I can relate to what you've described about yourself, bobowo. It can be very hard to separate one's sexuality from one's gender identity. I found it almost impossible to do so before shifting my sex hormone balance, and finally resolving my own gender dysphoria.
As a young prepubescent boy I was attracted to femininity in a non-sexual way. When puberty came I continued my admiration of femininity with sexual arousal added in. My gender identity was consciously that of a boy, or so I thought. My assigned gender and my physical attraction to girls fit the model of a normal male, or so I thought.
It wasn't till years later that I realized that my attraction to women was more than sexual. I had an affinity to women that seemed to extend well beyond that of other men. I liked being near women. I liked the sensibility of women. I even found myself envious of women's physical beauty. I realized that I had a feminine side to my personality, but the implications were still hidden from me.
When I got married at the young age of 21, I discovered that my role as a man in the sex act was not particularly natural for me. Oh, I could see it through, but there wasn't that deep down satisfaction one normally experiences by having a sexual orgasm with a lover. This troubled me, to be sure. I just couldn't understand the dynamic of being attracted to women physically, becoming sexually aroused, but not being able to let go and enjoy the sex act. Something psychologically was blocking my ability to achieve orgasm during coitus unless I distracted myself with mental images and fantasies. I'm sure that my sexual inadequacy contributed to the break up of my marriage. I had become dependent on porn for sexual release mixed with spurts of cross dressing that I found incredibly arousing, but caused too much shame and guilt for me to embrace as a regular activity.
I did attempt to learn more about human sexuality to better understand myself, but nothing was very helpful. Most books on the subject wanted to characterize sexual behavior on a statistical basis with social and moral overtones, and made me out as some kind of pervert in need of professional counseling. Therapy was a waste of time.
Certain sexually oriented literature (e.g., Penthouse Forum) pointed to a diversity of sexual behavior, but did little to resolve my struggle. It wasn't until the internet came about that I began to realize that I was not alone in the world with a crazy mixed up sexuality. But even that didn't lead to a clear understanding of myself. I continued to suffer with what I eventually came to understand was gender dysphoria. It all happened more or less by accident. I was 66 years old when the curtain was lifted. Can you imagine a lifetime of GD? It's a testament to the ability of human beings to adjust to, and endure, trying circumstances.
So now my GD is gone. It was caused by a gender identity that was drowning in a sea of testosterone. All it took was to lower my T and the anxiety vanished. Of course, now I'm dealing with the long suppressed development of my feminine psyche. It's like going through puberty all over again except as a girl instead of a boy. But, it's fun this time, and it's revitalizing. In many ways, it's like being born again. Not in a religious context, but as a new person whose whole life is ahead of them, and wondering what lies ahead. It's quite exciting.
Clara
As a young prepubescent boy I was attracted to femininity in a non-sexual way. When puberty came I continued my admiration of femininity with sexual arousal added in. My gender identity was consciously that of a boy, or so I thought. My assigned gender and my physical attraction to girls fit the model of a normal male, or so I thought.
It wasn't till years later that I realized that my attraction to women was more than sexual. I had an affinity to women that seemed to extend well beyond that of other men. I liked being near women. I liked the sensibility of women. I even found myself envious of women's physical beauty. I realized that I had a feminine side to my personality, but the implications were still hidden from me.
When I got married at the young age of 21, I discovered that my role as a man in the sex act was not particularly natural for me. Oh, I could see it through, but there wasn't that deep down satisfaction one normally experiences by having a sexual orgasm with a lover. This troubled me, to be sure. I just couldn't understand the dynamic of being attracted to women physically, becoming sexually aroused, but not being able to let go and enjoy the sex act. Something psychologically was blocking my ability to achieve orgasm during coitus unless I distracted myself with mental images and fantasies. I'm sure that my sexual inadequacy contributed to the break up of my marriage. I had become dependent on porn for sexual release mixed with spurts of cross dressing that I found incredibly arousing, but caused too much shame and guilt for me to embrace as a regular activity.
I did attempt to learn more about human sexuality to better understand myself, but nothing was very helpful. Most books on the subject wanted to characterize sexual behavior on a statistical basis with social and moral overtones, and made me out as some kind of pervert in need of professional counseling. Therapy was a waste of time.
Certain sexually oriented literature (e.g., Penthouse Forum) pointed to a diversity of sexual behavior, but did little to resolve my struggle. It wasn't until the internet came about that I began to realize that I was not alone in the world with a crazy mixed up sexuality. But even that didn't lead to a clear understanding of myself. I continued to suffer with what I eventually came to understand was gender dysphoria. It all happened more or less by accident. I was 66 years old when the curtain was lifted. Can you imagine a lifetime of GD? It's a testament to the ability of human beings to adjust to, and endure, trying circumstances.
So now my GD is gone. It was caused by a gender identity that was drowning in a sea of testosterone. All it took was to lower my T and the anxiety vanished. Of course, now I'm dealing with the long suppressed development of my feminine psyche. It's like going through puberty all over again except as a girl instead of a boy. But, it's fun this time, and it's revitalizing. In many ways, it's like being born again. Not in a religious context, but as a new person whose whole life is ahead of them, and wondering what lies ahead. It's quite exciting.
Clara