[Kay Lady]

Hi to all readers. Yes this is an old thread, but that just means that it is meaningful to the folks here. So that spectrum. I am unique and all our lives are different. As far as gender, I have always felt feminine, sensitive and nurturing. But in my family, I could never show that. We were tough men playing sports, lifting weights, boasting of our power over others. I hated every minute of it and I could see right through it. Toxic masculinity with a deep insecurity of self. Plus, I was born during a time when mothers were often given a drug called DES to prevent miscarriage. I have a deep belief that my mother took this. It is a synthetic estrogen. Yes, it affects the fetus in the womb. If curious, look it up. At a very young age, I felt that I should have been born a girl. A secret that I would carry for decades. In secret, I would try on girls clothing when I could. When I did, all the stars in the sky would align. It was a feeling that I would never forget. And I would not forget the pain of my dysfunctional upbringing. When I would show any sensitivity, I would get drenched in toxic shame. I felt defective, worthless and my spirit was broken.

I have always been a fighter. Contrary to what my family thought. I knew there was a better way, a way to mend my spirit. I was searching for years in self help books which probably saved my life. Seeing transgender women on tv, the internet and in public changed my life. Things started to click. I spent years in therapy, altho I never mentioned my feelings and wish to be female. I never trusted my therapists with that secret. 

So where on the spectrum am I? Transgender woman is my internal identity. I have long, pierced ears, a smooth body and A cup breasts from NBE. If I step too far out, I will lose family that I am not prepared to lose right now. My career could also end and I am not prepared to start over right now. I believe this will one day change as I evolve. My daily thoughts of who I am and where I am heading are intertwined. Healing old wounds, old beliefs about myself and becoming who I really am are all part of each other. They would not exist without each other. So I am on a path of healing and becoming my true self.