[Dana Mantra Eon]

Hi everyone, I'm Dana. It's the most feminized version of my legal name (David) that I can think of and still enjoy. Mantra Eon is just an anagram of my last name.

I've been lurking here for about two years, and just a couple of days ago, I felt ready to take the plunge: I ordered a three month supply of Ainterol PM pills.
Giddiness and excitement, however, have been quickly replaced with regret, doubt, and a number of other confusing emotions. Which is why I've decided to post here and ask for the help of those who've been there.

I'll try to be brief. I'm twenty five, biologically male, and I've been extremely attracted to the idea of mtf transition since about the age of fourteen. It started with mtf hypnosis on the site Warpmymind, and then carried over into an obsession with transsexual pornography. (Although I must admit, I've always been turned on by transformations of any kind (various cartoon transformations were responsible for pretty much all my childhood erections)). I never saw the porn as a way to just observe. The turn on was always about imagining myself as the woman: To be sexy, smooth, thin, wanted, desired, the bottom, submissive, pretty, etc. A fantasy that seems to be a pretty common narrative for transsexuals figuring themselves out. Over the years, comparing my story to others, I figured I was the perfect candidate.

I've tried a lot of things, such as: Crossdressing, self medicating pharma-hrt, shaving my body, voice training, hypnosis, and meditation to try to give myself what some part of me seems to desperately ask for. And every time I've take those steps I feel heavy, dead, in absolute disgust with myself, etc. Granted, at first, I'm usually high as a kite off the idea. Turned on, excited, happy to be finally giving myself my fantasy. And then, I'll masturbate a few times, and it'll go away. Then it comes back, then it goes away again, comes back, etc. Slowly peeling down to a constant state of heaviness. The worst of this was when I tried hrt. I got about a month and a half in, had some moderation budding, and by then- I had a feeling like I had just killed my soul. I stopped. And I didn't really think about transition too much until I discovered this place.

I thought the PM might be different. I've never tried herbs before, and I thought that it might affect me better than online purchased hrt. I figured it'd be a really good test to see how genuine my feelings are. Well, it's only been two days since I ordered it, and the mere thought of trying it is completely draining me of all motivation, emotions, etc. but the kick is that the second I turn away, I'm right back to wanting it. I'm all over the porn, imagining myself as a pre-op, and the like.

I feel like I'm trapped in a circle. Has anyone been through this? What should I do?

Thank you all for taking the time to read.

(edits have all been formatting related)