[Blue]

This is alarming and I'm really worried about you. I don't know what your stack was but please remember that deep depression is often a side effect of cycling off. Added to your current emotional state, relationship fears, and long-term uncertainty about what's next, and right now you're incredibly vulnerable. 

Please don't make any hasty decisions in such a state, especially the one that is absolutely permanent and irreversible. And I'm not talking about NBE or HRT. What you're feeling is perfectly normal and natural considering what you're going through. 

I hate unsolicited advice but I'm going to give it anyway. Please forgive me. Take a metaphorical deep breath. Understand that you can only control what you can control, and that's basically how you respond to the stresses put upon you. Try and put everything away, just for a day or two. Stop thinking about it. It's so easy to become obsessive to the point of mania. Let it all simmer. 

I know, it's easy to say but less easy to do. Your mind needs to rest. Your body needs to rest. Your soul needs to rest. Give yourself a break and trust that your future will unfold as it's supposed to, and that may very well be in a way that you haven't even considered yet. 

Take a step back from the brink. Life is not a zero sum prospect. It's neither black nor white. Try and do something that you love, that allows you to free your mind from all your troubles. Find your inner calm and go try to have a little fun. Laughter is the best medicine? In many instances the answer is a resounding yes. Joy and peace are where we find them. Both are out there, waiting for you. 

Whatever awaits you in your future will wait. I just want you to be here to discover it.

We have never met and almost certainly never will, but I say this unabashedly and truthfully. I love you my friend. I pray you will find your path. I'm confident you will if you just give yourself a chance. Give yourself that chance.