[Dana Mantra Eon]

Well EllainMoria, I'm willing to accept that that could be the explanation (as far as it being a fetish, kink, etc.) In fact, many times throughout the my years wrestling with this I've thought of that exact thing. The problem I'm having is that thinking of it in that way doesn't make it go away. I still want it. Still fall into the cycle of moving towards it, feeling down, backing away, but eventually coming right back. In other words, thinking of it as a fetish hasn't given me any relief, which is what I'm most interested in.

I, more than anything else, want freedom from the uncertainty. So far, I haven't found a way to -prove- to myself that it's either a fetish, or "for real." Which is why I feel a bit lost. I've read many anecdotal stories of people who've gone through exactly what I have. People who fetishized their gender dysphoria. It was only after a lot of introspection that they were able to see past those layers. I've tried a lot, like I've said before. None of it has convinced me either way. I wish that how hormones made me feel turned me off to it all forever, or, I wish that they felt wonderful, and only made me want more. The maddening thing is that I've stayed stuck in the middle all these years. That's why I made this post to begin with. To get unstuck.