11-05-2015, 02:43 AM
(Sorry for length, I hope it's worth the read)
I think we’ve all had those days at one point or another. The journey we sail seems to be upon waves of love and hate. We love feeling the fresh air caress our new skin, the exhilaration of self-rediscovery, feeling the sunny days of progress. Then there are the stormy days; the stares…the whispers…the scurvy of shame and doubt eating away at the heart of our freedom.
They’re staring. They’re probably talking about me. What the hell am I doing? Why can’t they just accept me or at least leave me alone? I must look like a ridiculous side-show! More labels and layers that bind us, chain us, and cover our true self. Words and labels hurt, it’s hard to get away from that. It’s hard to stop believing in the imaginary post-it notes that others pin on us – that we pin on ourselves – but we need to. If we stop placing value in words/opinions, we take away the power for them to hurt us…at least hurt as much.
But it’s not easy. I was just going through a lot of similar feelings as you over the last few days. Weeks of feeling great followed by a few days of wanting to crawl back into my protective shell. I think it’s perfectly normal to have times like these, the ups and downs, days and nights, rough patches that shake our faith and determination. It would be rare to be 100% sure of everything 100% of the time no matter what obstacles or challenges arose. I think most of use would probably love the ability to wave a wand and shed of this man-hide cocoon and free our hidden butterfly. Unfortunately, scaling the mountain of transition is hard and takes time but through patience and perseverance we will come out on top.
The other day, I went out as Lana for my second day-walk. It’s really hard to shake being nervous and feeling self-conscious. I kept trying to remind myself of the advice that I read on here and from other sources: Most people are too busy with their own lives to notice, but if they do…who cares? I know, easier said than done when you’re walking around feeling like your naked…but it’s a start.
I also try to tell myself to not worry about ‘passing’…just be myself. I’m Lana, I’m trans, I’m in transition. Baby steps, baby steps. I don’t even try to use a feminine voice yet. Sure, it throws people off and I get a few ‘confused puppy’ looks…but it’s one step at a time. One step at a time. I do this because it helps take the edge off…less pressure. It helps relax my mind so I’m not stressing over if I’m walking the right way, if my make-up overdone/underdone, so I worry a lot less about how others perceive me. I wasn’t even afraid to walk passed the guy that held the door open for me, although he was too busy staring at my chest to notice my 5 o’clock shadow lol…
I apologise for chattering on. I’m basically trying to say that we know and feel what you’re going through, many of us are still going through it. We all hate hiding, feeling weak and ashamed, staring at the unfamiliar face in the mirror. I’ve also asked why many times. Is there some method to the madness, a reason for the suffering? Maybe if we can use the experience of our suffering to reach out and help others overcome similar trials and pains that almost broke us.
At the end of the day, we have each other. We love and accept each other’s true selves in our community, but more importantly…we understand each other. Look to those further along the journey for inspiration. Look to those beside us to keep each other going – one step at a time – we can make it. Look behind us to the beginning of the path, to those that are struggling and losing heart. Take their hand and say “I know…but don’t give up now…it gets better! Come with us, run with us, you are never alone.”
One step at a time. It will get better, one day you will look over your shoulder and realise just how far you have come. One step at a time, you will get there.
Try to remember: You are who you are and you are beautiful!
Thank you for your post, Justine. It was really nice to be reminded I’m not the only one going through these ups and downs. You helped me feel better, I hope something in this long post helps you.
PS: I don’t know what kind of music you’re into, but these songs keep me going.
KISS -- Crazy Crazy Nights
Lisa Lougheed -- Run With Us
Joan Jett -- Bad Reputation
I think we’ve all had those days at one point or another. The journey we sail seems to be upon waves of love and hate. We love feeling the fresh air caress our new skin, the exhilaration of self-rediscovery, feeling the sunny days of progress. Then there are the stormy days; the stares…the whispers…the scurvy of shame and doubt eating away at the heart of our freedom.
They’re staring. They’re probably talking about me. What the hell am I doing? Why can’t they just accept me or at least leave me alone? I must look like a ridiculous side-show! More labels and layers that bind us, chain us, and cover our true self. Words and labels hurt, it’s hard to get away from that. It’s hard to stop believing in the imaginary post-it notes that others pin on us – that we pin on ourselves – but we need to. If we stop placing value in words/opinions, we take away the power for them to hurt us…at least hurt as much.
But it’s not easy. I was just going through a lot of similar feelings as you over the last few days. Weeks of feeling great followed by a few days of wanting to crawl back into my protective shell. I think it’s perfectly normal to have times like these, the ups and downs, days and nights, rough patches that shake our faith and determination. It would be rare to be 100% sure of everything 100% of the time no matter what obstacles or challenges arose. I think most of use would probably love the ability to wave a wand and shed of this man-hide cocoon and free our hidden butterfly. Unfortunately, scaling the mountain of transition is hard and takes time but through patience and perseverance we will come out on top.
The other day, I went out as Lana for my second day-walk. It’s really hard to shake being nervous and feeling self-conscious. I kept trying to remind myself of the advice that I read on here and from other sources: Most people are too busy with their own lives to notice, but if they do…who cares? I know, easier said than done when you’re walking around feeling like your naked…but it’s a start.
I also try to tell myself to not worry about ‘passing’…just be myself. I’m Lana, I’m trans, I’m in transition. Baby steps, baby steps. I don’t even try to use a feminine voice yet. Sure, it throws people off and I get a few ‘confused puppy’ looks…but it’s one step at a time. One step at a time. I do this because it helps take the edge off…less pressure. It helps relax my mind so I’m not stressing over if I’m walking the right way, if my make-up overdone/underdone, so I worry a lot less about how others perceive me. I wasn’t even afraid to walk passed the guy that held the door open for me, although he was too busy staring at my chest to notice my 5 o’clock shadow lol…
I apologise for chattering on. I’m basically trying to say that we know and feel what you’re going through, many of us are still going through it. We all hate hiding, feeling weak and ashamed, staring at the unfamiliar face in the mirror. I’ve also asked why many times. Is there some method to the madness, a reason for the suffering? Maybe if we can use the experience of our suffering to reach out and help others overcome similar trials and pains that almost broke us.
At the end of the day, we have each other. We love and accept each other’s true selves in our community, but more importantly…we understand each other. Look to those further along the journey for inspiration. Look to those beside us to keep each other going – one step at a time – we can make it. Look behind us to the beginning of the path, to those that are struggling and losing heart. Take their hand and say “I know…but don’t give up now…it gets better! Come with us, run with us, you are never alone.”
One step at a time. It will get better, one day you will look over your shoulder and realise just how far you have come. One step at a time, you will get there.
Try to remember: You are who you are and you are beautiful!
Thank you for your post, Justine. It was really nice to be reminded I’m not the only one going through these ups and downs. You helped me feel better, I hope something in this long post helps you.
PS: I don’t know what kind of music you’re into, but these songs keep me going.
KISS -- Crazy Crazy Nights
Lisa Lougheed -- Run With Us
Joan Jett -- Bad Reputation