19-11-2016, 07:43 PM
Dear sisters, brother-sisters, friends,
as a foreword I apologise for a lengthy text, but I just needed some ventilation. I have no-one to tell. I just can't tell my girlfriend. Although she is the only persons who knows I am transgendered I just don't want her to be flooded in my uncertainties.
I have been frequenting this discussion board for approximately 10 months. During this time I've witnessed development of several people and I don't mean outwards development, but rather inner changes leading to (hopefully) better understanding of themselves and more authentic life.
Actually, I've experienced shift in myself as well. It started even before I even begun with NBE. Pursuing NBE and trying to open myself to a bigger world were just symptoms. For some time I tried to ignore it... But it was more and more apparent that I should not and can't ignore changes happening inside me and that I should do something about it.
I started as a pure crossdresser (CD). I remember enjoying dressing even as a 3 years old. Although those urges were with me during whole childhood, they were rather dormant. But during puberty they awoke. Since then, my baseline crossdressing urge stayed constant – connected to my sexual instinct. My explanation was that it was just a fetish, nothing more. But often I was upset with that connection and there were episodes during my life when I wanted so much more … Those episodes differed in lenght, but each time they appeared, that longing was much stronger. The last episode lasts from 2011 when I realised, in sudden burst of panic, that it may be the last possibility for me to grasp at least part of my youth and „do something about it“...
The fact is that I can't deny anymore that my feminine identity is getting stronger. I've started with feminine grooming, I begun with NBE, I've started to wear only female clothes at home, I've started to underdress, I've started to act more feminine, to practice feminine voice etc. I finally don't have feeling that there is a stranger in my photos. This week I even made an appointment for the laser hair removal. For several weeks it gradually becomes more difficult to think about myself as a male and to stop having more and more feminine mannerism. I cried several times just thinking that I was not able to grow up as a girl. And I enjoy and dread all changes at the same time.
But I know that our desires are not to be trusted... There are so many possible influences. I should think about this more carefully and without emotions. Basically there are three possibilities:
1) I am late-onset transsexual, with typical trajectory (starting as a CD, but with growing feminine identity which gradually becomes dominant).
2) I am CD and because of enormous stress, I am just escaping to my feminine persona. And right now, I am under stress due to work.
3) My true identity is one of those mixed-gender identities (gender-fluid, bi-gendered....) and I am just coming to this realisation.
Either case, I just don't want to stay in the closet and under radar anymore. I've made an appointment with a gender therapist. She is also a sexologist specialised in gender identity disorders. Unfortunately the closest date is in February.
In meantime, I'll try to prepare and find my own answers. I would like to make changes in my work as well. I need to reduce stress levels to limit this possible influence. I also contemplate stopping my herbal regime to have more clear mind. On the other side I really don't want to, because I like "the new me"
.
I will use this thread as a record of ideas and resources about this topic of self-exploration. So if anyone wants to participate – be welcomed! And I am also opened to any thoughts and advices
.
Interesting resources:
Interesting article about differences between TV and TS:
http://www.debradavis.org/gecpage/tvorts.html
Quite a recent book about exploration of one's gender identity:
http://darahoffmanfox.com/discoveryourgenderidentity/
Poly
as a foreword I apologise for a lengthy text, but I just needed some ventilation. I have no-one to tell. I just can't tell my girlfriend. Although she is the only persons who knows I am transgendered I just don't want her to be flooded in my uncertainties.
I have been frequenting this discussion board for approximately 10 months. During this time I've witnessed development of several people and I don't mean outwards development, but rather inner changes leading to (hopefully) better understanding of themselves and more authentic life.
Actually, I've experienced shift in myself as well. It started even before I even begun with NBE. Pursuing NBE and trying to open myself to a bigger world were just symptoms. For some time I tried to ignore it... But it was more and more apparent that I should not and can't ignore changes happening inside me and that I should do something about it.
I started as a pure crossdresser (CD). I remember enjoying dressing even as a 3 years old. Although those urges were with me during whole childhood, they were rather dormant. But during puberty they awoke. Since then, my baseline crossdressing urge stayed constant – connected to my sexual instinct. My explanation was that it was just a fetish, nothing more. But often I was upset with that connection and there were episodes during my life when I wanted so much more … Those episodes differed in lenght, but each time they appeared, that longing was much stronger. The last episode lasts from 2011 when I realised, in sudden burst of panic, that it may be the last possibility for me to grasp at least part of my youth and „do something about it“...
The fact is that I can't deny anymore that my feminine identity is getting stronger. I've started with feminine grooming, I begun with NBE, I've started to wear only female clothes at home, I've started to underdress, I've started to act more feminine, to practice feminine voice etc. I finally don't have feeling that there is a stranger in my photos. This week I even made an appointment for the laser hair removal. For several weeks it gradually becomes more difficult to think about myself as a male and to stop having more and more feminine mannerism. I cried several times just thinking that I was not able to grow up as a girl. And I enjoy and dread all changes at the same time.
But I know that our desires are not to be trusted... There are so many possible influences. I should think about this more carefully and without emotions. Basically there are three possibilities:
1) I am late-onset transsexual, with typical trajectory (starting as a CD, but with growing feminine identity which gradually becomes dominant).
2) I am CD and because of enormous stress, I am just escaping to my feminine persona. And right now, I am under stress due to work.
3) My true identity is one of those mixed-gender identities (gender-fluid, bi-gendered....) and I am just coming to this realisation.
Either case, I just don't want to stay in the closet and under radar anymore. I've made an appointment with a gender therapist. She is also a sexologist specialised in gender identity disorders. Unfortunately the closest date is in February.
In meantime, I'll try to prepare and find my own answers. I would like to make changes in my work as well. I need to reduce stress levels to limit this possible influence. I also contemplate stopping my herbal regime to have more clear mind. On the other side I really don't want to, because I like "the new me"
.I will use this thread as a record of ideas and resources about this topic of self-exploration. So if anyone wants to participate – be welcomed! And I am also opened to any thoughts and advices
.Interesting resources:
Interesting article about differences between TV and TS:
http://www.debradavis.org/gecpage/tvorts.html
Quite a recent book about exploration of one's gender identity:
http://darahoffmanfox.com/discoveryourgenderidentity/
Poly