26-03-2022, 03:24 AM
A quick apology for the lengthy post!
I may not be out publicly, wearing female clothes and makeup, having to constantly be aware of my mannerisms and voice, but I do know how all those worries feel. How dysphoria feels... I'm stuck having to present as a male around friends and family and I always feel like I'm constantly a prisoner because of all the limitations that places on me, tolling me mentally so very much. It's a weight keeping me down in my otherwise much better world.
You're very strong in being able to live the life you want openly. As you said though it really doesn't work being openly trans. People don't accept that so easily. So all of us who are must try to be as perfect and passable at all times for fear of being outed. People are generally very judgmental and mean-hearted about a great many things. It's always been my biggest fear to not look girl enough and to not be, act, or sound girl enough.
We don't have the luxury to be a tomboy or have any kind of weak feminine attempts. We have to put so much effort and lean very heavily into the girly side of things. I personally enjoy these trials. The prospects of having to be and look and act as girly as I can is nice because that's what I see for myself. I see a positive, empathetic, fun loving, kind-hearted girly girl that happens to also be a bit of an anime, book, and gamer nerd~
I will even say that it's been so much easier embracing the female side of me over the last year and that's been wonderful. It's getting to where it comes so naturally that I almost make a female slip up in front of people that know me as male. Even the 'voice' inside my head, the voice I think with, has sometimes become my female voice that I've been talking in more and more lately.
Regardless all that, even though I do often like that I'll have to be more girly than the average girl and put more effort and research into things, it doesn't make the idea of doing it all the time less stressful. It's a lot to think about and I can only assume for people like you who present female every day it must be exhausting at times. >.<
I don't know if you should care as much about what people think below the surface, however. Everyone will have unpleasant thoughts at times. It's just--unfortunately--how things are. No one will ever be some perfect pinnacle of acceptance. I believe as a writer I'm able to get into other mindsets and perspectives easier than likely most people, but even I struggle to get rid of nasty dispositions that have haunted me from my upbringing. Not unless I fully focus on combating it. And even then I question if I still don't have some sort of bias still eluding me. You see I want to be as nice, kind, and earnest as possible. I want to be my best self. But to be perfect is just not something a human can be.
So what I think is, instead of caring what people believe in their head or say in private, it is best to try to accept that and deal instead with how they treat you in person. Yes it's awful people will gossip or think about hurtful things. But even if someone were completely passable, even if someone transfem like us was born female, there would still always be some kind of negative thoughts or gossip or injustice we'd face. They would just instead be about different things. Would they hurt more or less? Be more or less scary or dangerous? I can't say. But biases, prejudices, and all their ilk would still be there in some fashion.
I'm sorry you don't think you'll be able to always succeed at passing. That you probably worry about if you need certain things done or surgeries made. It stings. It rocks me to my core and makes me want to cry at times when I think I won't be seen the way I want as well. It makes me doubt my successes. But you've made lots of progress and success. I know I have too. If you think on it, think on all you've done so far, you won't ever be able to doubt the progress you've made. The hard part is thinking on it logically and pulling back the cloud of emotions in the moment.
In the end we need to fight those awful thoughts back or we'll never get what we want out of life. Negativity is the enemy of progress and self-improvement, and coming to a standstill or regressing for me is out of the question. I will keep moving forward through these roadblocks, and I hope you can strive and fight and move forward too.
Anyway, you've done amazing work on yourself. Many on this forum have. It is my greatest desire to share my own experiences and progress to help others in similar situations. It's why I also am trying to start a voice feminization group to let us thrive, because as I said, I believe voice to be one of the most important aspects of passing. It is in fact the most important aspect in the online realm or when speaking on the phone.
If you know and believe you have a good female voice, it will change you. Make you so positive. You may even want to break out in tears of joy the first time you hear a girl voice, your real voice, come out from your lips. And your everyday life and socialization will become so much better for it. This isn't to say you don't already have a wonderful voice. I have no idea how your voice is or how far it has come or what you've even done with it.
If however you think voice may be a problem for some of your inability to pass in interactions then I'd love to have you in Discord when I get it running. If that isn't what you believe to be the reason you feel you fail in interactions, perhaps you can explain more on what you think is? At the very least think on it deeply so that you can have goals to consider and work towards. No matter what though, keep moving on~ You yourself have been an inspiration for many here. Show everyone how great you are and make those nay-sayers eat their negative thoughts!
