07-11-2012, 04:15 AM
No problem, I know it helps to talk, this is what we are here for girl.
It's common to feel scared and have doubts, if you aren't dealing with that you aren't being reasonable or honest to yourself. The first thing my therapist told me is that "It's OK to be myself", that is the first step.
Ignore the labels, ignore the "groups", ignore categories, everyone is different! You are YOU, and that might be different to everyone else and that is OK.
I know it might sound cliche, but this is a surprisingly difficult thing to grasp for someone in anxiety/depressive ruminations, at least was for me.
I stopped trying to put labels on myself, stopped trying to validate my feelings with pre-conceptions of "acceptable" circumstances. Then I could finally explore my feelings for what they were.
Not everyone has serious depression to the point of suicide before transition, many cases, even early onset cases, they just don't feel "whole" and want it badly.
The backwards practices of 70s and 80s are long gone, no longer do they "stereotype" transsexualism and have a simple Yes/No for GRS/SRS.
GID assessment is a self discovery process these days, often involving part-time real life experience and HRT as a means to alleviate gender dysphoria. Some people want to only be androgynous, and that is an acceptable goal of HRT, as long as it alleviates the persons gender dysphoria, no one will judge. You don't need to want GRS/SRS to be trans, for example, I don't want it, I have never been seriously dysphoric about my penis. This is not unusual and doesn't make you "weird". Often trans girls aren't dysphoric about it up front, since it's not "publically presented" but it becomes an issue when wanting to have relationships with men. And some people don't ever have a problem with it and want to always retain some kind of functionality, this is perfectly normal too and not that uncommon.
Gender expression and identity is not black and white, it's easy for us to want to make such a "binary" definition of it, this is human nature. The reality is that gender identity is a scale with varying degrees. The hardest thing is to avoid gender stereotypes when making self assessment, there are women who love sports, and there are men who love ballet, etc.
It's not about what you do but it's about who you want to be and how you perceive yourself so you can live a happy and fulfilled life.
There is no such thing as "too late" to transition, I have seen many extremely successful transition cases in mid-life, but it does become harder from a social point of view.
This is something I can relate to, having doubts is perfectly normal, it's a scary life changing decision and it's not a race, it's just about when you feel right to transition.
My greatest fear is simply coming out to my family, I've been very distressed and suffering from anxiety ever since I decided to start my transition first with PM/SP. Now I have occasional "why am I putting myself through this?" sort of thoughts when I'm not ruminating on my dysphoria. The inevitable answer is "because this is something I want, and I accept the risks". The fear of losing family, having work and social problems and sometimes I fear just having a hard time "passing" and then hating myself for it. (Despite this being a simple paranoia, most trans girls pass easily with only HRT)
The reality is that transition should always be taken very gradually, one step at a time. Therapy, hormones, real life experience, coming out, it's all a journey, not a race.
But from what I've heard/read, these feelings are perfectly normal, we aren't machines, self doubt and fear is a common part of any major life decision. There is something I was taught when I was younger that I believe applies here:
"Only a certainty can replace a certainty."
Also HRT or PM/SP regime is not completely irreversible, while surgery would be required to remove breast tissue, all of the other changes are reversible. Sterility isn't permanent for everyone and depends on your dosage/age, there are cases that someone stopped HRT later in life and regained normal reproductive function. But that is probably the single most important medical consideration, how important is sterility to you? Either way, it's best to sperm bank just in case.
Anyway, these questions and doubts are things you need to discuss with a trained therapist, dialogue is a very important. At the end, it's a decision only you can make, a therapist will never judge or guide your decision, they will just help you to talk about it.
Coming out to people can be a very rewarding and liberating experience, even if it's just to a professional, it will help alleviate the daunting feelings of loneliness and anxiety.
I hope this helps!
It's common to feel scared and have doubts, if you aren't dealing with that you aren't being reasonable or honest to yourself. The first thing my therapist told me is that "It's OK to be myself", that is the first step.
Ignore the labels, ignore the "groups", ignore categories, everyone is different! You are YOU, and that might be different to everyone else and that is OK.
I know it might sound cliche, but this is a surprisingly difficult thing to grasp for someone in anxiety/depressive ruminations, at least was for me.
I stopped trying to put labels on myself, stopped trying to validate my feelings with pre-conceptions of "acceptable" circumstances. Then I could finally explore my feelings for what they were.
Not everyone has serious depression to the point of suicide before transition, many cases, even early onset cases, they just don't feel "whole" and want it badly.
The backwards practices of 70s and 80s are long gone, no longer do they "stereotype" transsexualism and have a simple Yes/No for GRS/SRS.
GID assessment is a self discovery process these days, often involving part-time real life experience and HRT as a means to alleviate gender dysphoria. Some people want to only be androgynous, and that is an acceptable goal of HRT, as long as it alleviates the persons gender dysphoria, no one will judge. You don't need to want GRS/SRS to be trans, for example, I don't want it, I have never been seriously dysphoric about my penis. This is not unusual and doesn't make you "weird". Often trans girls aren't dysphoric about it up front, since it's not "publically presented" but it becomes an issue when wanting to have relationships with men. And some people don't ever have a problem with it and want to always retain some kind of functionality, this is perfectly normal too and not that uncommon.
Gender expression and identity is not black and white, it's easy for us to want to make such a "binary" definition of it, this is human nature. The reality is that gender identity is a scale with varying degrees. The hardest thing is to avoid gender stereotypes when making self assessment, there are women who love sports, and there are men who love ballet, etc.
It's not about what you do but it's about who you want to be and how you perceive yourself so you can live a happy and fulfilled life.
There is no such thing as "too late" to transition, I have seen many extremely successful transition cases in mid-life, but it does become harder from a social point of view.
This is something I can relate to, having doubts is perfectly normal, it's a scary life changing decision and it's not a race, it's just about when you feel right to transition.
My greatest fear is simply coming out to my family, I've been very distressed and suffering from anxiety ever since I decided to start my transition first with PM/SP. Now I have occasional "why am I putting myself through this?" sort of thoughts when I'm not ruminating on my dysphoria. The inevitable answer is "because this is something I want, and I accept the risks". The fear of losing family, having work and social problems and sometimes I fear just having a hard time "passing" and then hating myself for it. (Despite this being a simple paranoia, most trans girls pass easily with only HRT)
The reality is that transition should always be taken very gradually, one step at a time. Therapy, hormones, real life experience, coming out, it's all a journey, not a race.
But from what I've heard/read, these feelings are perfectly normal, we aren't machines, self doubt and fear is a common part of any major life decision. There is something I was taught when I was younger that I believe applies here:
"Only a certainty can replace a certainty."
Also HRT or PM/SP regime is not completely irreversible, while surgery would be required to remove breast tissue, all of the other changes are reversible. Sterility isn't permanent for everyone and depends on your dosage/age, there are cases that someone stopped HRT later in life and regained normal reproductive function. But that is probably the single most important medical consideration, how important is sterility to you? Either way, it's best to sperm bank just in case.
Anyway, these questions and doubts are things you need to discuss with a trained therapist, dialogue is a very important. At the end, it's a decision only you can make, a therapist will never judge or guide your decision, they will just help you to talk about it.
Coming out to people can be a very rewarding and liberating experience, even if it's just to a professional, it will help alleviate the daunting feelings of loneliness and anxiety.
I hope this helps!