Day 10
They arrived. I have one PM sitting right here in front of me. It's a off-white, milky colored capsule filled with powder. I don't have PM in my regimen for another three and a half weeks. (See my current program in my profile.)
I so want to take just one.
I want to feel the effects of female levels of estrogen in my body. I want to know what it feels like to be a woman. I've wanted this all my life.
As I roll it around in my fingers, I wonder. I wonder if I'll feel anything only taking one.
Will I feel different?
Minutes tick by as I debate with myself.
It's not a matter of whether I should. It's more about the fact that I may want to move faster down this rabbit hole than I should.
I want to. I so want to.
If I do take this one, will I be able to control myself and not take another tomorrow? Will I be able to adhere to my rotation of weekly regimens and take this slow? Or will I want to take only PM?
I know what I want. I know what I've always wanted. Yet, here I stand with a key in my hand and I'm hesitating to unlock the door.
I'm definitely not ready as far as my relationships go.
I am far from being out of the closet.
I spin it on the table top with my finger as I contemplate my destiny. It's as if I'm playing "spin the bottle."
How much do I want the woman inside me? How much do I peel back the male on the outside and let her out?
Can I put her back in? Or will she take over my body? Deep down, she's always controlled my mind and soul. She claws her way back to the surface quite often. Sometimes more than others.
Why am I debating this so much?
40 minutes has passed since I started writing this entry.
Okay... here it goes...
She won this one.
They arrived. I have one PM sitting right here in front of me. It's a off-white, milky colored capsule filled with powder. I don't have PM in my regimen for another three and a half weeks. (See my current program in my profile.)
I so want to take just one.
I want to feel the effects of female levels of estrogen in my body. I want to know what it feels like to be a woman. I've wanted this all my life.
As I roll it around in my fingers, I wonder. I wonder if I'll feel anything only taking one.
Will I feel different?
Minutes tick by as I debate with myself.
It's not a matter of whether I should. It's more about the fact that I may want to move faster down this rabbit hole than I should.
I want to. I so want to.
If I do take this one, will I be able to control myself and not take another tomorrow? Will I be able to adhere to my rotation of weekly regimens and take this slow? Or will I want to take only PM?
I know what I want. I know what I've always wanted. Yet, here I stand with a key in my hand and I'm hesitating to unlock the door.
I'm definitely not ready as far as my relationships go.
I am far from being out of the closet.
I spin it on the table top with my finger as I contemplate my destiny. It's as if I'm playing "spin the bottle."
How much do I want the woman inside me? How much do I peel back the male on the outside and let her out?
Can I put her back in? Or will she take over my body? Deep down, she's always controlled my mind and soul. She claws her way back to the surface quite often. Sometimes more than others.
Why am I debating this so much?
40 minutes has passed since I started writing this entry.
Okay... here it goes...
She won this one.