[Heaven's Night]

Heavens Night, first off let me say that you have an AMAZING pair of breasts, and as much as I admire them, not sure I am going that big.....but Honey...you are an inspiration to be sure. And you are a beautiful woman.  I can only hope that my transition will be as successful.

Now, what's more important......is it cheating to say that they are as equally important to me?  I honestly can't exist without my best friend and soulmate AND I do not want to stop my transition.....I can't pick one over the other.  NEUTRALITY I know.....not an answer I know.  But it is exactly how I feel. I feel there is a glimmer of hope as she does appear to, at least, not be put off by what little growth I have and the fact that my nipples are somewhat sensitive (again, she says she does it for me because it brings me pleasure......sorry for the big share....don't mean to offend or get R rated..lol!) And she calls me beautiful (for a man) which, wow, does something to hear that.....a small bit of emotional validation. The problem is that she was emphatically clear 2 years ago when I cameout to her, that she could not accept it and she was not a lesbian ( a valid point, however, at this pont in my life I am not planning to have any bottom surgery, which I don't think will make any difference to her as if , in her eyes at least, I am 99% woman with male genitalia). I can obviously justify in my own mind, me being a trans woman with a penis, as I want to still be intimate with her but can she transition to that reality. That is the $64,000 question.

Here is the kicker,  I am and always have been family-centric, yet, the only person that I fully care about accepting me ( I do care about the rest of the family), the only one I can't live without is my wife. OH, MY, MY ,MY.....what to do...what to do.

As I reread all this, it strikes me that this is somewhat of a rhetorical post, as there really isn't any answer other than what I choose to do.

Thank you.

Obviously you don't want to choose. Hell I didn't either, I lost a ton of friends, but all those who truly mattered have stayed. You might need a lot of time to process the whole thing. And I suggest you start to talk to your wife about it, kids too. Everybody close to you MUST face it if you transition, there's no other way, they must face it and learn to accept it. Good news is, most poeple can once they learn what its about and what happens when a loved one transitions. Its far less complicated than people make it seem like, mostly its just external to all others and having to deal with new name/pronouns etc., but that's all just the surface part of the social transition THEY must do along with us.

About staying non op, many do that by choise these days, but even more stay non op due to prohibitive costs. I wish it would be only a question of needs, but mostly its always about money. For me bottom surgery is a do or die question, and right now it seems I'm getting to the finishline faster than anticipated.

I would suggest you start to talk with your wife about this, at least make sure she knows that you want to transition and now you guys need to figure out how to proceed about it. Untreated dysphoria kills, and it can be extremely painful, usually when its realised it will keep snowballing until its dealt with. For it was bearable for about thirty six year and then I was over the edge with only one way out and that is to fix everything nature messed up with. Don't fall into thinking that you've made this far and would make it further, the best time to transition was yesterday, the second best is right now. Denial and running away will never fix how you feel about yourself.