I may not be out publicly, wearing female clothes and makeup, having to constantly be aware of my mannerisms and voice, but I do know how all those worries feel. How dysphoria feels... I'm stuck having to present as a male around friends and family and I always feel like I'm constantly a prisoner because of all the limitations that places on me, tolling me mentally so very much. It's a weight keeping me down in my otherwise much better world.
You're very strong in being able to live the life you want openly. As you said though it really doesn't work being openly trans. People don't accept that so easily. So all of us who are must try to be as perfect and passable at all times for fear of being outed. People are generally very judgmental and mean-hearted about a great many things. It's always been my biggest fear to not look girl enough and to not be, act, or sound girl enough.
We don't have the luxury to be a tomboy or have any kind of weak feminine attempts. We have to put so much effort and lean very heavily into the girly side of things. I personally enjoy these trials. The prospects of having to be and look and act as girly as I can is nice because that's what I see for myself. I see a positive, empathetic, fun loving, kind-hearted girly girl that happens to also be a bit of an anime, book, and gamer nerd~
I will even say that it's been so much easier embracing the female side of me over the last year and that's been wonderful. It's getting to where it comes so naturally that I almost make a female slip up in front of people that know me as male. Even the 'voice' inside my head, the voice I think with, has sometimes become my female voice that I've been talking in more and more lately.
Regardless all that, even though I do often like that I'll have to be more girly than the average girl and put more effort and research into things, it doesn't make the idea of doing it all the time less stressful. It's a lot to think about and I can only assume for people like you who present female every day it must be exhausting at times. >.<
I don't know if you should care as much about what people think below the surface, however. Everyone will have unpleasant thoughts at times. It's just--unfortunately--how things are. No one will ever be some perfect pinnacle of acceptance. I believe as a writer I'm able to get into other mindsets and perspectives easier than likely most people, but even I struggle to get rid of nasty dispositions that have haunted me from my upbringing. Not unless I fully focus on combating it. And even then I question if I still don't have some sort of bias still eluding me. You see I want to be as nice, kind, and earnest as possible. I want to be my best self. But to be perfect is just not something a human can be.
So what I think is, instead of caring what people believe in their head or say in private, it is best to try to accept that and deal instead with how they treat you in person. Yes it's awful people will gossip or think about hurtful things. But even if someone were completely passable, even if someone transfem like us was born female, there would still always be some kind of negative thoughts or gossip or injustice we'd face. They would just instead be about different things. Would they hurt more or less? Be more or less scary or dangerous? I can't say. But biases, prejudices, and all their ilk would still be there in some fashion.
I'm sorry you don't think you'll be able to always succeed at passing. That you probably worry about if you need certain things done or surgeries made. It stings. It rocks me to my core and makes me want to cry at times when I think I won't be seen the way I want as well. It makes me doubt my successes. But you've made lots of progress and success. I know I have too. If you think on it, think on all you've done so far, you won't ever be able to doubt the progress you've made. The hard part is thinking on it logically and pulling back the cloud of emotions in the moment.
In the end we need to fight those awful thoughts back or we'll never get what we want out of life. Negativity is the enemy of progress and self-improvement, and coming to a standstill or regressing for me is out of the question. I will keep moving forward through these roadblocks, and I hope you can strive and fight and move forward too.
Anyway, you've done amazing work on yourself. Many on this forum have. It is my greatest desire to share my own experiences and progress to help others in similar situations. It's why I also am trying to start a voice feminization group to let us thrive, because as I said, I believe voice to be one of the most important aspects of passing. It is in fact the most important aspect in the online realm or when speaking on the phone.
If you know and believe you have a good female voice, it will change you. Make you so positive. You may even want to break out in tears of joy the first time you hear a girl voice, your real voice, come out from your lips. And your everyday life and socialization will become so much better for it. This isn't to say you don't already have a wonderful voice. I have no idea how your voice is or how far it has come or what you've even done with it.
If however you think voice may be a problem for some of your inability to pass in interactions then I'd love to have you in Discord when I get it running. If that isn't what you believe to be the reason you feel you fail in interactions, perhaps you can explain more on what you think is? At the very least think on it deeply so that you can have goals to consider and work towards. No matter what though, keep moving on~ You yourself have been an inspiration for many here. Show everyone how great you are and make those nay-sayers eat their negative thoughts!