[MeganJ]

So, I found this local organization that supports transgender people, and assists with the process of transitioning. I have just returned from my first, albeit short & concise, meeting. The person that I dealt with is a transgender woman who is very feminine in all aspects. I honestly felt like a neanderthal ape overdosed on testosterone next to her. I'm certainly not an alpha male, and I have feminine-like body language, but I'm definitely not girly.

The emotions that I experienced driving away from the meeting are totally foreign to me. I felt inadequate and I started thinking that I'm only fooling myself that I could ever truly be female gendered. My reality is that I don't mind my male genitalia, but my mind is screaming female, to the point of desperation. There has been talk on this forum about the head noise; I have been obsessed and have thought of nothing else for at least six months after realizing that I may have an identity issue - the head noise is driving me crazy.

I'm physically at the point of tears, and I'm literally experiencing heartache at the flicker of doubt regarding my femininity.

I feel for you.  Maybe it didn't hit me as hard as it seems to have you, but I can identify.  What makes it even worse is that a lot of the transgender community only understands "All or nothing" idea.  That a person is truly not transgender if they don't HATE any and all male attributes.  I mean that if you are not planning SRS, then some even here feel like you are a person who is just in for the fetish of having breasts.

You can look on Youtube and get a great idea that quite a few probably felt they would never pass as a woman to begin with.  And yet, they can and do pass for CIS women.  50% is in your head, 25% is your body and 25% is your willingness to adapt.  Anyways, that is the idea of my therapist.

I wish you good luck in you epic quest of self discovery.

Sounds quite similar to a lot of my own fears.....but then I think women come in all shapes and sizes and some are very feminine in presentation and others less so. 

I definitely agree with aria though that a lot of it is in your own head. I look at it this way though when i compare myself to most males I definitely look way more feminine than they do and way less masculine. Plus for me its all about quietening that voice in my head, for the first time in ages I don't have that static feeling in my head. For me just getting rid of that is what i wanted, the rest is just a bonus. 

For me the idea is to just blend in, whilst hyper fem works for some it also makes them stand out. Ideally you want to be femme enough not to stand out but not overly so that you get attention of another kind. 

Body language and attitude can make a big difference so if you have some of that sorted already you should be fine! 

Also agree re srs, for me it isn't a must do or must have. It doesn't make me feel any more or less womanly having the thing there and to me there are a lot of risks involved in the operation as well. 

You aren't alone in feeling like you'll never measure up though but if at the start of the journey remember it is just that the start and a lot can and will change!

Megan