15-07-2015, 10:32 PM
In just 3 weeks, my wife and I will travel to my home town to attend my 50th high school class reunion. It appears that it will be well attended. There have been several major milestones in my transition thus far, and I count this as a very important one, too.
I have written before that my ultimate goal is to live the rest of my life as my birth gender. No, I didn't misstate that. My birth gender was female. I was mistakenly declared to be male, setting me up for a life overshadowed by confusion and self-doubt.
My class reunion will be a test and training ground for integrating into the cisgender world as a woman. If I can do so, it will be a huge step forward in my transition and toward achieving my goal.
I cannot hide the fact that I am a 'trans woman'. Everyone will know that I once walked the halls of our high school as a young man. Some will have a hard time wrapping their heads around my transformation. Others will embrace me, and speak kind words of encouragement, admiration, and friendship. For me it will be the equivalent of staring down the fire breathing dragon -- the shedding of the last remnants of fear and self-doubt that have hung like a heavy wrap about my shoulders since my earliest recollections.
As late as 6 months ago, I couldn't conceive of exposing myself to what I thought would be horribly uncomfortable, if not humiliating. Today, I am looking forward to it. Why the change in my outlook?
I think that in a gender transition, there is a point after which everything becomes easier. I think of it being like reaching 'critical mass' in a nuclear reaction. It's very hard to reach that point, but once there, everything falls into place and things move along with ease.
If I were to describe that point, I would say that it's when you unequivocally know that you are female and always have been female. I feel that I've since crossed that threshold.
I attended a lecture by a physician/endocrinologist well versed in the area of transgender medicine. The doctor told about a study of people who suffered from dementia (Alzheimer's). Even when patients reached advanced stages of the disease (loss of memory, the ability to recognize family members, etc.), they never lost their sense of gender identity. Gender identity is an intrinsic aspect of one's self-knowledge.
Achieving clarity in self-knowledge of my gender has been difficult. Several things stand out. My decision to present full-time as a woman 10 months ago affirmed my gender identity to myself and my family. Walking out of the Kendall County circuit court room with a court order changing my legal name, brought tears of joy to my eyes. Holding that amended birth certificate with the State of Minnesota Registrar's raised seal, and seeing my name and corrected birth gender, made my heart beat with excitement. And, of course, returning from Spain, no longer burdened with masculine facial features meant that my inner sense of being female was more than ever being reflected by my external appearance.
But most important, was my realizing that I'm now more female than male in all the ways one can distinguish the sexes. I have reached a tipping point where my femaleness outweighs my maleness. And the thing that caused the final shift was the acknowledgement of my female gender by cisgender people. That, for me, was the last missing piece of the puzzle, and I can't overstate how important it has been to me.
When I get back from my reunion I will know whether or not I have reached my goal. I will know whether or not I have replaced the label 'transgender woman' with simply 'woman'. It feels so close. I hope I'm not disappointed. But, if I'm being too optimistic, if I'm not there yet, I will simply continue on my journey. What else can I do?
Clara
I have written before that my ultimate goal is to live the rest of my life as my birth gender. No, I didn't misstate that. My birth gender was female. I was mistakenly declared to be male, setting me up for a life overshadowed by confusion and self-doubt.
My class reunion will be a test and training ground for integrating into the cisgender world as a woman. If I can do so, it will be a huge step forward in my transition and toward achieving my goal.
I cannot hide the fact that I am a 'trans woman'. Everyone will know that I once walked the halls of our high school as a young man. Some will have a hard time wrapping their heads around my transformation. Others will embrace me, and speak kind words of encouragement, admiration, and friendship. For me it will be the equivalent of staring down the fire breathing dragon -- the shedding of the last remnants of fear and self-doubt that have hung like a heavy wrap about my shoulders since my earliest recollections.
As late as 6 months ago, I couldn't conceive of exposing myself to what I thought would be horribly uncomfortable, if not humiliating. Today, I am looking forward to it. Why the change in my outlook?
I think that in a gender transition, there is a point after which everything becomes easier. I think of it being like reaching 'critical mass' in a nuclear reaction. It's very hard to reach that point, but once there, everything falls into place and things move along with ease.
If I were to describe that point, I would say that it's when you unequivocally know that you are female and always have been female. I feel that I've since crossed that threshold.
I attended a lecture by a physician/endocrinologist well versed in the area of transgender medicine. The doctor told about a study of people who suffered from dementia (Alzheimer's). Even when patients reached advanced stages of the disease (loss of memory, the ability to recognize family members, etc.), they never lost their sense of gender identity. Gender identity is an intrinsic aspect of one's self-knowledge.
Achieving clarity in self-knowledge of my gender has been difficult. Several things stand out. My decision to present full-time as a woman 10 months ago affirmed my gender identity to myself and my family. Walking out of the Kendall County circuit court room with a court order changing my legal name, brought tears of joy to my eyes. Holding that amended birth certificate with the State of Minnesota Registrar's raised seal, and seeing my name and corrected birth gender, made my heart beat with excitement. And, of course, returning from Spain, no longer burdened with masculine facial features meant that my inner sense of being female was more than ever being reflected by my external appearance.
But most important, was my realizing that I'm now more female than male in all the ways one can distinguish the sexes. I have reached a tipping point where my femaleness outweighs my maleness. And the thing that caused the final shift was the acknowledgement of my female gender by cisgender people. That, for me, was the last missing piece of the puzzle, and I can't overstate how important it has been to me.
When I get back from my reunion I will know whether or not I have reached my goal. I will know whether or not I have replaced the label 'transgender woman' with simply 'woman'. It feels so close. I hope I'm not disappointed. But, if I'm being too optimistic, if I'm not there yet, I will simply continue on my journey. What else can I do?
Clara