[bryony]

Hi,

you may have seen my earlier posts regarding stiffness/aching/spasms around the kidneys? I've worked hard to find a dose that I can tolerate for the simple reason that, without a regular dose of PM, I revert to the state I was in before I discovered it: anxious, catastrophising, depressed about the state of the world, and obsessing about TV/TS fantasies.

I also used to lose patience when talking with family members if we disagreed on what I considered to be "irrational" or "illogical" reasons.

PM has changed all that. I honestly feel a much better person now, and I dread not getting a regular dose. This last weekend, I took hardly any, as we were visiting my daughter and it was tricky. When we returned, I got into a stupid argument about how big a block of cheese we should be buying!! All very logical, but daft! When I told my wife that I thought it might have been due to coming off PM, she reckoned it was withdrawal symptoms...

Both my wife and son (who still lives with us) have noticed how much more cheerful and happy I am (though he doesn't know why yet).

I realise that this isn't the same as becoming more emotional, but I was already there, I think - I've always cried at poignant stories on screen or in books as much or more so than my wife. The point is that PM has made a huge difference to my mental state, from a borderline depressive to someone much more well-balanced.

So what am I leading up to? I think that probably I am a TS at heart too, but I don't think I'll ever be able to go far enough. I love my family so much I would hate to do anything that would seriously upset them. They know and love my face as it is (if only I'd shaved off my god-damned beard the day before I met my wife) and they would be terribly upset just to see me clean-shaven, let alone with FFS (which is what I would really want).

The changes in my breasts are absolutely thrilling, but at the same time very scary, because sooner or later I will have to come up with a story! (I'm thinking late-onset gynaecomastia :-D )

Luckily I work at a place that has a trans support policy, so I'm not in danger of losing my job when things become more prominent.

I suppose I could go to a maintenance dose if they start to become obvious, but I don't know if I'd be able to deliberately stop if further growth was possible.

Unfortunately, my life has always run tactically, not strategically...
a series of bridges crossed as they are met...

Bryony x