[Pansy-Mae]

Has the desire to dress and present as female really gone from you totally in this time?

Sammie,
For most of the time I've been on PM, I found a comfortable half-way house. Not deliberately, it just worked out that way, because my job changed from being office based to working from home so unless I had to go out on a field trip, I would wear heels, ladies trousers, a blouse/jumper, etc, just because I wanted to, and not to 'look female' as in my active frenetic TV days gone by. I noticed however that I had also gone from wearing wig and loads of makeup all the time, to rarely and then never wearing that at all. This bit is difficult to explain, but putting the wig on made me feel as though I was in drag, somehow, even though without it I look like a bald half & half freak ( I don't know if that makes any kind of sense?). In the past I would have died rather than be seen without a wig, even by TV friends.

For the past year or so, even the minimal dressing at home has more or less gone, reduced to wearing small unobtrusive studs in my ears most weekends and sometimes wearing clear nail varnish if I'm going to be able to keep it on a for a few days. The WISH for more hasn't gone completely, I sometimes look at my wardrobe full of clothes and shoes and think about it, but somehow can't be bothered. I SUSPECT, that this may be a PM modified version of a 'dump it all' episode, brought on by the stress of my wife's deteriorating health, amongst other things, but I can't be sure until/unless something changes.