[Tommie]

Hi Shirazmn

I think your description is spot on for me as well! 
When T goes down enough all fetish and sexdrive goes away
 and with it the desire to feminize. 
For me its also that I get scared when the budding and growth pick up speed with the increased E level. But, when hormones normalizes again the fem drive comes back. 
However I really dont know where my fem desire  comes from.

Hi Tommie
Where the fem drive is from, is probably different fro person to person. I remember that I was jealous of my girl classmate's opaque colorful pantyhose when I was 4 years old and that I loved the look of their Maryjane shoes. My memories don't go much further back, but I can say that I always wanted something feminine. Still, I really enjoyed most of my masculine upbringing and even now I am really happy with my current position of "man of the house", father, husband, and (as many know me) leading "tough guy". I wish I could just incorporate some feminine things into my daily life, but I can't. I have a managerial position at work and I wish I could just walk into the office in a tailored power suit with a low-cut top, pencil skirt, and 5" high heels, and be respected.
From my point of view, I just came to realize that I am mostly an hedonist. I do things because I like them. I found that, within the boundaries of what doesn't hurt the other people I care about, there is nothing inherently wrong with self indulgence. I like the feel of high heels, the soft touch of sheer stockings, the hug of a bra, I buy them and wear them when I can. I want to feel the bounce of a pair of breasts, see a nice cleavage when I wear a bra, so I am growing boobs.

And again, hedonism feeds on sex drive. I would never transition because, in all honesty, I'd rather be an average looking guy than an ugly looking trans woman. I keep on saying, even to my wife as a joke, that if I could transition into an 18 years old KPop girl idol I would do it right away but, unless they invent cloning and brain transplant in the next 20 years, I doubt I'll ever be able to. I don't feel the need to be a woman, but I really want to feel like one from time to time, and that drives me forward but it slows down when my T is low or my sex drive is otherwise satisfied. I noticed many times that if my sex life intensifies then my crossdressing and breast growth drive lowers a lot.

I would suggest you look into yourself and try to understand what is that you want VS what is that you need. Then free yourself of what society expects from you, get rid of the black and white definition of man/woman (the world today is more flexible than that) and try to understand how much of each side you can use to be your whole self.

Hi Shirazmn
As a kid I didnt think at all of being fem myself or having girly outfits, I was a normative boy, but I have always really adored the female body and curves. 
I guess other might have seen me as somewhat androgyn, and when with friends by accident have ended up in gaybars it was always me the gays approached. I wasnt happy with that in my 30ies but now I dont mind at all. I get turned on by women, if that makes me hetero or lesbian I have no clue.

I guess I am also a hedonist, and maybe egoist, but its my life and my only life. Now, three weeks in after my re-start, no sign of doubts or purge yet. I feel more determined now to take this to a new level.

This thread has really been helpful for me. Thank you all for really insightful thoughts and sharing your own experiences in this matter, it has been crucial for me.