[ElainMoria]

The turn on was always about imagining myself as the woman: To be sexy, smooth, thin, wanted, desired, the bottom, submissive, pretty, etc. A fantasy that seems to be a pretty common narrative for transsexuals figuring themselves out.

I don't know what forums you are getting your information from because every transgender person I know personally (and I know quite a few) and those I have spoken to in depth with both in person and online, sex, position etc was the least of their desires and reasons for transitioning. The fetishising of transgender sex and desires is generally driven by porn sites who's job it is to push that narrative. Transgender people generally don't feel or think that way. Their desire to transition is more a matter of who they are and in many cases a matter of life or death for them.

Being transgender myself and actively working towards and for transition has quite literally shit to do with sex, desire, interest, being bottom or top, pretty, submissive, sexy, smooth, thin, wanted etc.. it has 100% to do with the fact that the person between my ears is female not male and continuing to live as male will kill me just as surely as a bullet to the head.

Similar. Related. Not identical. When I was taking HRT, it gave me a very "unstable" feel. I felt unhinged, not myself, and just... wrong. This was exacerbated by masturbation.

The fact that doing HRT throws you off and makes you feel off and wrong is a good indication that you are more enamored with the fetish of being trans, than actually being trans. Literally, every trans person I have spoken to in person has all said the same thing to me. Taking the hormones for their transition (be they Estrogen or Testosterone) makes them feel like themselves for the first time in their lives.

While you may be trans.... I am personally more inclined to conclude from your own words and descriptions that you are more interested in the fetish and not the reality.

~Elain