18-12-2013, 02:16 AM
Alright, here goes..
Thank you for the responses. It was a long time coming by me joining and posting anything. I appreciate the kind words.
I don't know exactly what I'm wanting. Of course I'm extremely confused. I am married with kids, and my wife knows everything. She is very loving and accepting of me, but she questions my motives a lot. I dress behind closed doors and have for as long as I remember. I want to say it was before puberty, but I'm not quite sure. The age 12 is the first time I remember dressing. As a teenager, I would grab a sweatshirt I had in my closet and make a makeshift bra out of it. I was in a house full of guys, (my mom being the only girl).
As for what I'm looking to get out of this.. A sense of peace. I'm on ADHD meds to help with focus at work, and am HOPING to stop taking them forever once the brain rewiring kicks in.. If it does. I have been thinking lately that it's not ADHD that I have. I am not the guy that's all over the place or jumpy.. I just cannot concentrate on a job for any amount of time, which would just exhaust me mentally. The ADHD meds allow me to stay focused all day without a hint of boredom.
I want to be a calmer person, I get excited thinking I could lower my testosterone. I have never had my hormone levels tested, but I'm assuming I'm pretty average or above average in the testosterone department. I am not worried about losing ability to reproduce, I'm hoping my vasectomy took care of that. Size wise, not worried about shrinkage or lack of interest. I'd prefer both. I'd love to be able to not think about sex all the time.
I think having breasts would be amazing. However, society makes me nervous, but of course not enough to sway my decision. My wife told me that if I had a medical condition that made me grow breasts, she'd be fine with it. But if I took something to grow them, she wouldn't be happy. I think the possible benefits far outweigh that. They could potentially bring some excitement to our personal life. And, I pray with time she will agree.
I know I can't sit here and complain, but I really wish my wife were a bit more open. I know if the tables were turned, she's already gone far and above what I'd want to have to accept in a partner. However, she was the first person I explained my deep dark secret to and sadly I don't feel like we can enjoy them together. Understandably.. But I feel alone.
I have absolutely no interest in guys, nor did I ever in the past. Women are beautiful creatures. I am so in love with my wife, which is a great deal why it took me so long to act on anything. I would be completely lost without that woman. She is amazing and amazingly beautiful. She asked me once if I wanted SRS, I told her no. In this lifetime, no I don't. If it were a different life and I had the choice to be born the opposite sex, there'd be no question about it. However, I suppressed my feelings about dressing up and pursuing any sort of medications to keep my wife comfortable. Ideally, dressing up every day would be awesome and fulfilling, I just don't want to hurt her. She is very self conscious with her body, even though I cannot believe I landed a catch like her. She says when I dress up, I take her place as the girl and she gets jealous. I don't play the part, I just wear the clothes. I don't know how to prove to her my intentions, but I think I'm asking for too much from her as it is.
When I decided to try PM, I considered hiding it from her because I was scared she'd disapprove and I'd be crushed. I should have consulted with her first, but I ordered my PM then sent her the link from work so I didn't have to see her reaction.. If I could go back now, I would have had a long talk about it beforehand. I know this is a NBE forum, but I already took the first step in this forum, figured I'd take another. Thanks for listening.
Thank you for the responses. It was a long time coming by me joining and posting anything. I appreciate the kind words.
I don't know exactly what I'm wanting. Of course I'm extremely confused. I am married with kids, and my wife knows everything. She is very loving and accepting of me, but she questions my motives a lot. I dress behind closed doors and have for as long as I remember. I want to say it was before puberty, but I'm not quite sure. The age 12 is the first time I remember dressing. As a teenager, I would grab a sweatshirt I had in my closet and make a makeshift bra out of it. I was in a house full of guys, (my mom being the only girl).
As for what I'm looking to get out of this.. A sense of peace. I'm on ADHD meds to help with focus at work, and am HOPING to stop taking them forever once the brain rewiring kicks in.. If it does. I have been thinking lately that it's not ADHD that I have. I am not the guy that's all over the place or jumpy.. I just cannot concentrate on a job for any amount of time, which would just exhaust me mentally. The ADHD meds allow me to stay focused all day without a hint of boredom.
I want to be a calmer person, I get excited thinking I could lower my testosterone. I have never had my hormone levels tested, but I'm assuming I'm pretty average or above average in the testosterone department. I am not worried about losing ability to reproduce, I'm hoping my vasectomy took care of that. Size wise, not worried about shrinkage or lack of interest. I'd prefer both. I'd love to be able to not think about sex all the time.
I think having breasts would be amazing. However, society makes me nervous, but of course not enough to sway my decision. My wife told me that if I had a medical condition that made me grow breasts, she'd be fine with it. But if I took something to grow them, she wouldn't be happy. I think the possible benefits far outweigh that. They could potentially bring some excitement to our personal life. And, I pray with time she will agree.
I know I can't sit here and complain, but I really wish my wife were a bit more open. I know if the tables were turned, she's already gone far and above what I'd want to have to accept in a partner. However, she was the first person I explained my deep dark secret to and sadly I don't feel like we can enjoy them together. Understandably.. But I feel alone.
I have absolutely no interest in guys, nor did I ever in the past. Women are beautiful creatures. I am so in love with my wife, which is a great deal why it took me so long to act on anything. I would be completely lost without that woman. She is amazing and amazingly beautiful. She asked me once if I wanted SRS, I told her no. In this lifetime, no I don't. If it were a different life and I had the choice to be born the opposite sex, there'd be no question about it. However, I suppressed my feelings about dressing up and pursuing any sort of medications to keep my wife comfortable. Ideally, dressing up every day would be awesome and fulfilling, I just don't want to hurt her. She is very self conscious with her body, even though I cannot believe I landed a catch like her. She says when I dress up, I take her place as the girl and she gets jealous. I don't play the part, I just wear the clothes. I don't know how to prove to her my intentions, but I think I'm asking for too much from her as it is.
When I decided to try PM, I considered hiding it from her because I was scared she'd disapprove and I'd be crushed. I should have consulted with her first, but I ordered my PM then sent her the link from work so I didn't have to see her reaction.. If I could go back now, I would have had a long talk about it beforehand. I know this is a NBE forum, but I already took the first step in this forum, figured I'd take another. Thanks for listening.