06-12-2011, 09:03 PM
I've been wondering why I'm the only person on this forum, as far as I know, who gets the deep, profound calming experience that Chrissie used to talk about.
I can't dismiss what Dr Vitale says about the use of this for testing a transsexual brain.
I think what I and Chrissie have in common is our age and relative cultural point. We were both brought up in the 60's when men were men and women were women. Any man acting girly was the recipient of all kinds of names - "fairy", "poof", "pansy" (sorry, Pansy-Mae!)
Things lightened up a lot in the 70's but by then the guilt was well and truly imbued in the subconscious.
I didn't know why I was different; all you could get in those days were library books. Even the groundbreaking book by Dr David Delvin,
"All you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask" only made me think that I was a transvestite, who for one reason or another could only be satisfied if wearing female clothing, and it was lumped in with a whole host of fetishes including bestiality.
As a result, a lot of repression happened, and I think this is the key point to the "Gender Anxiety" that Vitale referred to.
The whole of my adult married life with kids, I felt that I was somehow balancing on a knife edge. I used to throw myself into work, staying late and missing a good part of my children's most enjoyable years, so as to keep busy.
Now that I'm semi-retired, the extra time on my hands meant that I could worry about the state of the world, my kids' future, all sorts of worries.
I was really quite screwed up. PM completely unlocked all that.
I still remember when it first happened. I was actually in the shower, and it was as though I suddenly woke up. Like I was dreaming that I was awake, and then I really was awake.
All of the anxieties that I now know I had subverted from their real cause, not being a female, cascaded off me like rain off of an umbrella.
I can't explain it any better than to say: I felt like I was reborn.
(If born-again Christians have a similar experience, I can see why they get so excited.)
So, what I'm getting to, is my alternative theory:
Maybe those of you who have not had this degree of relief have obtained it in other ways, more gradually.
It sounds to me like most of you have had substantial opportunity to cross-dress. Maybe this is why chemical feminisation isn't quite such a big deal, so instead of a deep calming reaction, you just feel more contented within yourselves.
My wife, being the same age as me, desperately wanted to keep it a secret ("embarrassment", "shame", "don't let the children find out"), so, once the kids got old enough to stay up as late, if not later than us, opportunities dwindled to a figure just a little bit bigger than zero, and have been that way for the last 15 or so years.
So, not having had any release outside of the 5 minute fantasy, maybe I was just a tad more screwed up with consequently more to gain by my use of PM?
As ever, just a theory.
B.
I can't dismiss what Dr Vitale says about the use of this for testing a transsexual brain.
I think what I and Chrissie have in common is our age and relative cultural point. We were both brought up in the 60's when men were men and women were women. Any man acting girly was the recipient of all kinds of names - "fairy", "poof", "pansy" (sorry, Pansy-Mae!)
Things lightened up a lot in the 70's but by then the guilt was well and truly imbued in the subconscious.
I didn't know why I was different; all you could get in those days were library books. Even the groundbreaking book by Dr David Delvin,
"All you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask" only made me think that I was a transvestite, who for one reason or another could only be satisfied if wearing female clothing, and it was lumped in with a whole host of fetishes including bestiality.
As a result, a lot of repression happened, and I think this is the key point to the "Gender Anxiety" that Vitale referred to.
The whole of my adult married life with kids, I felt that I was somehow balancing on a knife edge. I used to throw myself into work, staying late and missing a good part of my children's most enjoyable years, so as to keep busy.
Now that I'm semi-retired, the extra time on my hands meant that I could worry about the state of the world, my kids' future, all sorts of worries.
I was really quite screwed up. PM completely unlocked all that.
I still remember when it first happened. I was actually in the shower, and it was as though I suddenly woke up. Like I was dreaming that I was awake, and then I really was awake.
All of the anxieties that I now know I had subverted from their real cause, not being a female, cascaded off me like rain off of an umbrella.
I can't explain it any better than to say: I felt like I was reborn.
(If born-again Christians have a similar experience, I can see why they get so excited.)
So, what I'm getting to, is my alternative theory:
Maybe those of you who have not had this degree of relief have obtained it in other ways, more gradually.
It sounds to me like most of you have had substantial opportunity to cross-dress. Maybe this is why chemical feminisation isn't quite such a big deal, so instead of a deep calming reaction, you just feel more contented within yourselves.
My wife, being the same age as me, desperately wanted to keep it a secret ("embarrassment", "shame", "don't let the children find out"), so, once the kids got old enough to stay up as late, if not later than us, opportunities dwindled to a figure just a little bit bigger than zero, and have been that way for the last 15 or so years.
So, not having had any release outside of the 5 minute fantasy, maybe I was just a tad more screwed up with consequently more to gain by my use of PM?
As ever, just a theory.
B.