[ElainMoria]

Well EllainMoria, I'm willing to accept that that could be the explanation (as far as it being a fetish, kink, etc.) In fact, many times throughout the my years wrestling with this I've thought of that exact thing. The problem I'm having is that thinking of it in that way doesn't make it go away. I still want it. Still fall into the cycle of moving towards it, feeling down, backing away, but eventually coming right back. In other words, thinking of it as a fetish hasn't given me any relief, which is what I'm most interested in.

I, more than anything else, want freedom from the uncertainty. So far, I haven't found a way to -prove- to myself that it's either a fetish, or "for real." Which is why I feel a bit lost. I've read many anecdotal stories of people who've gone through exactly what I have. People who fetishized their gender dysphoria. It was only after a lot of introspection that they were able to see past those layers. I've tried a lot, like I've said before. None of it has convinced me either way. I wish that how hormones made me feel turned me off to it all forever, or, I wish that they felt wonderful, and only made me want more. The maddening thing is that I've stayed stuck in the middle all these years. That's why I made this post to begin with. To get unstuck.

Dana you are probably androgenous. A bit of both with a lean towards female partly driven by the sexual aspects of such a role. While nobody but you can decide if you are trans or not, let me post my results from that SAGE test so you can have a contrast to think about. Granted.. I am in transition (doing full hrt with my T levels at 16 and my estrogen levels >4000) but here they are love.

S.A.G.E. Test Results

Your Raw Score is: 830, which indicates that overall you are Feminine

Your appearance is Feminine

Your brain processes are mostly that of a Female person.

You appear to socialize in a feminine manner.

You believe you have serious conflicts about your gender identity.

You indicated your were born Male.

ANALYSIS:
Male to Female Transsexual, either post-operative or in transition
NOTES:

Your answers indicate you have altered your physical appearance to look like the opposite sex.

Your Answers indicate your psychological state has likely prevailed since you were quite young.

Now... as I said I am in the process of full transition and I have personally known since I was 4 that this male body was not supposed to have been male. For me it may simply be that I am strongly trans. For you it may be that you are on the cusp, not totally trans, but trans enough to really mess with your head.

It's something that only you can really decide for yourself. I don't think you are fully trans just from the things you have said, but you may very well be a bit of both. Trans and not trans. It's confusing I know and for you it may very well end up being that you decide that you are "all of the above" and not just one thing or another. I know it's not helpful, especially when you are trying to pin down an A or B answer. But sometimes the answer to the question are you A or B is simply Yes.

~E