[kimi9r]

Hey, seeing this thred pop up again, thought I’d break my (too long) long silence.
 
So a thumbnail refresher sketch – started out viewing myself as a long time CD, since oooo I don’t know… many years anyway, but realised/accepted “It” was far deeper than that maybe 2015-16-ish - but with no intention of actually transitioning. One day I said to myself, let's see if we can grow some tits, so started NBE, then stopped, restarted, stopped, restarted... I spent more time going round in circles than really making progress… I suspect a very common situation. 

Anyway fast forward to 2019, did a single event on a mini cruise, fully dressed in a "vanilla" environment – for the first time - and loved it. Then later that year spent 3-4 days 24*7, full-time en femme in the US, loved it massively, but was stressed to the max for the whole time.

Came back home and had a mini-meltdown/complete purge – what I can't really figure out is why? Maybe I just got shit-scared of the fact that IT, life on the "other side of the fence", so to speak, could be a reality, and much closer than I'd ever believed possible? Anyway, I instantly regretted it, but it was several months before I “jumped back on the horse”. So fast forward to today, back on low-level NBE, and loving the process, albeit slow, as we all know.

So family and stuff, well, my partner does know about my “CD” side, and accepts but isn’t really supportive, doesn't know about NBE, and hasn't noticed (or at least said anything) about any growth. My kids have seen photos of me dressed (from the cruise) and think they're simply hilarious. To complicate things, my youngest is Bi and dated a FtM for a while, so in general is far more out there and supportive of trans folks - not sure whether that's good or bad, yet, although at least I'd maybe have one ally if this all came out in the open?


As for the boobs, well, they're certainly not "OMG you've got tits!!", to the casual observer, well I don't think so, but to me they're definitely getting more "shape", and have attracted a lot more attention when wearing a poor choice of shirt, i.e. too tight/thin - in fact, yesterday, wearing one of my normal business shirts, a woman on the street actually did a double-take alternating between my chest and face. From a "naked in public" perspective I went to my local "male sauna" last week, for the first time since COVID, and was surprised at the looks I was getting - so maybe they are more noticeable than I realise? Haven't been to the beach since a local vacation back in Nov 2019, which was no problem, but these days, I've no idea.

Where does that leave me? I don't know. I don't think I'm going to stop. But, bearing in mind I could never pass as female (way too many male facial features), and don't want "big ones" and I'm not going to transition, will there be a point where I've either gone too far, or where I say enough is enough, and stop? 

I have to play my cards close to my slowly expanding chest, because I really don't know how "my world" would react? I wish there was an easy answer, but I know there isn't. Yes I could go for therapy, but deep down I'm not sure it'll help - I don't need to pay someone to tell me what I already know, and what decisions I have to consider. Having said that I don't suffer dysphoria to the extent that I HAVE to make any decision - I'm actually happy sitting with a foot in each camp, so maybe it'll all be OK, and I'll be able to continue as I am?

Anyway here's a recent pic - lighting angles make them appear bigger, but I like the shot...