[Owllee]

Mel,

Thank you for your answer,,,your honesty...your courage. Thank you!

 I knew we were similar...just shaded differently.

 I think we could sit together and agree on about everything and have many experiences that mirror each other.

 I was also the feminine boy in my class...maybe the whole school. I was also anorexic because even as a teen in the 70s and knowing nothing about transitioning except what was in the media about Christine Jorgenson (spelling) I knew I should be slim.

 But things worked out differently. Girls suddenly found me interesting when I was 17 for reasons I never understood...probably the same reasons males wanted to beat me up...and I really liked one girl in particular who is a life long friend now... so I tried to forget this gender confusion by becoming as male as I could...which worked for a while until it didnt.

 I had so many people telling me I was gay including many gay men...and one roommate in college who was mighty excited by me...I hated that guy....AND one hollywood director who tried to seduce me at a party at college in front of creepy roommate...ask me about it I might tell you who it was (Paper Chase is a good movie about college life)..I couldnt stand it. I wanted to make up my own mind and not let what I looked like have others decide.

 SO I grew a beard...ate a lot...lifted weights...tried to seduce as many women as possible...did stupid things with large animals in central africa...wanderd around war zones also in Africa for no reason (these were the "Apartheid wars" in the 80s...I was also in Zimbabwe when the Matabele were slaughtered...I saw the troop convoys...creepy doesnt do it justice...horror horror...I was also nearly shot...bombed...arrested...normal for the times and place. So, really stupid stuff....Which I still do sometimes. (I was nearly in the uprising in Zambia in 2016...not fun...I think I have some form of PTSD from this...I also started PM right afterward...hmmm.)

I thought it was about boobs...but nah...I like skinny women as much as voluptuous ones. 

I thought HRT would change me. And I was right. I am much much happier than I was 6 years ago when I started. 

But I also lost my 26 year marriage. But I also thought she would stick with me. Sickness and in health. But not for everyone.

So now what? Maybe that is why I am here at BN.

 Maybe this is where the next move will become obvious.

I still do really dumb things others might think are brave. I want to stop taking HRT but I am afraid all this barely suppressed idiocy will come back stronger than ever.

Ach..on the other hand...life is a  gas sometimes.

Best
Owlie