25-03-2022, 05:21 PM
I had plans to wait for a nice day when I'm feeling I'm riding a high wave and write something here. A lot has happened since I last time posted anything here... I don't even know where to start. Its not even the best of days, I had quite severe dysphoric breakdown earlier. All the same old stuff keeps on hurting me.
At the same time where the dysphoria about my body has started to feel less, its getting stronger on social side. Some things I felt I didn't need have become a must. I guess this is the natural course of things as I've started to pass in public quite well, short interaction with people already works out, but they read me like an open book if I sit down and chat for a while longer. Which is heart breaking because there's no way to be openly trans and get treated like a normal person, it just doesn't work.
I'm yet to face any direct trans phobia which is nice, but the worst is not the assholes as they're easy to shrug off for being just that, the worst are those who are accepting on the surface but let their true thinking slip up by making a difference, making it so that a trans woman is not a real woman for them, making us lesser being. Surface level accepting cis "ally" is the most annoying thing ever. They truly piss me off.
Thinking of goals, what should I aim for? Absolute never failing stealth passing is most likely out of the question, I can't even dream of getting a lot of stuff that no hormones can ever fix. But to be seen, heard and experienced as just a woman most of the time? Is that too much to ask? Only time will tell I guess, so far I'm becoming carefully optimistic about it, lot of positive experience seems to point to that. Goals on body changes, I don't think I have neen unrealistic about is as HRT has been treating me so much better than I ever dreamed of. Its been amazing change in less than ten months. My only saving grace as I can't ever pay my way to happiness anyway, but if genetics and HRT do so much, I might not ever need much surgical intervention with much else than down there.
Still a road worth walking. Even on a day when I cry my eyes out for being like this... <3
At the same time where the dysphoria about my body has started to feel less, its getting stronger on social side. Some things I felt I didn't need have become a must. I guess this is the natural course of things as I've started to pass in public quite well, short interaction with people already works out, but they read me like an open book if I sit down and chat for a while longer. Which is heart breaking because there's no way to be openly trans and get treated like a normal person, it just doesn't work.
I'm yet to face any direct trans phobia which is nice, but the worst is not the assholes as they're easy to shrug off for being just that, the worst are those who are accepting on the surface but let their true thinking slip up by making a difference, making it so that a trans woman is not a real woman for them, making us lesser being. Surface level accepting cis "ally" is the most annoying thing ever. They truly piss me off.
Thinking of goals, what should I aim for? Absolute never failing stealth passing is most likely out of the question, I can't even dream of getting a lot of stuff that no hormones can ever fix. But to be seen, heard and experienced as just a woman most of the time? Is that too much to ask? Only time will tell I guess, so far I'm becoming carefully optimistic about it, lot of positive experience seems to point to that. Goals on body changes, I don't think I have neen unrealistic about is as HRT has been treating me so much better than I ever dreamed of. Its been amazing change in less than ten months. My only saving grace as I can't ever pay my way to happiness anyway, but if genetics and HRT do so much, I might not ever need much surgical intervention with much else than down there.
Still a road worth walking. Even on a day when I cry my eyes out for being like this... <3