.

Thanks again,

Lisa

Lisa Raye,
I hear you. Discovering my true identity after years of having suppressed my female subconscious is an on-going process for me, too. It can be a terrifying journey.

I understand what you mean when you say that you "have a desire to please a man". But, that doesn't necessarily mean you are gay or even bisexual. It's quite common for straight male crossdreamers to imagine themselves being penetrated by a faceless male. Is it the man you are attracted to, or the idea of experiencing sex as a woman? For me it's the latter. I think it's because I have a submissive nature when it comes to sex.

Surprisingly, for me anyway, after starting the PM, those fantasies largely disappeared. It's almost like my starving female identity was crying out for expression in ways that were disturbing to me at a conscious level. That's the best explanation I've been able to come up with. Under the hormonal influence of PM, all that has gone away. It's like now that I can act out certain feminine inclinations for real, the previous obsessive behaviors and preoccupation with sexual thoughts has no meaning for me anymore. For me, that has been huge.

I have to say, though, that if my wife wasn't supportive, if I had to hide my crossdressing and growing breasts, if I couldn't shave my body, if I had to keep trying to play the male role in the bedroom, if I had to continue to deal with the shame and guilt that accompanies the deception, I don't know that I would have achieved mental peace or improved the quality of my marital relationship as I have.

I wish you luck on your quest for self-discovery. Take it slow, read as much as you can about gender identity and the dysphoria that accompanies its being suppressed. I personally found that reading Jack Molay's blog about crossdreaming very helpful.

If you do come out to your wife someday, it's important that you have the confidence that comes with knowledge of your condition and how best to deal with it.

I hope my perspective is of some help. I really feel for what you are going through. I do believe there is peace of mind to be had. It just takes time.

Hugs,

CK