10-03-2015, 05:46 AM
Bryony,
When I first joined BN, I was very much taken by your posts. They resonated with me. I, too, thought that I had the autogynephilia disorder that you speak of. I called it 'cross dreaming' which sounded less ominous, but I fit the Blanchard model. I, too, found mental peace when I started taking PM. I, too, thought that I could continue to live as a man with breasts, if necessary, and not succumb to power of transsexuality.
It didn't work out the way I hoped it would. Finding relief from the mental stress that testosterone poisoning was causing was wonderful, but at the same time the rising level of estradiol in my body unleashed a dormant female gender identity which was unrelenting in its need to be acknowledged and nurtured.
I will say that I was fortunate to avoid the many pitfalls that late transitioners typically encounter. I have a loving and supportive spouse and the resources without which it's very difficult to carry out an MTF transition successfully. Exchanging one form of misery for another even more onerous is not a good tradeoff. I appreciate your stand in that regard.
But once I set out on this journey, I discovered that I was not suffering the AGP mental disorder that Dr. Blanchard and others might have pinned on me; Dreaming of being a beautiful woman was just my way of coping with my gender dysphoria (cross dressing was not). The eroticism that accompanied those fantasies was induced by normal male levels of T. All it took was a shift in my A/E balance to set my true self free. Sure I want to be a good looking woman, what woman doesn't? But, beauty is fleeting, and I see no problem with growing old as a woman any more than growing old as a man except that as a woman, I will not carry the burden of pretending to be someone I'm not.
It all comes down to where you fall on the gender identity spectrum. I've always felt that being more or less in the center was the most troublesome.
Clara
When I first joined BN, I was very much taken by your posts. They resonated with me. I, too, thought that I had the autogynephilia disorder that you speak of. I called it 'cross dreaming' which sounded less ominous, but I fit the Blanchard model. I, too, found mental peace when I started taking PM. I, too, thought that I could continue to live as a man with breasts, if necessary, and not succumb to power of transsexuality.
It didn't work out the way I hoped it would. Finding relief from the mental stress that testosterone poisoning was causing was wonderful, but at the same time the rising level of estradiol in my body unleashed a dormant female gender identity which was unrelenting in its need to be acknowledged and nurtured.
I will say that I was fortunate to avoid the many pitfalls that late transitioners typically encounter. I have a loving and supportive spouse and the resources without which it's very difficult to carry out an MTF transition successfully. Exchanging one form of misery for another even more onerous is not a good tradeoff. I appreciate your stand in that regard.
But once I set out on this journey, I discovered that I was not suffering the AGP mental disorder that Dr. Blanchard and others might have pinned on me; Dreaming of being a beautiful woman was just my way of coping with my gender dysphoria (cross dressing was not). The eroticism that accompanied those fantasies was induced by normal male levels of T. All it took was a shift in my A/E balance to set my true self free. Sure I want to be a good looking woman, what woman doesn't? But, beauty is fleeting, and I see no problem with growing old as a woman any more than growing old as a man except that as a woman, I will not carry the burden of pretending to be someone I'm not.
It all comes down to where you fall on the gender identity spectrum. I've always felt that being more or less in the center was the most troublesome.
Clara