[CM213]

It's a tough situation. If I transition, I could lose my job. My spouse won't leave, she knows about this part of me, but I have grown children from a previous marriage and are hateful toward LGBTQ. Then my spouse's family might alienate me. I have friends who would not be friends with me. So my choice is to stay a male and keep everything or transition and lose my job, kids, friends. So I question the situation all the time. Who am I living for? Them or me? I would like to live for me, but I wish the fallout wasn't so painful. When I meditate, I picture myself how I think that I would look like as a woman. I have let my hair grow long and wear it in a ponytail. Everyone thinks I am weird but so what, I am. During Covid, I pierced my own ears. I wear earrings around the house and out sometimes, but not to work or by family. I epilate most of my body hair. I also take some herbs for breast growth. So I feel like I am transitioning but still present as a man. Maybe things will change for me. All I know is that we should be able to be our true selves and not suffer losing family, friends and jobs. Or be attacked or called names. I don't know how to change the whole situation. It would take a huge shift in attitude across society and that is not happening soon. I am lucky that my wife knows and will not leave me. The only advice I would have is to talk to a therapist. I would also stay off sites on your phone for now.

Yes it is. And I am sorry you have to choose to live for others or yourself like alot of us do or have done. 

I am talking to a gender identity therapist, but we've only had to sessions before all this happened. It was nice to have someone to talk to if thats all it is. I def feel my wife should get a therapist that specializes in this area, and maybe even a couple therapists for us both. Since our individual ones can't do that due to conflict of interest. 

And yes I will be more careful with my phone but I also feel it was a boundary she should not have crossed. Everyone deserves privacy, and she broke it thinking I was cheating, and it backfired on her. She says open and honest communication and yet she could not ask me to see my phone and do it in front of me. So it is a double edge sword that I can see both sides of the argument on.  I also feel that now she knows what I do and look at on my phone that it's out there, how else will I explore and research things without my phone. She knows, can't get outted or have that conversation again. Lol

I wish I could be brave like so many people here and out in the world that aren't afraid to express their truths by what ever means they feel, how they dress, pro nouns, etc. I am definitely someone no one would think could ever be trans by looking at me or even those that know me. 

Like you and so many others I wish the world was kinder and didn't place value on stupid things. Less judgment and more acceptance and love.