21-07-2015, 06:23 PM
I am a female. I've struggled with having been born with male genitalia and having been assigned the wrong gender designation (male) for most of my life. The Y chromosome which we inherit from our fathers, a purely chance event like either coming up red or black on a roulette wheel, is only the start of a chain of events to produce a boy instead of the girl that we all start out as. For me, during that first 12 weeks of gestation, things that should have happened to make me a complete male, didn't happen. I was born with the brain of a female and the body of a male. My brain and body have been a war ever since.
My body's major weapon in this war was testosterone, 'T' for short. At the age of 12, with T flooding by body, the physical transformation to becoming physically a man began. By 16 there was no mistaking me for a girl based on my physical attributes. Even my female brain had been bullied into believing, begrudgingly, that I was a male. All protests were quickly beaten down by admonition and negative reinforcement. There's no incentive for boys to be like girls in our culture.
The male persona that I slowly built, layer by layer, burying my female psyche deep down and far from view, was artificial. It lacked the conviction, the assuredness of an authentic self-image. The stress and the anxiety of having to maintain what was effectively a charade exacted a heavy price on my relationships with others and my personal well-being.
I found that I could cope with the mental discomfort this contradiction created by focusing my conscious mind on pursuing challenging goals -- academics, career, family, etc. It seemed to work as long as I could maintain the distraction from the gnawing sense that I was not a real man, while at the same time shoring up my fake self-image. I could only imagine the turmoil that giving into my inner woman would produce in my life. That possibility was terrifying, so the war waged on.
When I retired and began to run out of things to distract me from the reality of who I truly am, my conscious defenses were quickly overwhelmed. The dysphoria that a female brain bathed in T and deprived of E (estrogen) was causing became too much to bear. I had to resolve the mind/body conflict in the only way possible, namely change my body and my place in society to match my true gender identity. The tipping point had occurred. I had to take action.
I learned that T is poison to a female brain, and adjusting my body chemistry to that of a female had a miraculous effect on me. Hormone therapy produced nearly instant relief from my chronic mental stress and anxiety. Then, over a period of many months, the physical effects of E, the surgical interventions, and the behavioral changes brought nearly complete relief from gender dysphoria. The joy of just being me for the first time in my life is indescribable because no other experience in my life compares to it.
Transitioning as an adult is not easy. It has the potential to turn your life upside-down. Society is only beginning to understand and accept transgender people, so the loss of family, job, social position, etc. are often the price we have to pay to find resolution. Every transgender person must decide for him/herself whether the trade-offs are worth it. In many cases there is no option; it's successful transition or suicide. Gender transitioning is not just a physical transformation, it's also integrating effectively into society as one's preferred gender. Society can make that very difficult by denying transgender people their civil rights. It's getting easier, but there's still a long way to go.
Clara
My body's major weapon in this war was testosterone, 'T' for short. At the age of 12, with T flooding by body, the physical transformation to becoming physically a man began. By 16 there was no mistaking me for a girl based on my physical attributes. Even my female brain had been bullied into believing, begrudgingly, that I was a male. All protests were quickly beaten down by admonition and negative reinforcement. There's no incentive for boys to be like girls in our culture.
The male persona that I slowly built, layer by layer, burying my female psyche deep down and far from view, was artificial. It lacked the conviction, the assuredness of an authentic self-image. The stress and the anxiety of having to maintain what was effectively a charade exacted a heavy price on my relationships with others and my personal well-being.
I found that I could cope with the mental discomfort this contradiction created by focusing my conscious mind on pursuing challenging goals -- academics, career, family, etc. It seemed to work as long as I could maintain the distraction from the gnawing sense that I was not a real man, while at the same time shoring up my fake self-image. I could only imagine the turmoil that giving into my inner woman would produce in my life. That possibility was terrifying, so the war waged on.
When I retired and began to run out of things to distract me from the reality of who I truly am, my conscious defenses were quickly overwhelmed. The dysphoria that a female brain bathed in T and deprived of E (estrogen) was causing became too much to bear. I had to resolve the mind/body conflict in the only way possible, namely change my body and my place in society to match my true gender identity. The tipping point had occurred. I had to take action.
I learned that T is poison to a female brain, and adjusting my body chemistry to that of a female had a miraculous effect on me. Hormone therapy produced nearly instant relief from my chronic mental stress and anxiety. Then, over a period of many months, the physical effects of E, the surgical interventions, and the behavioral changes brought nearly complete relief from gender dysphoria. The joy of just being me for the first time in my life is indescribable because no other experience in my life compares to it.
Transitioning as an adult is not easy. It has the potential to turn your life upside-down. Society is only beginning to understand and accept transgender people, so the loss of family, job, social position, etc. are often the price we have to pay to find resolution. Every transgender person must decide for him/herself whether the trade-offs are worth it. In many cases there is no option; it's successful transition or suicide. Gender transitioning is not just a physical transformation, it's also integrating effectively into society as one's preferred gender. Society can make that very difficult by denying transgender people their civil rights. It's getting easier, but there's still a long way to go.
Clara