[sfem]

I'm always a bit hesitant to support new theories, but I have to say I really think there is something to this one.

I know that my desire to cross-dress and present as feminine in any way went way down not too long after starting on PM. I seldom wear anything particularly female-oriented anymore, just once in a while when I am in the mood, I may wear a tank top or something like that. This effect didn't happen so much on the mix of FG, SP, Fennel, etc. I am tempted to believe the weaker herbs simply didn't have the effect that the PM did. Despite the physical changes which happened, I found I had less desire to show what I now had. I wasn't ashamed or guilty or anything, just not feeling like I needed to show anything. I was happy with the changes, and felt it was private to me.

In any case, the last time I stopped taking PM for a few weeks, my desire to dress and my sexual urges increased. I became most easily irritated and quicker to anger. I was more sensitive to whether anybody was looking at me, and less happy with what I felt they saw. Not that I wanted them to see me as more masculine. It's hard to describe. To say the least, it was somewhat contradictory and confusing and annoying in my head. I still didn't want to be female. But I wasn't happy with what I was. Silly, but there it is. And I have to say that until I sat down to write this post, I hadn't given this much thought to what had happened. I guess I'm more screwy than I had thought myself to be.

I do find the description "partial fem male brain" to be annoying somehow. I'm fairly sure we'll never gain real insight into this condition until we stop trying to identify every aspect of this as being fem or male, and start recognizing that a human isn't that discrete or quantifiable. Using a label with both fem and male in it suggests the label creator has trouble dealing with not being one or the other. To those who feel uncomfortable without a label to give themselves, try to move beyond self-classification. It's a gas. I like the old saw about how putting down "human" for race on forms really upsets the form writers.

I've been off PM (and taking only blood pressure pills and vitamin C now) for a few days. I am once again finding myself much quicker to anger and easily irritated. I am sleeping better but I don't feel more rested or energetic. My blood pressure has started to drop a bit, although not enough to stop with my blood pressure pills. Perhaps there is some raising of BP with PM, but it doesn't seem to be very much. My nipples have lost some sensitivity in the last day or so, and I don't feel any sensitivity to pressure on the boob, like when lying on my stomach in bed. No, I won't try hitting it with a door to test how that is now. I bet it would still hurt. Oh, and I've found myself wanting to wear one of my pushup bras enough that I spent most of yesterday wearing it and today looks about the same. So that's where it is at so far. Not liking it, but I will give this an honest go. I don't think I am craving the PM, or physically suffering for its lack. Just less happy.

I've been composing and re-composing this for about 2 hours now. Time to push post and do something else with my day. Grr. The sacrifices we make....