[Marina Kits]

[ABRIDGED]
I find this horrible. It's already bad to have small breasts and large shoulders. I'd freak out if I had a penis, I'd try to cut it out myself lol. Better yet if I died in the attempt.

So I'm wondering how you girls-in-men's-bodies deal with it. About 1/5 of the transgender commit suicide. You must be very strong, you seem so cool-headed writing here. Lol.
When did you find out that you were transgender (or wanted to look feminine?)
How was it to tell your parents?
When you're done in your transformation, will you consider yourself a WOMAN?
Do your friends & acquaintances & family know?

Well, first I'd like to say it means a lot to me that you've bothered to join our conversation here in the bio-male section. Hopefully there's an implied acceptance by your presence ...at least that's what I sense. I think the hardest thing for me about being transgendered is that ya don't really fit in with the guys... ya don't fit in with the gals ...and society kinda frowns on dudes in dresses which is what most of us look like thanks to being ravaged by testosterone. Having someone such as yourself appear accepting and even striking up a conversation is really sweet. Thank you.

As for what it feels like??? Yeah, that's a tough question. May I assume that you think you'd be, "more attractive" if you could change one or more things about yourself"? How intense is that feeling? Multiply it by a hundred and that's how I feel most days. It's a deep, unrelenting yearning to be different than I am that persists every day ...ever time is see a woman ...especially the more attractive ones. I just want to be loved and cared for and cherished and sheltered like I imagine many women do. Would I like to have some anatomy rearranged? Absolutely! Have I thought about doing it myself? Oh yeah! And if the number of my days are less than average, that's perfectly alright with me so long as it's not self inflicted ...which I have thought about at times but obviously haven't and hopefully never will.

My parents? They don't know - I think it would be devastating for them to learn this secret about me. I'm 42 so "coming out" while still young enough to effect physical change was ...scary as hell to put it mildly. I don't know how the trifle few who did it back then, did so and survived. I sure couldn't back then and would be scared even today.
How will I feel after transition? I don't know but I hope I'll finally feel like the outside matches the inside and I can stop thinking about it all the time. I'll probably still look androgynous at best but at least the reflection in the mirror will be a lot more peaceful. All that is still only a possibility at this time.
Do friends and family know? Just my wife and several people who are also transgender like my friends here. Most don't live by me so my secret remains safe.

One last thought. Because I'm older, my options are pretty limited. I'm married with children and I just can't rock their world with a "full transition" plus I can't jeopardize my relationship with them for that, I need them too. So I try to be optimistic, try to find peace where I can, get lots of encouragement here and hope that one day, I can be freer than I am now.