[Miranda-nata-est]

Miranda,
For me half of my GD stemmed from the wrong body chemistry (hormones). As you experienced yourself, adjusting my T/E balance cleared up a lot of the mental stress symptoms that I (and I presumably you) have been suffering from.

The other half was/is psychological, so I suspect subjective and learned. I hated my male body. I'm not sure why, but I assume it was because it represented an obstacle to expressing my true gender ID.

Young transgender children often instinctively know they are one gender or the other. That tells me that in many cases gender ID is not learned, but rather tied to the organization of a developing brain during gestation. All transgender people probably possess a mixture of male and female brain organization. That seems pretty obvious.

When I started on HRT, my personality changed in many surprising ways. Some ways for better and others for worse. I do believe that dormant parts of my brain were activated under the influence of E while other part were deactivated in the absence of T.

I believe these brain organization differences are what account for differences in transgender people. For example, I have friends who are on estrogen and have experienced no loss of male gender awareness. They enjoy being males and living as men. Taking estrogen has no effect on that. When I started on E, my desire to preserve some semblance of masculinity disappeared entirely. I believe that a substantial part of my brain was geared toward a female gender identity given the right hormonal environment.

I think some of the conflict here a BN has to do with the difference in the amount of female identity that resides in each of us. When the gap is very large, the perceptions, behaviors, and attitudes of the other side can give rise to conflict. We no longer understand one another which can intentionally or unintentionally cause offense and resentment.

I am experiencing this myself with regard to my many CD friends. In the two years that I've know many of them, there has been no significant change in their personalities, manner of dress, voices, you name it. They have found their place on the spectrum and are happy with who they are.

I, on the other hand, have been moving so fast toward a more authentic expression of who I am, it's hard to keep up. I'm starting to resent how my progression to becoming a woman is not being acknowledged by my CD friends. They mean no harm, but no man would talk to a woman the way they talk to me, a woman. It simply means that we are drifting apart, and I have to find a new group of friends who can relate to where I am in my transition. Life doesn't stand still when you're transitioning.

I see the same thing happening here at BN. There are members who I used to be quite friendly with on this board, whereas now we seem to live in different worlds. Bad? Not really. It's understandable that values and interests would change reflecting our diverging paths.

Frankly, I was getting bored with talk about growing breasts, anyway. It's not at the top of my priority list right now. I suppose it's a sign that I should leave this forum. But, breast growth is just one small aspect of the many issues surrounding gender identity which I find very relevant. So why should I go off to another forum, like Susan's, run with an iron fist; a group that won't even acknowledging the role that herbal methods play in breast growth.

There will always be a certain percentage of people here who start out as males wanting breasts who discover that they have a stronger female gender identity than they imagined. A path to understanding those forces and how to deal with them is valuable for them. I know it was for me.

Well, I'm really rambling on here, so I'll cut it off without any pithy conclusion or final thoughts. Cheers!

Maybe a ramble but one which largely gels with my opinion.

Unlike you, I didn't really have a body image issue until after I had sorted out my mental hormonal imbalance. Up until then, I had never really given it too much thought although looking back, I have always differentiated myself in terms of clothes sense - no jeans and sweatshirt for me!! Now, however, this has all changed and exactly as you say, the rate of change is unbelievable. At the outset, I was adamant GCS would not be for me, now, I am champing at the bit to get it out of the way mainly for psychological reasons although I long to be able to wear the kind of clothes currently not very flattering and the sooner I can ditch the megga spiro the better. I never thought I would even consider FFS - now I am checking my Email hourly to see if the Facial Team proposal has arrived. The destination is no longer in shadow, I have just got to become on the outside as close to the person I am on the inside as possible. If that means I never get to 'passing' (what a awful concept that is), so be it, I know who I am and if that is as far as I can get, then that would have to be enough.

I also get completely what you say about leaving some of the community behind. We went to this Transgender event in Manchester over the weekend and I actually felt seriously out of place. It almost seemed like a bit of a caricature of the Trans world. Most of the people there were from the CD or drag communities and the over the top dresses, make-up and hair dos just left me uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing against these groups but they are just not for me. The big issue, for those of us who just wish to get on with life as part of the wider world, is that the wider world fails to make distinctions between these groups and us - we are all tarred with the same brush. That I something I do have a big problem with. They are not representative of me and I don't want to be grouped under the same umbrella. (For similar reasons I am not sure that linking T with LBG in LBGT does the Trans world any favours at all in the wider worldview). I guess this comes down to educating the wider population but that in itself brings problems!

I concur about the emphasis moving away from breasts specifically. My whole journey started as what I thought was a breast fetish (how wrong was I??). Now though, whilst I am still monitoring growth progress, it is more about how my overall body is developing and shaping up. This is now about general femininity - boobs are part of it but only part. I most certainly don't want anything huge and out of proportion although a bit more that a B would be nice

I have also thought about moving on from BN but have decided to stay for now; where else could I find such a diverse group co-existing in one place. I don't actually follow much of what goes on here now though, there is much that I now find to be irrelevant to me even though at one time it was completely germane to my search. My story thread, like so many of the story threads, has had quite a few hits for the time it has been there which presumably shows an interest (why do so few people comment though - I sometimes think I am just writing a personal diary!!).

I owe so much to BN I could so easily have missed all this and gone through life without ever discovering who I am. If anything I write helps even one other who is also on a journey of self discovery then it is well worth the effort.

Who is rambling now???

Miranda