[Mel87]

Hello, It's been sometime hasn’t it?

Truth be told, I'm currently away on hiatus as I’ve sought help for a number of mental things I definitely need to deal with after all this time. Healing trauma and overcoming weaknesses like bad patterns in my life. In the long term I’m losing a considerable amount of weight. I fell off the bus and lost sight of my real goals, the goals that I fought for before. I’m making progress in truth only now. It's hard to look in the mirror and see the girl who looked so much thinner in the face, so much potential. I sadly carry a lot of weight, baby faced you know. Just the issue lies with too much fat, makes me see me before all this and so I shy away from my reflection.

I won’t be returning anytime soon, to be honest I’m not sure when that will be but I thought since my email dinged activity in my thread and honest caring I thought to at least reply to prove I’m as well as can be and that I’ve not done anything stupid.

I’ve completely come off of NBE and ceased all pumping and have done so for pretty much a year now, I settled at 34K and though I tried again about six months ago. I never got any gains. I think part of the issue is cortisol. Just the level of stress I’m going through needs to be dealt with as the health concerns of my weight having crept up and likely caloric deficit is too much. Though the good news is my 34K is holding steady as I lose the weight. Though I struggled with losing, I did discover that returning to my old progesterone cycling syncing with my sister has started to help me lose weight as that does raise cortisol levels. Elevated levels consistently are bad for fat distribution and general well being if long term. Though cycling leaves questions it does allow a stockpile of the medication I would like to build.

How did it come to this, you might wonder? Well I fought against myself being Aroace, it brought me nothing but shame and despair that I can’t be like others. Weird to want something that I can’t even feel. It was a disservice to those I care about who wondered if there could be something ever more with me and there couldn’t be. I can care for sure, but I can’t really love in that way. I thought I was a rock diamond of demi but nope Aroace to the heart. Fighting against my own nature is quite silly, it's like trying to remain a guy you know? You just can’t change who you are inside. Then there is my biggest weakness. I can care too much, I will take your burdens, your pains, your cry for help and try to transform it and give it back to you. To make you smile every day, to make the bad days go away. It should be a strength and yet it comes at an expense to myself. I give up a piece of my own happiness to do it and if I keep doing it, I’m like a battery of emotion and I’ve certainly run out. Numb to things even more than ever left with only my own sorrow and pains that reverts me to a point in my life I can not share. A safe space mentally that gives me comfort just to make it through another day.

One of the few good things was that I visited Leeds in July starting the genuine national process of getting on the system. My ability to prove to the government I am who I say I am with the gender recognition certificate let alone surgical referrals and them taking of my meds.

Lastly, I’ve been experimenting with an idea, I won’t share much at this time but I refer to something I call the reservoir and yes I know you all know about Pio as I do lurk here. But unlocking the real hidden potential requires a guinea pig. Don’t get hyped as I’m that pig and I’m testing it as I lose weight. If I have any results I’ll be sure to share if I have anything of value.