24-05-2017, 06:59 PM
Dear Shawna,
I think your post very nicely describes the thing many transgender people experience. What you felt was stronger bout of gender dysphoria. I can relate... I feel it often.
Sadness, pain, desperation... There are many instances I am not able te bear it I cry.
And I never know what could trigger it. I can see totally beautiful woman and feel nothing more than just a small sting of envy. Then I see another one, sometimes even plainly looking woman, for example just sitting normally in a café, and I am overwhelmed by emotions. Maybe the normality of that situation, how natural and normal it is for her to live a normal life, kind of life which I was not able to live and which I will not be able to live without paying too high of a prize. Extremely strong trigger is to visit a theater and see all those women in formal attire... And then I see my own reflection...
Heh, I am crying even now, just thinking about it.
And yes, feeling of inadequacy is one of those strong emotions. Feeling that what I did and what I can do is just not enough...
Interestingly, I've realized only recently that those feelings were with me since my early puberty. I just used to clench my teeth and I tried to overcome it with effort to be more perfect in what I did - studying, work, exercising. Although I knew I was transgender, I naively thought that those feelings are just my way to feel attraction towards women. Human psyche is so apt to deceive itself. I was not able to connect all the dots.
I really would like to be able to help you with some guidance. But I myself don't know how to easily overcome those bouts and waves of dysphoria.
What does not help me and makes dysphoria stronger: listening to sad music, alcohol, thinking about how desperate and sad I am.
What helps me: crying, letting the emotions out, doing something to be more feminine, making actual steps forward.
*hugs*
Poly
I think your post very nicely describes the thing many transgender people experience. What you felt was stronger bout of gender dysphoria. I can relate... I feel it often.
Sadness, pain, desperation... There are many instances I am not able te bear it I cry.
And I never know what could trigger it. I can see totally beautiful woman and feel nothing more than just a small sting of envy. Then I see another one, sometimes even plainly looking woman, for example just sitting normally in a café, and I am overwhelmed by emotions. Maybe the normality of that situation, how natural and normal it is for her to live a normal life, kind of life which I was not able to live and which I will not be able to live without paying too high of a prize. Extremely strong trigger is to visit a theater and see all those women in formal attire... And then I see my own reflection...
Heh, I am crying even now, just thinking about it.
And yes, feeling of inadequacy is one of those strong emotions. Feeling that what I did and what I can do is just not enough...
Interestingly, I've realized only recently that those feelings were with me since my early puberty. I just used to clench my teeth and I tried to overcome it with effort to be more perfect in what I did - studying, work, exercising. Although I knew I was transgender, I naively thought that those feelings are just my way to feel attraction towards women. Human psyche is so apt to deceive itself. I was not able to connect all the dots.
I really would like to be able to help you with some guidance. But I myself don't know how to easily overcome those bouts and waves of dysphoria.
What does not help me and makes dysphoria stronger: listening to sad music, alcohol, thinking about how desperate and sad I am.
What helps me: crying, letting the emotions out, doing something to be more feminine, making actual steps forward.
*hugs*
Poly