[Marina Kits]

To quote my best local trans friend, "Welcome to being Trans". She has said that to me at least a dozen times in the last last year when I've talked to her sobbing over some crisis I'm in, "wall" I hit or realization I had. Your story is typical. I've been there myself and I can see it in your writing, when you get to a point where you just can't, "NOT do anything anymore", something gives and something has to change. Anyone who is trans has been in your shoes. At some point, I bet you'll, "over-center" and then simply quit resisting what you've known intuitively your whole life and start making things better for yourself no matter what the cost. When the price for maintaining the facade is equal to the price for changing everything, ...everything changes. I can't say with any certainty if you are there or not but it looks like you're getting close - only you will know for sure but I can tell you, most find enormous relief in letting go of the fake and embracing the real.

My advice is to find a TG support group or TG wise counselor, write like crazy if that's your thing, get on PM if you can (for the mental benefits at least) and start sorting things out. We are here to help but all we can do is respond to you - you have to write to get support and insight. I'd love to help as would many others I'm sure. We're all in this together. WELCOME to being trans!