22-07-2015, 11:18 PM
My experience was a bit different.
Ever since my teens, I knew I was different to the rest of the gang. I had friends, male and female, but always felt myself to be on the fringes of the groups I mixed with, never at the heart. This has been a trait throughout life.
The real problem though has been that until I managed to sort out my brain chemistry eight months ago, my whole being revolved around a dark void at my core. It was as if there existed a black hole in the centre of my 'soul' which was sucking the life out of me. Nothing emotional escaped it's pull - I was existing rather than living.
I have spent the last 40 years trying in vain to find fulfilment. I have thrown myself into ever more self destructive pasttimes (and dragged Vivien along with me for the 18 years we have been together). I don't know how I survived the excesses I have endured, the hedonistic pleasures I have sought and the tanker loads of red wine I have consumed and anything else mind bending that I could get my hands on - all in the forlorn hope of satisfying the deep seated need to find that missing 'IT'. I certainly don't know how our marriage survived. Paradoxically, I also threw myself into an exhaustive study of the Abrahamic religions which I adopted one by one until each time I studied my way out of them.
I look back at my early posts here and cringe at the crap I was writing, often in a drunken haze - no wonder Abi wanted to throw me off as a troll!!!
That has all changed. The day the oestrogen hit my system, everything, but everything changed. It was literally as quick as that. The void has gone, the black hole has dissipated.
People say to me 'but of course, you are the same person really'. How wrong can they be. I am a million miles from that person. None of these changes have been brought about as a result of deliberate intent by me - they have just happened.
Whilst I don't think every moment of every day about the journey any more, I do very, very often and the joy of life just floods my every cell. Yes, life still has it's day to day problems just as it does for everyone, but they pale into insignificance and now seem much easier to resolve than before.
Every time I reflect on the 'me' of today and the 'me' of yesterday, I just cannot get my head around the difference that one little blue tablet, 4 times a day (plus a bit of T blocking) has made.
Miranda
Ever since my teens, I knew I was different to the rest of the gang. I had friends, male and female, but always felt myself to be on the fringes of the groups I mixed with, never at the heart. This has been a trait throughout life.
The real problem though has been that until I managed to sort out my brain chemistry eight months ago, my whole being revolved around a dark void at my core. It was as if there existed a black hole in the centre of my 'soul' which was sucking the life out of me. Nothing emotional escaped it's pull - I was existing rather than living.
I have spent the last 40 years trying in vain to find fulfilment. I have thrown myself into ever more self destructive pasttimes (and dragged Vivien along with me for the 18 years we have been together). I don't know how I survived the excesses I have endured, the hedonistic pleasures I have sought and the tanker loads of red wine I have consumed and anything else mind bending that I could get my hands on - all in the forlorn hope of satisfying the deep seated need to find that missing 'IT'. I certainly don't know how our marriage survived. Paradoxically, I also threw myself into an exhaustive study of the Abrahamic religions which I adopted one by one until each time I studied my way out of them.
I look back at my early posts here and cringe at the crap I was writing, often in a drunken haze - no wonder Abi wanted to throw me off as a troll!!!
That has all changed. The day the oestrogen hit my system, everything, but everything changed. It was literally as quick as that. The void has gone, the black hole has dissipated.
People say to me 'but of course, you are the same person really'. How wrong can they be. I am a million miles from that person. None of these changes have been brought about as a result of deliberate intent by me - they have just happened.
Whilst I don't think every moment of every day about the journey any more, I do very, very often and the joy of life just floods my every cell. Yes, life still has it's day to day problems just as it does for everyone, but they pale into insignificance and now seem much easier to resolve than before.
Every time I reflect on the 'me' of today and the 'me' of yesterday, I just cannot get my head around the difference that one little blue tablet, 4 times a day (plus a bit of T blocking) has made.
Miranda